| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 06/16/2008 : 12:31:49
alright guys. i just need to get some sh-t off my chest.
I AM PISSED.
i just got home from college, where i took all incompletes because screw that place, i'm going to get into construction work, and i come home to THIS. my mom is a TMS poster child but she absolutely refuses to even crack a frickin' book. i went to bed at four this morning and my dad comes barging into my room and pulls me out of bed, freaking out about my mom's condition.
side note, there isn't anything wrong with her, probably. she's just like you or me and has mad anger issues that she needs to resolve and a few books she needs to read and she'd be running and swimming and quit her job and feel a lot frickin better. actually, that's not a side note, that's what's really pissing me off right now.
i've got my own sh-t to take care of and i sure as hell don't want to spend my time taking care of her. ESPECIALLY because i know there isn't ANYTHING WRONG WITH HER AT ALL. she got a psychogenic SMACKDOWN the second i got home. she has a "stomach flu" right now, her 5th episode this year. she's having migraines again, surprise surprise. and i have to pick up the slack. i stayed up really late last night watching starship troopers for some reason and i have to wake up to this BULLSH-T factory. GOD FCJKING DAMNIT#Rt&@*!
i'm seriously pissed off. she needs to read that damn book before she gets cancer. she's totally on death's door right now. no one f-cking listens to me. i've wanted to move out of this f-cking house ever since i got back but i depend on these people financially still. man am i ever pissed. i want to get my apprenticeship going and get the hell out of here so bad. i'm tired of this wastebasket of a family. mostly i'm tired of her.
i've been gone for half a year and i've been plowing through emotional work to take care of my neuroticism and i come home... i've finally realized how absolutely screwed up she is. she is like me, except erase 3 years of hard psychological work. she's messed up! she's totally messed up! i can't believe she has gone 40 some odd years and not taken care of this! it's ridiculous. i don't want to be my mommy's daddy.
I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. she needs to READ THE F-CKING DIVIDED MIND AND I NEED TO MOVE. OUT. NOW. GOD. F-CKIN. DAMNITUHsdkj
i'm really glad i've got my head out of the intense shame burden these people gave me. i see what's really going on now. this whole parent-child dynamic is in its dying days and i couldn't be happier. good bye, fear of abandonment, hello, freedom. i'm getting out of here, literally and mentally.
i can't believe i survived 18 or so years under the tyranny of these people. stupid society. stupid family structures. i'm gonna burn this place to the ground.
ok. i feel a little better. son of a b-tch.
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i'm not s#!t.
i'm champagne. |
| 6 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Odrog |
Posted - 06/19/2008 : 09:18:15
Neurosis is part of the human condition, it affects all in varying degrees and at various times. You can never be rid of it. My philosophy is that you must be able to enjoy the ride, that means you must laugh about these things (mind body symptoms, anxiety, fear). Its hard when a family member or friend hasn't gotten to the point that they can laugh at themselves, but all you can do is heal yourself and point them in the right direction. Not everyone will respond favorably, all you should do is laugh and let it go. But not give up. |
| LuvtoSew |
Posted - 06/18/2008 : 13:15:04
Try to remember your parents are products of their upbringing also.
I feel you need to honor your parents, I feel most of us had or have parents that also had emotional problems, I mean is there a person alive that doesn't. They are doing the best they can. If you feel you can't live with them, that its hurting your health, its your responsability to get a job and place of your own.
You can work , live on your own and go to college at the same time, I did and so do a lot of other people.
You can not heal your Mom, but you can heal youself. |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 06/17/2008 : 14:26:12
i actually had a really interesting few hours yesterday because of all these happenings. when my dad came home i talked to him about how we're only putting a bandaid over my mom's problem and he agreed with me, but he wanted to at least get her halfway sane and collected before we did any long term fixing. i felt a little better after that. it was the first time i've really stood up for myself and been myself around my dad, instead of being a son. it felt really good.
but it was a goodist problem. the truth is, i don't really want to fix my mom. i want to escape the parent-child dynamic completely and live as a person and an agent of my own being. i don't want to be trapped in these shame and inferiority induced concepts anymore. yesterday was the first time that i saw reprieve from these things.
as i left my driveway to just get the f-ck out of the house for a while, i tried a little primal expression. i felt something caught in my chest and i tried to scream it out. unfortunately, it was one of those things where i couldn't actually scream hard enough to dispense with the thing and i almost passed out (oops). i felt very strange after that, like i was filled with this deep sadness, but i was 30 miles away from it inside my own body.
has anyone read siddharta? there's this part where he is walking through the forest and he realizes that he is nobody's son, nobody's friend, nobody's lover, etc, that he is only siddharta. it was like that. a very lonely, saddening and enlightening moment for me. i ended up crashing on a friends couch. the state i was in was one where i was inextricably myself. i was incapable of being otherwise. i had momentarily killed the neurotic.
it came back later. it's probably here right now in one form or another. but i saw a nice preview of what the older years of my life will be like if i continue with my journey.
---
i'm not s#!t.
i'm champagne. |
| Odrog |
Posted - 06/17/2008 : 13:57:09
This TMS/anxiety issue stuff definitely runs in families. Like you, my Mom is TEXTBOOK, but so far isn't open to help. I strongly recommended Sarno's books to her and explained how they helped me, but she hasn't bothered to read them.
But I love my parents and will never give up on them. I respect and honor them too. I have no idea what you've gone though, sounds like you've been abused and if that is the case, I am truly sorry. But seriously I hope that you can one day forgive your parents, don't give up on them. They are going to need your love one day, maybe that day is right now? Good luck.
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| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 06/16/2008 : 14:24:17
Scott, no wise words here, just good wishes for you to be able to create a life situation that's healthy for you.
My mom also had serious psychogenic ailments (migraines and fibro-like symptoms) for many years until she did begin working on emotional issues in her late forties. She still doesn't totally buy TMS but she gets the mind-body connection thing. She has told me that she is proud and pleased that I am getting a head start over her and working these things out earlier in my life. Your mom might not now or ever get to the point where she understands these dynamics but I hope you are able to give yourself some validation for starting your own work earlier in life to give you the chance of a healthy adulthood. The negative family cycles can end with you.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
| hottm8oh |
Posted - 06/16/2008 : 13:10:11
I lived with an abusive mother who had (still has) an undiagnosed personality disorder. I understand some of the rage you feel when you have a parent who refuses to acknowledge the truth. I also bailed on college so I could move out. I eventually finished, but I had many tough years of working two jobs, cherry-picking classes, and being turned down for interviews because I didn't have a college degree. I'm not sure what the situation is with your education, but I would urge you to do your best to complete it. You will be better off in the long run. |
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