| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 04/24/2008 : 12:10:22
what's up guys, i haven't really asked for help with anything on here before, but i figure it's time to give up the ghost.
i've been stuck at about 90% for about 4 months or so. symptoms are manageable, coming and going at different times and different circumstances during the day. what bothers me the most is how psychologically unhealthy and anxious i feel a lot of the time. there's some piece of the puzzle here that i'm missing out on, so maybe one of you can help me see this. i'm contacting an insight based therapist too that might help me uncover the dynamics that are holding me back from a total recovery.
here's what's bugging me in my life right now:
i have some serious anxiety surrounding people because i have these huge feelings of inferiority. they cause me to act really rigid and controlled in social situations because i'm afraid of ****ing up. i feel really messed up and insecure a lot of the time (almost all of the time) in front of just about everyone (with the exception of one person). this really stresses me out because something that should be fun and playful such as socializing is kind of this nightmare world stemming from all the low self-esteem patterns i developed when i was a kid. (i was a small kid)
i'm in college right now, which could be another stressor. i wouldn't say that it really bothers me that bad at the moment. i'm kind of a genius and so i never really have to work very hard to get decent grades. i do feel anxious and tense in classes right now though, because they bore the sh-t out of me and i'd rather be rock climbing or running around or having sex or whatever. i have to seriously relax and breathe just to get through it.
i've noticed that i'm angry basically all the time because i don't allow myself to be spontaneous because i'm afraid of "doing the wrong thing" to permit a full recovery. this is another major stressor for me. it drives me up the wall and it sucks the fun out of my life. i can barely relax.
my social life is really lacking because of the anxiety and fear of anger that i have around people. i feel like i can't connect with people and/or people wouldn't like the real me. so i put on this show for them and try to have fun when i'm really just going f-ing crazy all the time.
i really want a decent girlfriend but i'm afraid that i have way too many issues for anyone of my caliber to get along with me at this point in my life. on top of that i have serious attacks of shame/defectiveness/low self esteem/general panic when i talk to new people. this f-cking sucks
basically, my life sucks and it's pissed me off for a long time. i'm pretty screwed up in the head but i've managed to knock back a lot of my symptoms just by knowledge alone. i definitely am one of those cases that needs therapy to start adjusting these negative thought patterns. writing out all of those problems makes me think "oh, no duh you have tms, your life would drive anyone to the brink of insanity." but i wonder how different i am from the general population?
anyway, thoughts?
Author of tms-recovery.com
A collection of articles on emotions, lifestyle changes, and TMS theory. |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| drewski28 |
Posted - 05/06/2008 : 14:30:39
I also agree with the Louise Hay books suggestion.
Also read Robert Bly Iron John. I have found
that this helped to but my feelings in perspective.
Thanks,
Andrew |
| drewski28 |
Posted - 05/06/2008 : 14:28:54
Scott:
I am 43 and been in the same boat.
Two things that have worked for me.
Not to lecture you but count your blessings.
If you can find some way to do 1 hour a week volunteering
in your community.
Learn to dance. It will give your spirits a lift.
I really enjoy tango.
3rd suggestion:
Make sure to stay around positive
people.
Many regards,
|
| AmyAJJ |
Posted - 05/05/2008 : 00:38:17
Hi Scott -
You've received a lot of suggestions and feedback here. Isn't it nice to be supported?
Something occurred to me that you might find enjoyable. As I was reading what you wrote, you wrote a few times about the fear that other people aren't going to like you, or that they don't like you.
Have you heard the story about how when you get a new white Hybrid for example, that that's what you start seeing everywhere on the road? It's like you've got that on the brain so those cars start standing out to you. Is it that everyone is buying white Hybrids? No - you're just noticing them now.
So you've been paying attention to noticing how people don't like you. What if you were to start noticing the opposite and looking for ways that they do like you?
This may not be easy at first, but you can start with super small things. Like if you're standing in line at the store and the person behind you doesn't punch you in the neck, you could count that as that person liking you.
If you walk into a store and the cashier asks you how you are, you could count that as her liking you.
You've got yourself convinced of something that you've acknowledged is very stressful for you. So looking for proof for the opposite - no matter how small it is - can be helpful.
Another thing I'd look at is whether or not you're actually okay with the idea of being liked. From what you wrote, you were a small child and maybe that brought along teasing of some kind? Were you ever teased for your level of intelligence or how well you performed on your report card?
I'm asking these things because sometimes when the identity of being "not liked" is really strong, as painful as it is, it is the thing that we cling to because it is what we know.
And as absurd as it may sound, we can actually be afraid sometimes of having what it is we think that we want. We might think we want to have ease is social situations, but when we get really honest with ourselves, there may be subtle (or not so subtle) fears or worries about what would happen if that were actually the case.
What identity or who would you be if you weren't the guy who nobody liked anymore? What if you were the guy that people actually did like? Are you really ready for that life? Are you ready to be admired and appreciated and paid attention to in that way?
This is not to rub something in your face and say that you don't really want what you say you want. 99 % of you might want to be more liked by others, but there may be 1% that is scared in some way of what will happen if you are liked more than you are now. That can be the part that is holding you back. Until you understand what that 1% is scared of, you may not make the progress that you're looking for. Why? Because you're not fully aligned with your wishes.
I have noticed this pattern in myself sometimes that's why I'm suggesting it here. If it's not resonating for you, then please know that it was only for my benefit that I write all this.
Another thing that I have done that has helped when I have been in a down spiral or negative space is to use a gratitude journal. Every night before bed, I write down 5 things that I was grateful for. Then I write a sentence reflecting the happiest moment of my day.
These don't have to be big things. Mostly mine are small things that I notice during the day. Like being grateful that when I turned on the shower there was hot water. Being grateful that there are stop lights because they prevent accidents. Being grateful that I had clean clothes to put on (or a washing machine to clean the dirty ones.) And the happiest moment of my day may have been when I read a funny ecard, or watched a show where a chimp was hugging another chimp.
Again, this is kind of about shifting your awareness to notice things that are more supportive of the life you seem to want to have (one that doesn't suck.) Can I find some gratitude in my day even amidst al this stuff that seems to suck? Can I recognize that even if I have a bad day, that there was one moment that was the happiest?
And I'm in agreement with the others - your life doesn't suck - you just can't see it right now because of the type of thinking that you're seeing through. It's like a lens. Some of these things I've suggested here can help you clear off the lens so that you're seeing more clearly.
Yes, some of them might feel lame when you first start them. So this is where that humility comes in that someone else mentioned earlier in the thread. If you really want your life not to suck, you can look to your actions to see if you're doing things to support that. You're noticing plenty of the things that aren't supporting you in having a better life, so now it's time to bring in some things that will.
Keeping up with Sarno's work as best you can will help. Some of the other ideas like watching your negative self-talk and trying to say nice things about yourself (like someone else mentioned) may help. Some of the things I shared with you here might help. There are plenty of other things that could help too. It's just a matter of finding them and seeing if you're open and willing to give them a try.
Hope this is of some help to you. If nothing else, it's been a great reminder to me of all the things I can do when I'm finding myself feeling down and bummed. So I'm grateful for that. :)
|
| Dave |
Posted - 05/03/2008 : 10:41:45
quote:
Originally posted by scottjmurray
i'm sort of confused at this point. i'm not really sure what to do.
I think you do know, and you're trying to do it.
quote:
i'm trying to learn to experience the shame instead of tensing the f-ck up against it and trying to compensate/run from it...i have to actually face what i'm avoiding...
Exactly.
quote:
i guess i'm kind of stuck trying to figure out how to balance mindfulness/feeling-my-emotions-fully with using logic and "thinking my way out" of them.
I learned early on that you cannot think your way out. It doesn't work. So don't bother trying to figure out this balance. Just focus on feeling whatever emotions you can, and recognizing the thought patterns when they occur, and trying to float through them rather than allow them to rattle you.
I think the fact that you feel that you are "stuck" is just another symptom. You are being too hard on yourself. It seems like you're on the right track. Just focus on the process, not on the result. Take a long-term view and have faith in the process. |
| mizlorinj |
Posted - 05/02/2008 : 13:01:37
Scott, you said the key words: HEAL these wounds. There is a reason for low self-esteem. A therapist or even you on your own could come up with it with some work. Not putting blame here, but our parents are the voices we hear in our heads usually praising or condemning. I remember my mom with "we don't do that". But know that YOU CAN HEAL THIS and change the wiring of your brain to push out the negative and bring in the loving and positive.
I do believe a therapist may be of help so why not try it out. It does not matter what they think of you (fears you mention); this is what their training is--to help people. Be assured you are not their only patient with low self-esteem.
I would also highly highly highly suggest reading Louise Hay books. She has healed her own life of abuse and other horrible events and she shows us how we can do it too. Pushing out the negative and bringing in the positive. It can be done. Actually her new DVD You Can Heal Your Life begins with a young woman starting out her day with all sorts of negative talk going on in her head . . . excellent DVD. She actually mentions the affirmation "life sucks" in one of her books. Let's try to turn that around. How about LIFE IS GOOD!
I wish you well Scott. Look forward to hearing of progress you are making. Without being motherly to you (which brings its own issues to the one being motherly!!  ), would you please try to stop talking down to yourself so much. I know it won't be easy. It would be interesting to see where that pattern came from. . . it has to have had a source. There has to be an underlying cause for all of this and it can be delved into and healed.
Wishing you the best for healing,
-Lori
|
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 05/02/2008 : 12:51:16
quote:
i know that this defectiveness/shame schema is kind of a detour on the road to recovery, because it stops me from connecting with how i really feel about my life (which would be the rage part). frustrating.
I don't think it's necessarily a detour. Rather, you've identified one of the childhood/personality-driven causes of your rage reservoir. This is a major connection to make. When you're in the schema you're stuck but if you are beginning to understand it and circumvent it, then you're reconnecting with life directly.
I would still say I think you might really benefit from trying some therapy. If your desire is to really heal along with changing thought patterns, then I would suggest insight-based therapy if you can find it. From the way I've always understood CBT, it involves mainly what you've already successfully done to some extent -- identifying and starting to break the negative thought patterns. Insight therapy ideally goes deeper to actually access the pain behind the patterns and understand their source. But in any case if you're feeling stuck on your own it can be good to have an outside trained person to bounce things off of, regardless of how they're trained.
My therapist often tells me things that I don't get at the time (or that I think I get but I don't Really Get) but that help me make connections later. This kind of thing can keep you from feeling so stuck.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 05/02/2008 : 11:40:34
i'm sort of confused at this point. i'm not really sure what to do. i have some serious self-worth problems that really interrupt my life. when i'm in social situations those feelings start rising from the depths and it's really difficult to have to swallow them and soldier on. consciously i know it's just a mental pattern that developed in my childhood that is no longer applicable, but it's so damn strong sometimes. i know that this defectiveness/shame schema is kind of a detour on the road to recovery, because it stops me from connecting with how i really feel about my life (which would be the rage part). frustrating.
i'm trying to learn to experience the shame instead of tensing the f-ck up against it and trying to compensate/run from it. this path is difficult but i think that mindfulness is the only way to really heal up from it. that's what i really want, is to heal the damn wound, like.. ACTUALLY heal it. it's such a burden to carry that thing around all of the time. i have to actually face what i'm avoiding...
as far as healing from TMS is concerned, i get the process. it's about learning new mental patterns so that the distractions don't work anymore. it's about learning to put all those fears and obsessions aside and get back to your life, but with a focus on listening to and addressing what is making you angry and stressing you out. simple enough. realize how ridiculous it is.
i guess i'm kind of stuck trying to figure out how to balance mindfulness/feeling-my-emotions-fully with using logic and "thinking my way out" of them. mainly with the shame/defectiveness feelings. i know they're a big problem but i don't really have a good plan of attack at the moment.
Author of tms-recovery.com
A collection of articles on emotions, lifestyle changes, and TMS theory. |
| MikeySama |
Posted - 05/01/2008 : 11:30:47
I don't really post or come here much anymore. I've been stuck at the 90% bit for a long while now. I thought just going on with my life, and not keeping myself occupied with dealing with TMS would help it's helped a bit.
I've had far more good days lately than i can remember having in a while. This week's been a bit rough though, i can't really figure out what is causing the rage. ( I know i need therapy, can't afford it. Insurance doesn't cover it. )
Anyway, a lot of the stuff you mentioned here scott has really hit home with me for some reason. The stress from college, and the part about being afraid to do the wrong thing to permit full recovery. It's like walking on eggshells =/
To be honest it feels like i'll be stuck at this point forever. My patience with tms is below 0% i can tell yah. In any case i would like to know how you're handling it right now. I think it might help me.
Thanks
----
Call me Mike :) |
| Dave |
Posted - 04/28/2008 : 08:06:24
quote:
Originally posted by scottjmurray
what's really tough for me is to have all these schemas firing freely as i go about my day and to feel like its innapropriate to talk about them with the people around me. they're a big part of my life and something i really want to get over and i really want all the people i associate with now to be understanding about it and receptive to me trying to figure this stuff out.
Careful, as this itself may fall into the "approval seeking" pattern. Are you seeking sympathy, or support? If it is the latter, and you do not have family members or close friends you can confide in, then therapy is something you may wish to consider, even something informal such as talking to a guidance counselor at your school.
In any case it sounds like you are on the right track. You can't just stop these thought patterns outright, but you can become mindful of them and disconnect from them, disarming their power over you. |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 04/28/2008 : 01:34:52
you're right armchair. it does bother me how out of touch and uncomfortable everyone is though.
Author of tms-recovery.com
A collection of articles on emotions, lifestyle changes, and TMS theory. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 04/27/2008 : 19:56:52
GREAT SCOTT!!
Sorry, I couldn't resist the pun. That is really terrific that you're finding some thought patterns that aren't working for you and working on how to interfere with them and set up better ones.
The only thing is, I would caution you a bit about sharing a lot of your struggles. It's such a personal thing and many people aren't comfortable discussing this kind of subject because it touches on areas that maybe they haven't dealt with...just make sure you really trust the person and share gradually, try to judge when the moment is right and when it's not.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 04/27/2008 : 19:05:35
i'm feeling better about all this, thanks dave and everyone else for the advice.
i found this book a while ago, the practitioners guide to schema therapy, and it's about identifying and destroying irrational thought patterns. they call them "schemas" and i've found a good 6 or so that have been messing my life up pretty bad. they are:
- defectiveness/shame (basically low self esteem, feeling unworthy, etc. parallel's sarno's "inferiority" feelings)
- approval seeking stuff (that'd be the goodist)
- perfectionism
- negativity and pessimism (exaggerated fears, catastrophic thinking, focusing and dwelling exclusively on the bad stuff in life)
- subjugation (of emotions, needs, desires)
all these problematic thought patterns that plague me really screwed up my attempts to recover from tms because i would get all tangled up in them. now that i know what they are whenever they start to happen i can usually tell what's going on and that it isn't real or rational. it takes a lot of awareness and work but it's really paying off and i'm feeling better.
what's really tough for me is to have all these schemas firing freely as i go about my day and to feel like its innapropriate to talk about them with the people around me. they're a big part of my life and something i really want to get over and i really want all the people i associate with now to be understanding about it and receptive to me trying to figure this stuff out. i'm scared to tell some of them though. it's hard stuff to talk about and i'm calling these therapists on monday.
it's really, really rough to have a defectiveness/shame schema bouncing around in your brain and feel like it's not okay to admit that it's happening. they can still be pretty strong and difficult to "stop," but i'm trying.
i know what you mean about overanalysis. most of my time is spent trying to get past all of the distractions and irrationalities and onto how i actually feel now. looong process.
Author of tms-recovery.com
A collection of articles on emotions, lifestyle changes, and TMS theory. |
| Dave |
Posted - 04/27/2008 : 09:45:34
quote:
Originally posted by scottjmurray
i seem to always find a way to make it seem like people don't really like me, which is really stressful for me.
This seems like low self-esteem projected onto others.
quote:
so, this would be one of the patterns that is still contributing to the rage pool? or i am angry about things under that thought pattern and the pattern itself is the distraction?
That's the way I would look at it. Recognize this thought pattern and yell to yourself: STOP. Accept that this is just an irrational thought pattern (a symptom, if you will) and then try to grab onto whatever feeling is occurring in that moment. Try to follow the feeling down. If it's anger, punch a pillow. If it's sadness, cry your eyes out. Try to uncork the bottle. You may be surprised what comes out.
quote:
what i mean is like, say i'm just feeling real low about myself and i'm worried that something i did is going to make a close friend not like me very much.
Again, this is likely to be a projection of your low self-esteem.
quote:
is that the distraction from how pissed i am to be losing a source of soothing energy or something like that?
Being "pissed" is a symptom. Conscious stress is not what TMS is trying to distract you from. It is the things that you cannot feel that are deep inside. The conscious misdirected feelings and irrational thoughts are part of the distraction.
quote:
i like hanging out with my friends when i'm able to relax and have a good time, so am i angry that i'm losing that from my life, and the self-esteem stuff is a distraction from that?
Why are you losing that from your life? That's something you created in your mind. Again, I think you are confusing conscious feelings and irrational thought patterns as the emotions that TMS is "protecting" you from, when in fact these emotions are part of the distraction itself.
quote:
it seems like what you guys are suggesting is less digging, because i seem to have figured out what most of my problems stem from, and more of ignoring symptoms/fear and trying to change the way that i'm thinking (like the low self esteem stuff). my right?
First of all, you haven't figured out "most" of your problems, so don't try to convince yourself of that. The fact is you really cannot identify the true feelings that TMS is distracting you from. Those feelings are unconscious and can never be felt. You can only explore the conscious ingredients of that inner rage.
Nevertheless, your point is relevant. It is not so much about what you find when you dig, but the digging process itself. By trying to find the sources of the rage, you are thwarting the brain's distraction strategy. You are reconditioning yourself. You are associating the symptoms with inner rage and not with structural causes. This is a fundamental change in how you view the pain. Over time the distraction will fade, regardless of whether or not the digging finds the "real" source of the problem (which may not even be possible to find).
That said, over-analysis is usually counterproductive. Just look at the symptoms -- the pain, the irrational thoughts, the anxiety -- as something you need to identify and then STOP and redirect your thoughts to the psychological realm. It's the recognition and redirection that is the core of the reconditioning process. |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 04/26/2008 : 15:48:01
so let me get this right
i am aware that i have these illusory/destructive thought patterns. i seem to always find a way to make it seem like people don't really like me, which is really stressful for me. so, this would be one of the patterns that is still contributing to the rage pool? or i am angry about things under that thought pattern and the pattern itself is the distraction?
what i mean is like, say i'm just feeling real low about myself and i'm worried that something i did is going to make a close friend not like me very much. is that the distraction from how pissed i am to be losing a source of soothing energy or something like that? i like hanging out with my friends when i'm able to relax and have a good time, so am i angry that i'm losing that from my life, and the self-esteem stuff is a distraction from that?
it seems like what you guys are suggesting is less digging, because i seem to have figured out what most of my problems stem from, and more of ignoring symptoms/fear and trying to change the way that i'm thinking (like the low self esteem stuff). my right?
Author of tms-recovery.com
A collection of articles on emotions, lifestyle changes, and TMS theory. |
| Dave |
Posted - 04/25/2008 : 08:45:27
quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
Dave, you're suggesting the same thing (figuring out the thought patterns), you're just not suggesting he get any help with it.
Please don't put words into my mouth.
Nowhere in my message did I suggest that he not seek therapy.
I personally would never suggest any medical course of treatment on this forum, nor do I believe that anyone should make any such suggestions based solely on information posted here.
Anyone who has any question whatsoever about this should re-read the forum policy.
Diagnosis, treatment methods and other remedial steps can only be provided by a medical doctor.
|
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 04/25/2008 : 08:31:51
Yeah, gee, there's no way we could possibly suggest that someone who seems unhappy should maybe see a therapist to help them figure out what's wrong.
Dave, you're suggesting the same thing (figuring out the thought patterns), you're just not suggesting he get any help with it.
It's kind of unknowable whether therapy is necessary for any given person, but it's worth checking out to see if it might help, especially if you're a student who has access to the college mental health structure so it won't be so freakin' expensive. I wish someone had told me to think about seeing a therapist when I was unhappy in college. Because eventually I had to anyway, and I might have spent six fewer years chronically depressed and never developed full-blown TMS if I had done it earlier.
It is true that lots of people feel confused and unhappy in college, but most people in college (and out of college) don't have full-blown TMS, the kind that seriously interferes with your life -- the fact that it's gotten serious enough to give you major physical problems is a suggestion that maybe you're a bit different from the average. Feeling chronically anxious and tense in classes, angry all the time, and major social anxiety are a level up from your average college student concerns. Those are more in the league of anxiety about tests and papers or going out on a date or to a first meeting of a group, and feeling angry when things go wrong or someone does something ****ty to you. (I'm not that far out of college, and college anyway isn't that different from life -- if you're chronically anxious during the activity that is the bulk of the way you spend your day, that's not something that's true of 90% of people.)
I don't see why you think it's incorrect to recommend checking out therapy. It's not like we're recommending surgery.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
| Dave |
Posted - 04/25/2008 : 07:28:04
First of all, I don't think it's possible for anyone to understand your true thought patterns or recommend any kind of treatment based on a post in an Internet forum.
That said, I have to agree with Baseball here. Your life doesn't suck.
Personally I find your post refreshing especially for such a young person. Look at the positives.
You got 90% relief from your symptoms. This is fantastic. Why not take a long-term view and accept that the other 10% will come as long as you keep doing the work.
You are thinking psychologically. You are well aware of your feelings of inferiority, which most other people would not recognize or accept. You are identifying the ballpark of emotions that are responsible for your symptoms. You just need to dig a little deeper.
Somehow you have come to the conclusion that you are "screwed up in the head." This is just self-deprecation, which along with the anxiety and misdirected anger are symptoms. Try to find where these feelings of low self-esteem are coming from. It likely has to do with your upbringing. When you are aware of these negative thought patterns just say STOP and don't allow them to continue. These are covering up the real sources of rage that produce the symptoms in the first place.
I would say that 95% of college students have similar feelings. The difference is that 90% of those people don't have a clue. You do. That gives you an advantage. Just do the work and take a long-term view. Force yourself to do the activities you are avoiding. It is akin to resuming physical activity when you have painful symptoms. It sends a message to your brain that you are not allowing this strategy to continue.
Avoidance just gives in to the fear -- the fear of not being able to succeed at something. For example, you're not afraid of talking to new people. You're afraid of not being able to talk to new people. Just do it, and over time you will recondition yourself. You disarm the fear. You thwart the brain's strategy.
You're in college. Enjoy your life and stop behaving like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. It's not. Not yet. In 15 years you will look back and regret not taking full advantage of this time. As they say, "youth is wasted on the young."
|
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 04/25/2008 : 05:51:50
quote:
Originally posted by scottjmurray
i have some serious anxiety surrounding people because i have these huge feelings of inferiority. they cause me to act really rigid and controlled in social situations because i'm afraid of ****ing up. i feel really messed up and insecure a lot of the time (almost all of the time) in front of just about everyone (with the exception of one person). this really stresses me out because something that should be fun and playful such as socializing is kind of this nightmare world stemming from all the low self-esteem patterns i developed when i was a kid. (i was a small kid)
i'm kind of a genius and so i never really have to work very hard to get decent grades.
anyway, thoughts?
Wow.. Time warp. Did I post this here when I was 20 and forget about it? Sheesh.
Intelligence is the ability to make distinctions. Subtleties..Nuance.
People who tend to make them quicker than others are called smart. People who process them at lightning speed are called genius. EVERYBODY ends up at the same place, it's just a matter of how fast.
These same people also tend to be social miscreants of one type or another...either arrogant and aloof ,or withdrawn and self conscious. They are either feeling every breeze or making their own storm.
The opposite of Low self esteem is NOT high self esteem. The secret to getting over 'esteem' issues is to go for NO esteem. People just are...not better, not worse..just are. Remember, esteem is a regard, an estimation , a Judgment... yours are based on gossamers and likely to be knee jerk and dramatic. That's why most 'Geniuses' have trouble.
"The price of Genius is paid in the coin of alienation"
-Halley
(I think it only fair to notate here that according to most students of the mind, Sir Isaac Newton was probably the smartest man who ever lived a recorded life...and he died a virgin, having no time for women...his quotes are precious)
I would suggest getting involved in something you're NOT good at. Like an activity you've always wanted to do but didn't for some reason. Mine was Baseball. I always loved it. I had been decent in my Youth, but had quit after throwing a temper tantrum at a coach when I was 15 (in retrospect, about the alleged incident, HE was in the right). As an adult in my twenties, it was a humbling experience going back. You can read all the books you want, but when the hammer drops and you swing at air, it's a very therapeutic walk back to the bench. No one cares how smart you are.
Your life doesn't suck. Go and read about Jim McLaren
http://www.jimmaclaren.com/about.htm
Your Life rules.. you're just not using it. If college is that easy, split and do it later if you want. Your Life is more important than a paper sign to hang on the wall , in the office of the job that you don't really like anyways.
I am always impressed when I see a TMS person who understands at that young of an age. I would have laughed at Sarno when I was in my twenties. Use that advantage NOW and be way ahead of the rest of the food chain later.
I'd take a break from the writing. It can get anyone down, for in spite of the wonderful, magical, mystics we all fancy ourselves, there's nothing like an hour on the journal to remind us that we are just a virus with shoes and a mailing address.
Try something else. 90% is pretty damn far.
-peace |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 04/24/2008 : 14:54:19
I agree with Hillbilly (red letter day!) -- you should see a therapist. Doesn't really matter what kind, insight or CBT. Get a look into your thought patterns, and where they might have originated. Not necessarily a big focus on the past, but just, these kinds of patterns come from somewhere and it can help to understand where. Your thought patterns definitely aren't helping you live a happy life right now.
And relax about recovery. The right thing to do to recover is to return to your normal life without fear of pain. If you're so worried about screwing up your recovery you haven't gotten free of the fear yet. Get out there and do things. You've got the basics down, you really can't screw up at this point as long as you keep a good handle on the psychological origin of symptoms.
It doesn't matter if you are different or normal or whatnot, you are not happy, and you can be if you deal with some of this stuff!
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
| Hillbilly |
Posted - 04/24/2008 : 13:02:53
Two things will help you immediately:
1) Rein in your ego-driven positions (nobody here cares if you are a genius. If you suffer from self-esteem issues, you are going to be miserable no matter if you are too stupid to tie your shoes). I was the brashest insecure guy in the county until I got sick from nerves. Then the whole charade fell apart and I had to rebuild with new standards of averageness and humility.
2) Call the school's psych services and see a CBT-trained therapist (you may have to go outside the school if you don't connect at first) and talk out these predominant thought patterns. Then apply what you learn to your every waking moment and see what happens. Your pain will go away utterly and entirely once you get rid of the predominant tension-inducing thoughts and behaviors that are ruining your life. You are holding onto yourself all the time, tensing inwardly with fear and anticipation of doom to the ego (embarrassment, humiliation, they think I'm weird, won't like me, etc.)
You have two choices: humble yourself and seek help or try to behave and think in a way that pleases your monstrous and FALSE sense of self and continue to suffer.
I am not talking down to you here. I committed all the sins you have and more and for far longer. Get some help, guy. It's out there. |
|
|
