| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| winnieboo |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 06:39:18
Last night, I went back to reading Sarno's "Mind Over Back Pain," and I think it's worth mentioning that he spent chapters talking about conflict. This is something we haven't lately discussed, and according to Sarno, it's what causes a lot of our problems.
His idea is that the id (child within) wants something and gets frustrated or angry or sad, and the goodist, perfectionisitic "adult," or conscious mind, supresses that energy and the emotions, and that's when the pain ensues.
Example: Before I did the reading last night, my son told me something about my neighbor and I became enraged. I found myself cooking dinner, seething inside. When later I read about the TMS conflict, I went back to that moment while cooking, and I noticed that there was a part of me (id) that was screaming to run across the street and give the neighbor a piece of my mind, but the conscious "me" was clumsily trying to rationalize the situation, get control and supress it. I spent a good 20 minutes of internal debate on whether to confront her later or let it go. Doesn't matter, but doing something is in order. Supressing it isn't the answer, according to Sarno!
In any case, I think it's helpful to think of this "conflict" issue, as it comes up several or many times a day and Sarno believes it's one root of our pain. |
| 7 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| winnieboo |
Posted - 10/11/2008 : 17:11:46
Hey Scott,
I was at a party with my neighbor. Her son (let's call him Sam) just got his license and my son (let's call him Jeff) is about to get his permit. So the conversation evolved around teenager drivers. At one point, she said she didn't mind Sam driving other kids, but she felt it was important for the parents of whatever kids were driving in Sam's car to know and feel comfortable with him driving. She wanted their permission, in other words. I said I agreed, and volunteered that it was okay for Sam to to drive my Jeff, and that in fact I knew that Sam had driven Jack to a lunch spot last week. I went on about how much I trusted Sam, etc. She said, oh, thanks so much, good to know...and we moved on to chat about other subjects. That was Saturday.
On Monday, my son came into the kitchen and said, thanks, Mom! (sarcastically). Sam got his keys taken away, thanks to YOU! I'm never telling you another thing!
My husband and I were both taken aback to say the least. He was at the party and was part of the conversation. Neither of us could have anticipated that she was upset or that any comment would have let to her son being punished, especially at the expense of my son.
We live in a small town and I've got to say, I should know better...but I absolutely am still floored when I'm chatting with someone and days later, what I said gets misconstrued, or worse, misconstrued and repeated. However, seeing my child get in trouble with a friend was particularly undesirable.
I've already let go of it, as my son really isn't pissed at me and Sam has his keys back. I think what triggered real anger was two things: this happened before years ago with my older son (different situation) and I hate having to hold my tongue so closely and so often. Anyway--such a long story, but you asked! |
| debbette |
Posted - 10/11/2008 : 09:34:23
Thanks for this thread. This is a BIG for me and why my TMS resurfaced this summer. Summer is always a VERY hard time... my husband works 70+ hours a week and that leaves me a single parent with my family in another state. I always contemplate (or fantasize) about divorce but feel I can't break up my daughter's family and that leaves me MISERABLE.... feeling I have no control over my own life.
So yes, conflict is huge for me.
I think I'll have to go buy that book. I stupidly let someone borrow it who never gave it back! ERRR.. that makes me ANGRY.  |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 10/11/2008 : 04:38:51
what was it about what your son said about your neighbor that pissed you off?
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author of tms-recovery . com
(not sh!t, champagne)
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| RageSootheRatio |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 11:25:10
winnieboo, I think you make an excellent point. Thanks. I realize I try to "talk myself out of my feelings" a lot ... because I've been so taught in the past to be positive and optimistic and enthusiastic and to use my "self-talk" to get that way. So I realize I do say a lot of things to myself like, "well, he really WAS trying hard." And, "he wasn't TRYING to hurt your feelings." Or, "She can't HELP the way she is. She's doing the best she can." or, "It's not THAT hard." etc etc etc. I guess that is one way I suppress ...
I guess when one is "seething inside" then it is not good to suppress it with self-talk, but is the "seething" a kind of expression as opposed to trying not to seethe (ie suppress)? When I am seething, usually I use some of the idea from Redirecting Self Therapy, but Lori, I like your ideas about venting to a pal or writing a feelings note! thanks. |
| mizlorinj |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 09:17:33
Yes, you could say conflict arises all day. It's how we choose to react to what is perceived as conflict. If I feel myself getting annoyed or conflicted, etc. there are times where I go for a walk and talk myself through things, vent to a pal, or write a quick feelings note out and shred. The point is do not store it--get rid of it. I have found writing feeling letters helpful--those time where it is not best to confront the person because it would not help anything. Ask first if it's reasonable that good would come of the confrontation. If not, write out everything you want to say to them. Then I rip it up. Louise Hay does an anger visualization where you tell the person everything you want to. Then you let it go. You are free. There are little annoyances that you can dismiss easily, but if that's not the case (and don't overerestimate what can be dismissed) a lot needs more attention so you aren't stuffing it in to rear its ugly head later!
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| winnieboo |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 08:27:50
Thanks for the advice, LTS, but I was hoping to get a Forum conversation started about conflict in general, and how exploring this issue in our lives could help others come out of physical pain.  Guess I could have left out my example...the point is that conflict arises all day long, for everybody, and that dealing with it straight away might be a natural pain-reliever, so to speak. |
| LuvtoSew |
Posted - 10/08/2008 : 07:08:12
Yes I guess you either need to talk with her, her view may be different than your sons, or you need to shrug it off and forget it and not suppress it like you said.
Remember when a child gets upset or in a tiff with another child , two mins later they are playing again like nothing happened, then we become adults and don't forget and want to retaliate and get even or make it right.
Of course not knowing the circumstances it hard to say what your recourse should be, but if its something thats going to stew in you , you should talk to her about it.
PS: I think its much better to get it out in the open than hold a grudge.
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