| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 08/06/2008 : 20:15:07
Hello fellow TMSers.
Interesting sequence of events. Sometimes I feel really alone (a lot of the time actually) but this time it's been realllllly scary and reaaallllyyy exhilarating simultaneously.
My Knee...My Leg...something in there decided to freeze. Couldn't even bend it. I realized it was TMS.. I went back to the paper and the head and it went away. That much I've posted in the recent past.
But then, if you might have followed the thread we had going there, we had a bit of a difference of opinion on whether or not SWELLING was part of TMS.
Well, as per usual, the Nocebo engaged. I was dressing one morning last week and I noticed that even though I wasn't in any particular kind of discomfort, my Knee/upper leg area was swollen something fierce...ugly... Back when this whole deal first happened is when I first noticed swelling, but after the pain subsided I never even spared it a glance.
That day at work, the pain came back...much worse. And I began to think...(uh oh) and be scared "Ok... Pain is one thing, but now I have a REAL injury!"
Even now as I write this post, it looks like a nasty beaten swollen tomato. I have worked a long portion of my life on my knees and of course playing baseball, in the catchers crouch I have caught pitchers for years. It is a long standing 'idea' that catchers have short careers because of their knees. I think that's a crock. Catchers have short careers because they get fat and can't run.
Well anyways...after I noticed the swelling, the pain got bad...as bad as it was when I first went to the doctor. Worse even.
However, I realized (after journaling, crying, ranting, praying, screaming, cussing and such) that the rage I have towards my wife (who left ME) has not subsided. I can NOT even spend any time with her at all....I am so conditioned to suppress the truth around her (where anger is NOT allowed) that even casual contact with her must be ended. The amount of pent up rage I have directed at her defies my ability to write and as it came to consciousness, I almost wanted the pain back.
See...even though we're separated and even though I helped her find and move into her new apartment, she never ever runs out of 'favors' to ask... you know,,,,with the flirty little voice and the cutesy-pie smile and gestures that were once what attracted me to her in the first place...and I can't resist. "Sure, I'll paint your bathroom...sure I'll hang up all of your decorations I can't stand...sure I'll (fill in blank)
It all came rushing in yesterday, while I was in pain..... I can NOT be her friend...at least not now.
I've been going out recently with the guys in my band. We'll be out at a bar or a club and I'll begin to speak to a girl...and then abruptly leave the club or bar. I feel so GUILTY for even talking to another girl and I think it is very deeply woven with my wives yo-yo like treatment of me emotionally. I can't be with her, but my Moses won't let me date others.
I snapped. I called her up and told her to not come over, to stop calling, to stop asking for favors and to stop asking me to be her handy man. I told her the phonebook was loaded with painters and plumbers and locksmiths....CALL someone else. We are NOT a couple....the guy who would come over at a moment’s notice and do whatever you want whenever you want is called a boyfriend or husband, and I am neither.
I also told her that in spite of whatever she may think, there might come a time and a place where I might decide to date someone else and I don't want her anywhere near me, just in case that happens.
It was the first time I have 'stood up' to her and told her the truth since our separation. I had intellectually realized there was some anger there (which ended round one) but it wasn’t until I stood up to her that round two was won….
...and the pain left again...
But not the swelling. I have zero pain and full range of motion, but it is UGLY!
I was at the therapist-supervising doctors office yesterday (he's and MD) and I showed it to him. He contradicted the ortho and said it wasn't my knee but rather in the tendons and muscles around it and that the swelling was an edema (i don't really know what that means...or care so please, no one tell me!) but regardless, I think I have truly found one other really scary looking thing that is part of my TMS repertoire. Maybe in the future someone else might have this happen and be able to read this post (like me)
I wonder if the stuff in our joints isn't like disc material??....sure, some sort of structural change is happening, has happened , no doubt, but the pain that is ascribed to it, like back pain, is circumstantial. If I didn't know about TMS and have all of these resources available, I might really be up the creek??
Thanks again
BB65
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| 4 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 08/07/2008 : 13:10:18
quote:
I just now realized that when she asked, I felt like a 'bad guy'. THAT pisses me off, but it is INSIDE me?
Yes, it is inside us. It is the goodist voice that we have internalized. Luckily, knowing it, we can externalize it again, realize it is not coming from our inner self, and listen to our inner self. And over time we can stop feeling bad about listening to our inner self. :)
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What were you expecting? |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 08/07/2008 : 12:36:50
quote:
I just now realized that when she asked, I felt like a 'bad guy'.
I know exactly what you mean - it's very hard to refuse requests (which seem reasonable on the surface) without feeling bad about it.
Hilary N |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 08/07/2008 : 06:05:08
You know... I think about that a LOT and to tell the truth, I have never ever come up with a firm 'solution'. Sometimes, all I need to do is recognize the source of rage which 'snuck' by so invisibly conditioned away that I never felt it.
Other times (like this time) I have to do or say something to effect a resolution of the TMS. With my wife, I am so conditioned to not even say what I think, it might just be the firm position against her bullying that 'fixes'... I do have an interesting situation at work though.
There is this supervisor at work. I look back through time, and almost every little TMS hiccup I have had has been on one of his projects. Over the course of the 3 years I've worked for him I have gone from intimidated to a sense of respect and equity, to now being able to actually snarl back at him when he makes a request that's ridiculous.
I Like him. He is a good, fair supervisor. He cares what I think, and except for dire extremity, listens to my suggestions and defends my methods and ways to his superiors....yet there must be something about the guy that triggers TMS, because virtually all of my new issues have happened on his watch????
In fact, I was on his job and had snarled at him the other morning when I reached 'threshhold' with my wife problems. I got so pissed about a ridiculous thing he asked me to do that I launched my CD player across the work area (I was listening to Sarno on cd...sorry doc(LOL))))
I can't quit doing His jobs. I am not allowed to pick and choose at work (and he accounts for about 25% of my income)
BTW...since I posted this my wife called to Borrow a tool. Invisible in this request is her acknowledging that I will no longer do anything to help her, but just to show you how unable I am to see reality in real time... I just now realized that when she asked, I felt like a 'bad guy'. THAT pisses me off, but it is INSIDE me?
good topic for discussion.
-bb65
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| skizzik |
Posted - 08/07/2008 : 04:29:10
quote:
Originally posted by Baseball65
I snapped. I called her up and told her to not come over, to stop calling, to stop asking for favors and to stop asking me to be her handy man. I told her the phonebook was loaded with painters and plumbers and locksmiths....CALL someone else. We are NOT a couple....the guy who would come over at a moment’s notice and do whatever you want whenever you want is called a boyfriend or husband, and I am neither.
It was the first time I have 'stood up' to her and told her the truth since our separation.
...and the pain left again...
great stuff bb.
the more I dwelve into my journey, the more I think it's not enough to explore the emotions, but make changes and acceptances to eliminate the unconcious sources of irritations once you trickle down through said emotions to their cores. (huh?...you know what I mean )
I think you're proving that. |
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