| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 05/28/2008 : 13:33:14
so friends, i have been doing some primal scream therapy, just for kicks, ya know? well, i've come to probably the most horrifying realization of my entire life thanks to this crap.
i'm.
not.
me.
well, i mean, i am me. but i'm in terrible anguish because my body-mind is continually usurped by these shadow people from my past. they have been burned into my psyche and they take over my actions like someone being possessed by a ghost.
continually striving to be right all the time?
continually striving to make things perfect?
continually striving to please other people?
these things are DEMONS. the pain they cause is unimaginable. it's like i'm a puppet for this f-cking society. i can't believe this is my life. when they AREN'T inside my blood my body feels warm and i feel happy and tingly, like a happy baby or something like that. when they're inside me, with their little f-cking puppeteering action my limbs are cold, things feel stiff, i feel sick, dissociated from myself.
it really is like possession--the curse of the neurotic. THIS IS NOT ME. THE ME TALKING RIGHT NOW IS ME.
i'm pretty sure that i'd be fine and functional without these things beating the f-ck out of me and taking over my brain all the time. i don't naturally have much in the way of evil intentions or anything like that. the things that make me feel rage-filled and other than my happy-go-lucky natural self are these frickin horrors.
anyway, so if you're looking for a great way to experience some of the worst emotional pain and horrifying realizations of your life (and simultaneously bring yourself closer to total recovery) look no further than primal scream!
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i'm not s#!t.
i'm champagne. |
| 5 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 05/28/2008 : 18:49:54
here's another weird thing that i've noticed... whenever i'm doing this primal scream stuff, my body tends to contort to one side and i can feel the energy kind of burning around the left side of my chest and spreading up onto the left half of my face and neck. the direction my spine locks into, however, is the same direction as the scoliosis curve that i have.
connection?
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i'm not s#!t.
i'm champagne. |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 05/28/2008 : 18:47:01
quote:
The demons are your own thoughts -- the outside influences that you are allowing to control you -- the chatter in your mind. When you are listening to (and acting on) that chatter, you aren't connecting with your own true inner self. The chatter is a distraction. That self you feel when you feel those warm tingly feelings -- that is your true self. Not all that other noise in your head.
Sounds too simple, doesn't it? But so far I think the author is on to something. I've read similar things in various Buddhist texts by (for example) Thich Nhat Hanh. Seems like The Power of Now doesn't just repeat these ideas, but tries to teach you how to stop the chatter and connect with your inner voice.
this is so dead on it's not even funny. i love figuring this sh-t out.
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i'm not s#!t.
i'm champagne. |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 05/28/2008 : 18:42:56
so much is lost in translation. i've come to realize i'm more beast than man, and man is neurotic and useless (well, maybe of some use, like peace-keeping). positivevibes primal scream therapy is basically what it sounds like, an effort to release all the primal pain and anguish through screaming, convulsing, and generally acting like someone in an asylum. i love it.
i have disconnected myself from these demons. after feeling the god awful pain they're causing me, now whenever they appear i become intensely angry at all of them. i can tell what they are because they're just "chatter" like you said. they have a completely different energy to them, and it actually hurts. they're burning compulsions that scorch across my consciousness and the only way to make them stop is to release the incredible amount of anger i have at their lure.
i never in my life thought i would go through anything like this. i'm going soooo deep in my brain. wow.
anyway this is good because i'm starting to be able to tell the difference between neurosis and who i actually am. yay
also, when i get angry now, i can actually RELEASE it and feel good. and that f-cking ROCKS.
quote:
I would have almost dismissed this sort of stuff if Dr. Bloch hadn't pointed out to me that TMS is actually a war you are fighting with yourself and urged me to read that book. Everyone's war is a little different, but it is a war nonetheless. And yeah, it's enough to make anyone want to scream...
it is a war with yourself. its your id vs. your superego. my superego is an overbearing piece of sh-t and i need to stomp it into submission so i can be myself again. god this world has got me all kinds of messed up.
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i'm not s#!t.
i'm champagne. |
| positivevibes |
Posted - 05/28/2008 : 17:18:37
I've been reading The Power of Now and the author talks about "the painbody," which is to say, the demons you speak about. (The book gets a tad too "new age-y" for me sometimes, but I like the author's take on the situaion nevertheless).
Of course you know who you are. Deep down, you know. Maybe you haven't been true to yourself but there is a real "you" inside, underneath all that garbage you're trying to slog through. In a way, making your current realization is a gift -- that is, realizing that there is "all that other crap" and then there is "you." Instead of thinking that ALL of it is actually you.
The demons are your own thoughts -- the outside influences that you are allowing to control you -- the chatter in your mind. When you are listening to (and acting on) that chatter, you aren't connecting with your own true inner self. The chatter is a distraction. That self you feel when you feel those warm tingly feelings -- that is your true self. Not all that other noise in your head.
Sounds too simple, doesn't it? But so far I think the author is on to something. I've read similar things in various Buddhist texts by (for example) Thich Nhat Hanh. Seems like The Power of Now doesn't just repeat these ideas, but tries to teach you how to stop the chatter and connect with your inner voice.
For starters, you have to disconnect your idea of your "self" from those "demon thoughts." Try to observe them from an objective point of view, as if listening to the radio or watching a TV show -- as if they are a third party. Listen to your thoughts; observe them and understand when they are come out and when they are silent. And then, try stopping them. Tell them, one at a time, "this is not what I want to think/feel right now. I am here, doing (whatever you are doing) and I don't want to think that way now." Or something like that. Seriously, tell them to shut up and go away.
Now I'm not telling you to repress your real emotions. I mean, if you're angry or sad about something valid then of course you should acknowledge it and feel it. But don't let it take you over. We create our emotions and we can control them (although it can be really hard work).
I've certainly had days when I felt almost paralyzed by "shoulds" and "being right" and "being perfect" and other people's opinions of me. My therapist says, "Don't should all over yourself!" Easier said than done.
I would have almost dismissed this sort of stuff if Dr. Bloch hadn't pointed out to me that TMS is actually a war you are fighting with yourself and urged me to read that book. Everyone's war is a little different, but it is a war nonetheless. And yeah, it's enough to make anyone want to scream...
I hope I don't sound too new-age philosophical in this post. It's just that so far I've found these things to be true and they are helping me tremendously. Getting to that inner voice can be a tricky maze because your mind is used to going down a certain road. It's comfortable, even if it's painful. Tell your mind that you have decided to walk a different path now. Remind yourself constantly that you want to change. It's like cognative therapy.
I hope that helps. |
| campbell28 |
Posted - 05/28/2008 : 15:32:20
'the things that make me feel rage-filled and other than my happy-go-lucky natural self are these frickin horrors.'
reading this was really interesting. When you talk about the 'sick, disasociated (bloody hell, i actually can not remember how to spell dissociated even though its right there)' feeling - that is defnitely how I felt when I was going through the worst times and I felt a million miles away from everyone and yes, like a stiff little puppet person, and i still do get that sometimes.
but then when you say that 'i'm pretty sure that i'd be fine and functional without these things beating the f-ck out of me', I think I'm coming to the opposite conclusion. I used to think I was fine and functional: I thought I functioned better than most people.
Now I know that I'm averagely f***ed up, but so is almost everyone else, in some way. And I am trying to rid myself of the neurotic perfectionist traits that broke me down - but I am definitely not, ever again, going to aim to be a fine and functioning happy-go-lucky person (which I really did think I was), because that would be to start ignoring the things that make me me again. I just want to be an honest person.
so at the moment I'm actually sort of embracing the 'rage-filled' bit of me. I don't know exactly what primal scream therapy is, but I am guessing I may have my own unofficial approximation: throwing silent tantrums, crawling around growling etc. which sometimes actually does feel like I'm being possessed, like the kid in the exorcist. I really wouldn't want anyone to see me because they'd chuck me straight in the asylum.
but its kind of OK: I feel safe doing it. I let the crazy exorcist kid come out and do its stuff and I listen to what it has to say ( which is mostly swearing) and then eventually it goes away, or back inside, or wherever.and generally I feel better.
so I'm wondering - do you feel like you have to get rid of ALL the horrible feelings that you are feeling? because you might make yourself unhappier, trying to aim for that idea of being fine and functioning, than if you accept that some bits of you just are going to make you feel horrible- but without them you really would be a sort of automaton.
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