| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| hazerfazer |
Posted - 03/27/2008 : 18:47:38
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to break this cycle of depression and despair and anxiety and obsessiveness. I have been living off of memories for a long time. I am 17 now and my senior year of high school is almost over, and I feel like I have lost so much. My parents divorced when I was one, and my mom lives a thousand miles away. I see her and my half brother and half sister at holidays and during the summer but I feel so cheated.
I haven't felt good in so long, that I just soak up the extreme nostalgia I feel when I think about great memories from when I was little. I feel like I have lost all those times, that they are gone, that they were the only purity I knew, the only absolute beauty I was sure of, and now everything is different. Of course not everything is different, but I don't know. But now I am going to go off to college, still be a thousand miles away from my other side of the family.
I don't know how to let go of all the hurts done to me. I feel so slighted, so pissed on, so angry, so alone. I always suffered from TMS in one form or another, usually in the form of worrying about something medical. First, I was afraid of getting strep throat and getting a strep test. Then I was afraid cause my mom had ulcerative colitis. I was really afraid of those things. Now that TMS has moved to a constant form of anxiety and obsessiveness that no one can relate to, I just feel so alone. I don't even know how to explain it. Just.... I am always aware of my vision. I am always relating the way I feel to the way things appear around me. If it's really bright around me, I am totally focused on that and think things like "thing didn't used to look like this back when I was little, back when I was happy". Somehow I relate different sights to the way I feel. I don't even know how to explain it. I can't talk about it with anyone around me cause no one would understand it. I don't understand it. I don't understand why I have to suffer.
I want to be the best person I can be, the best person in the world. I want to accomplish everything I can think of, be as happy as I can be, be as good of a person as can be, and not be like everyone else. I feel like part of me wants to stay in this depression because I am afraid of being like everyone else. The kids at school are happy, but they are idiots. I don't want to be like them.
I live with my dad most of the time, and I can't talk to him about anything emotional really. He wouldn't get it. He doesn't understand, he doesn't know what to say, and a lot of the time he makes me feel like ****. Not on purpose, it's just the way he is. Always criticizing, always getting mad about stupid stuff. How do I get anything out if the one person I live with most of the time is largely making me upset. I don't want to call my mom and say how sad I am. I don't want to make her sad. But who do I talk to. I'm going to a psychiatrist, I don't like talking to him because he doesn't really care about me. No one I can talk to will understand. I just want to be comforted. I want someone to acknowledge all the hurts that have been done to me. I want someone to console me and feel my pain. I need someone to prove they care.
This depression all started my freshman year. This is another thing that is going to make no sense to people. That's why it's so hard for me to talk about anything, it just wouldn't make sense to people. You see, I had/have an extreme love for music. I wanted/want to be the best guitar player in the world. I wanted/want to play so I can express all the things I feel that can't be expressed through words. I don't know that anyone can truly know me just from my words alone. But something in me was resistant, and I didn't practice much, and I felt bad about not wanting to practice, and it was just a cycle of being upset with myself for not doing what would make me able to express myself. Then all of a sudden, a technique that is essential to a guitarist and one I could do fine up until that point, all of a sudden I just couldn't do it. You see, no one will be able to understand that, so I don't even know. So all of a sudden it's a wake up call. I don't know why I can't do it. I go to three teachers, I spend hours and hours trying to figure out why I can't do it, I find nothing. I still don't know why I have a problem doing it, I can work around it now and it doesn't matter now really, but at the time it was horrendous. I felt like all my hopes and dreams were destroyed.
Now I go to school everyday and most of the time feel the same crappy things. I feel like I'm so disconnected from the world when I'm in school, I just wish I could be with my mom. I feel like, I'm in the same place at the same time everyday, and it is just a habit to feel like this repetitiveness triggers the same depressed obsessive feelings. Part of me feels like I need to keep feeling these same feelings, because I don't want to forgive myself, people around me, and the world in general for all my hurts. I feel like it's such a deeply ingrained habit to feel like ****, I know no other way. I do know I know another way, but I haven't deeply felt it in a long time. I feel like it's hard to be myself because I want to appease others' expectations of me. I feel so much anger that these stupid kids around me that do drugs and drink are happy and I try to be the best I can be and I feel absolutely terrible. Confused, depressed, whatever. I've been to several psychologists/ psychiatrists, and none have seemed to be that good. It's hard to open up to someone that doesn't truly care about me. I want things back the way they were. Please.....
Can't wait to be healed! |
| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Sky |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 09:57:51
also Hazer,
I might not be so harsh on your classmates. Though they seem happy, they're likely just as miserable as you are.
We all respond to our own feelings of insecurity in different ways. Some of us grow bitter at others (you seem to be veering toward that response a little bit, which is perfectly normal), some of us fake laugh in order to feel like we fit in and to look like we fit in, some of us do drugs for the same reason.
I'd say, though, that you and your classmates are all trying your best. Growing up is hard. Everyone has his/her own different difficult emotional trauma. Yea, some peopel's are harder than others, but that's not for you to decide, and emotional difficulty is emotional difficulty nonetheless. You're all doing your best.
I wonder if you stop judging others for being "inferior" in various ways and wanting to somehow punish or criticize them for it, you'll learn to stop judging and criticizing and punishing yourself, and htat carefree feeling of life that you haven't felt in so long may just creep back into your life, and before you know it, that guitar maneuver will be right back in your repetoire.
In many ways, the world is a projection of yourself. You are your entire world. You'll never live in another brain or body. If you judge the world to be inferior in some way, ask yoruself how you're in the same way but on another level, and you'll see how much in common you have with the world around you. This can be a comforting, healthy thought when you're feeling especially disconnected. |
| Sky |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 09:52:21
Hazerfazer,
you sound SO much like I felt in high school!
I'm 23 now, and so much more happy and at peace with my life than I was in high school. What got me there was suffering through maybe 3 more years of how you're feeling now, developing RSI that I thought was caused by typing my class notes in school, suffering from it for almost 2 years and seeing doctors about it (all the while still being quite depressed and insecure and unhappy with myself and situation, despite that things were so good in so many ways I couldn't see and feel), then reading Sarno's The Mindbody Prescription, and later Byron Katie's "Loving What Is," which all helped me see how the way in which one processes one's conscious experience of life dramatically determines if he/she is happy/content/at peace with life or at war with it.
In my opinion, your inability to do your guitar maneuver is the product of a loss of self-confidence, which is the product of emotional pain that's produced largely by your regrets about your family situation and by simply being 17 (the emotions are felt ESPECIALLY strongly at that age, before you learn in time to see things in a larger perspective and not get so hung up about every litte thing that troubles you).
For me, it was seeing the connection between stress, emotional pain, and one's attachment to false beliefs that has helped me find so much peace with my situation in this world.
I'd check out Byron Katie's "Loving What Is" to get a better sense of what I'm talking about.
What you're feeling now will be tremendously helpful as a frame of reference later in life as you learn to see the peace and joy that's inherently present in your every waking moment. You are you, and that's everything to be happy about. Don't worry if what I'm writing doesn't make sense to you now. You'll grow, and you'll learn.
For most of us, high school is SUPPOSED to suck. :) |
| campbell28 |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 08:38:31
hazerfazer: I have had a similar experience to one of the problems you mentioned and thought it might help if I told you that I am getting much better now. You said you stopped being able to do a particular guitar technique which was really upsetting, although you can now work around it; and that you had been feeling resistant to practice etc.
I have had a similar problem with singing: I love singing and have been doing it for years. However for the past few years I kept finding that when I was in a concert or under pressure; singing a high or quiet note; my voice would crack and make horrible noises. Quite often I would just mime and not sing because I was so scared of what would come out.
So I really felt like I was being pulled in two directions, because I love music but it was making me miserable, so I resented it. I was in a similar cycle to the one you mentioned, of beating myself up for not doing as well as I could (I thought it was a problem with my technique), and then feeling miserable if I forced myself to practice and it still didn't help.
I have realised now that this was all connected to the TMS problems and nervous breakdown I had in the past two years. I realised that for a long time I had been doing things and pushing myself in order to please other people (i'm not even sure which 'people' - just for general approval). So consciously I wanted to succeed and do well. But subconsciously I really resented the pressure I was putting myself under. And while I had started off singing because I loved it, I had kind of lost sight of that. I was spending more time worrying about getting it right, getting it perfect, and being afraid of failing, than I was on enjoying the music.
The good news is that, having realised this,read sarno's books, had a lot of counselling and got some more insight into everything, things are starting to get better and I am having much less trouble with singing and really beginning to enjoy it again. I hope that I will get rid of all the fear and anxiety attached to it and be able to sing for the love of it again.
It sounds like you are not having so many problems with the guitar now, but I know how upsetting it is to suddenly find that something you love is causing you pain and misery.
It sounds like you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure to live well and 'be the best you can be', and I think this is may be what affected your guitar playing.
As i say, the good news is that this is not something that needs to last forever, and you can come back to being at ease with and enjoying the guitar again for its own sake, and not as something you need to be ' the best' at or put yourself under pressure to do.
good luck with everything - I hope things get better for you soon. |
| Scottydog |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 00:34:11
Hazerfazer
I don't think anyone on this thread has mentioned journalling. It is a great healer, but not instant by any means, but for some reason writing everything down makes a difference. Journal for half an hour a day or more if necessary. It helps to clear your head and eventually stops you going over and over stuff (and it's usually the distressing stuff you go over and over).
Anne |
| johnaccardi |
Posted - 04/02/2008 : 20:01:04
Hello Hazerfazer, like I said, I’m 19 years old and just about to finish my freshman year of college. First of all I would like to say that I think you and me are very similar people as I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here.
I have had patterns of nostalgia my whole life. I remember in second grade looking back at kindergarten memories in sadness…that young! Now I look back at the times when I looked back, haha. My point is I still look back and someday I will look back at today. It’s quite a bizarre cycle. I have always worried about something physical as you have. When I was in forth grade I had a mild case of Anorexia Nervosa, and several other physical problems. Right now and for the past 6 months I have had an extremely dry mouth, dry eyes, and dry skin. These symptoms make it very hard for me to function. These symptoms are also the symptoms of a permanent disease called “Sjogren’s”. It has scared me immensely, I’m not sure if it’s Sjogren’s or not but the thought of these symptoms being permanent has spiraled me down to the deepest depression. I do feel better now after learning of TMS and the good chance that TMS is all I have (temporary). Also, just like you, my father is strict, close-minded, and overly critical. I have had crazy dreams like going to the NBA, being the next Metallica, or being a professional fighter. I just couldn’t imagine myself being an “average” guy. Then I found psychology, I realized that with this knowledge I could help myself and others. I now have a great amount of passion for this study. What I’m trying to say is that your dream of playing guitar, which I also play…another similarity, is great and maybe you could pursue it as a career, but just know other things will come along, you will find passion in what you do. That feeling of disconnection you speak of…I know exactly what you mean. This winter I would walk around campus and feel like I was in a bubble. I was faking everything to try to look happy and in control when I was a mess. I was so depressed this winter. The symptoms affected me so much, they still do. But back when I was “sure” they were permanent I had no hope. The worst feeling in the world is no hope of the future. I was thinking of ways to kill myself all day everyday for months, it was bad. Just know you have hope.
I have learned a lot in my Psychology field and received excellent advice from others, I would like to say a few words to maybe make you feel stronger, make you feel just a little better, if only for a short time. I realize that you have suffered the divorce of your parents, so I can’t relate from that perspective but I know what I say here is true, trust me, I would bet a million dollars on it. Here we go:
My main message to you is: These feelings you have are in no way permanent! They will be gone, you will be healed, and when you are healed you will be wiser, stronger, and happier than ever. My favorite quote, “Adversity and Loss make a man wise.” Don’t worry about how the negative emotions will fade away or when they will fade, just know they will fade. I know it’s so much easier said than done, but try to just ride on these negative emotions. Don’t think they are so bad. Float with them and be miserable when you’re miserable. Don’t try to fight them. Have faith in God. He has a plan, he has a reason, he knows the outcome; he will change your life. Pray to God every night when you go to bed, he will cure you. Get a new psychiatrist, as everyone seems to agree, and talk with this person about sharing your feelings with your mother. Very good job with avoiding drugs. When your healed and free in the end the last thing you want is to be all messed up on drugs. Stay clean and stay smart, in the end it will be worth it.
Have faith! Believe me, mark my words, you’ll be fine and healed soon!
|
| johnaccardi |
Posted - 04/02/2008 : 08:18:21
Hazerfrazer,
I am 19,a freshamn at college, and I saw a lot of myself in what you wrote. I will post later in detail but I don't have time right now. |
| RageSootheRatio |
Posted - 04/01/2008 : 16:27:50
Dear HazerFazer,
I just wanted to also offer some support. You are an amazingly insightful person. Others have suggested you find a therapist/psychiatrist you "click with" and I agree that is excellent advice ... and if you don't find it right away, PLEASE don't despair, or think it is you. A truly caring helpful psychiatrist/psychologist, is really out there for you, and you may just need to keep looking. At age 17, it didn't happen for me, nor at 27, nor at 37, but by 47 (!) some 10+ psychiatrists later, I finally found the right one for me, and it was worth the wait. I know it won't take you that long, because you are so far ahead of where I was at 17, but I just wanted to let you know that a good therapist/psychiatrist WILL be able to help, and you will FEEL that they do truly care about you, and the process of opening up to someone who has earned your trust can really feel quite profound. You said, "none have seemed to be that good." Please trust yourself on that .. when you meet the right one, you *will* KNOW. |
| pmazzdog |
Posted - 03/31/2008 : 18:35:38
HazerFazer,
I know what you mean about "same place....same time" and how it is a trigger. I do not have any answers, but I know the hurt of wanting to be a part of your family. Does your mother know how you feel?
You are a very smart 17 year old. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 03/31/2008 : 18:18:18
quote:
these stupid kids around me that do drugs and drink are happy and I try to be the best I can be and I feel absolutely terrible
Being "the best you can be" all the time is an incredible amount of anger-inducing pressure on yourself. I speak both from experience and from seeing this written down in The Divided Mind, in the chapter by Andrea Leonard-Segal. In all likehlihood you are depressed in part BECAUSE you are putting so much pressure on yourself. And they are, perhaps, happy in part because they aren't!
I agree with Dr. Ziggles that you need to find a therapist that you click with. A good therapist does care about you. Not in the same way as a friend or family member. They are more objective. But they do care, and because they are more objective they can help you see how to sort things out. They have the goal of helping you be more yourself and have a happier life, which is a goal totally focused on you, something no friend or family member can give you because they need things from you in return.
I could have written a lot of the things you are writing at about the same time in my life (around 16 -- I'm 26 now). I wish I had gotten help sooner, but I also had trouble finding a therapist I liked. The ones I saw didn't seem to understand. Stick with it and try to find a good one and sort things out. Things can get better.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
| drziggles |
Posted - 03/31/2008 : 09:52:45
A couple of things:
1. I echo Penny's thoughts. You need to find a psychiatrist/ therapist whom you click with, and might benefit from an antidepressant medication, given how long you have had this problem, in addition from counseling.
2. Give yourself a break! I have one guarantee for you: you will never be the best guitarist in the world. But you know what? That's ok! As long as you require that, you will never be satisfied or happy. Just enjoy music/playing again. Be ok with being a good person, not the best person. You are only 17 years old--learning these things now will save you a lot of frustration in the future.
Of course, you should consult with your physician before making any medical decisions. Good luck to you. |
| Penny |
Posted - 03/27/2008 : 19:31:14
First of all, HazerFazer, you are amazingly eloquent at 17 years of age! The fact that you are so in tune with your feelings and your disappointment and understanding about how you differ from your peers is remarkable. I see this as a great asset for you. I applaud you for making different choices than others around you. Staying of drugs and alcohol and dealing with reality is a harder path, but what you are doing is noble and brave, and ultimately will protect and serve you and your blossoming life.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much and that your family life has been so difficult. I can't imagine what it would've been like to live so far away from my mother as you have! Even though this pain hurts you, I bet it's made you very strong!
Do you have any friends in your life? Anyone who you are close to and can trust somewhat? I know you said you tried therapists, but maybe you just didn't find the right one for you. There are so many out there, some goodies and some less than helpful. Perhaps you just met with the wrong type for a while. For me therapy proved a very difficult path, but a path to get me to talk about the things that bothered me the most. Maybe you could try to stick it out with someone new for a longer period of time? Have you thought about group therapy? A friend of mine has enjoyed and benefitted from that much more than individual therapy. Everyone is different, so maybe this would better suit you?!
Do you work or do you have plans to go to college? I think as eloquent a writer you are, you will have a great career ahead of you if you find what you enjoy and where you want to make a difference. Tell us some more about you. You don't know us, but many of us can be friends from afar. I for one care about you and hope you find some happiness.
This might sound corny, but I really believe that beauty is all around us, in much more abundance than we often readily recognize. Two years ago I was in a terrible dark depression and I didn't believe this at all. In addition to dealing with all my physical pain, I was absorbed in the world's tragedies. Every time I read the paper or turned on the news, there is was, a constant reminder of humanity's shortcomings. I was SICK of it all! You know what I did? I stopped turning the TV on. I stopped reading the papers. I chose to be uninformed about politics and the so-called "important" occurrences of the day. I started reading funny things, watching old comedy films. I started listening to better music, and LOUDLY. I put away photo albums and frames that reminded me of happier days gone by. At first I was not amused, but over time these seemingly little changes played a significant role in my outlook and as my outlook improved so did my health.
Please tell us more about your life and situation. I for one want to help and care.
>|< Penny
"Feeling will get you closer to the truth of who you are than thinking."
~ Eckhart Tolle
|
|
|
