| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| hematite |
Posted - 01/28/2008 : 12:34:36
Starting on Friday, I just lay in bed and began to love my anxiety. I realized that I don't have anxiety, I have dread. Constant sense of dread. And below the dread there's rage. So I have just been sitting with these intense feelings and today I'm feeling better! I think it's fascinating that i tense up all the time and get tms pain, etc in order to avoid feeling these feelings that are not that bad, once you get used to them.
Also, I feel like to reject these feelings is to reject life, itself. At one point I just kept saying, "I love and accept my dread." And I had the weirdest sensation, like dread was saying back to me, "Thank God, because nobody loves me." I know that sounds corny, but I really do think, after this weekend, that all energies should be embraced and held. For the health of the body and for the sense of balance on the planet. I think once they are embraced they calm down, but I'm almost enjoying being in the thick of it.
Very excited. I write this from a desk after sitting up or standing for 6 hours. Very rare for me. Normally need to take constant breaks.
It's just day #1 of feeling better because the reason I lay low this weekend was that I had the flu, and I did take some risperdal last night, but I take the stuff all the time and i can't go 6 hours without a break.
Just thought I'd report good news. This website is a life saver.
I'd like to keep a commitment to post once a week with my progress!
Thanks! |
| 4 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| hematite |
Posted - 01/30/2008 : 09:49:54
Thanks for the feedback! It is day #3. Today, I was scared I would wake up in pain because I danced in heals, cleaned, and basically did a lot of crazy things yesterday.
Great news! No pain this morning. I took risperdal last night, but I take like 1/20th of the standard dose. And I've taken it many times before and still suffered horribly with pain.
I relate to the post re: sibling stuff. It's so interesting, I just wrote this long letter to a brother who is actually violent and emotionally a total psycho. My mother is distraught because I won't be where he is but she can't totally face the fact that he's got this issue. But anyway, Last week I wrote him a letter, kind of stating, point blank, all the things I had done that probably hurt him. I asked his forgiveness and said that the letter wasn't about getting back with him, it was just to try to set things right and I wished him well in his life.
Well, something magical happened, and I believe that letter inspired a deeper level of forgiveness in me. I feel free of the resentment and the fear of him. And that is also when the movement happened with finally being able to sit with the feelings.
I'm not sure why apologizing to a person who totally has persecuted me worked like such a charm. I didn't do it impulsively. I worked with a lot of people, wrote the letter and read it to a person I really trusted and she gave me the thumbs up. I recognized that I had done a lot of stuff to hurt him, too. That he wasn't just a lunatic for hating me. But that he has a very hardened heart. So that's my story for now!
Hematite!
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| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 01/28/2008 : 22:43:39
quote:
I think it's fascinating that i tense up all the time and get tms pain, etc in order to avoid feeling these feelings that are not that bad, once you get used to them.
Yes, exactly.
The one I'm sitting in right now is the dread of an elder sister who at any moment could and would hurt or attack me, when I was too small to defend myself. I can see that this translated into "sensitivity" aka a kind of hypervigilance - wanting to be sure that everyone around me is okay, happy, liking themselves and me... etc.
So, are you all okay? Do you like me?
And I can see very clearly, as I posted elsewhere, that this dread has been SO non-specific that even though I'm down and jiggy with the idea of sitting in feelings, I just couldn't find it to sit in until now. Life has kindly pinpointed the feeling I was avoiding (by my sis doing it again).
To avoid the feeling of the dread I created complicated habits of attention and neural energy that seem to be symptoms of illness. This also served to protect me from further attack by her, because if I was attacking myself, she wouldn't attack me so intensely.
It's all becoming clear as I am breathing into the center of it, loving it, rolling around in it like a pig in ****.
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 01/28/2008 : 18:03:21
Hmm, I don't think I recommended it...is it good? :)
Congrats, hematite. The emotions are painful, but once you feel them, they pass away. It really isn't so bad, except when it's terrible occasionally, and then it's not so bad again. :)
I love the idea of loving your dread. The biggie for me was understanding that my anger was trying to do something for me, namely let me know I didn't like the situation and giving me the power to do something about it. I think my post about that is on this forum somewhere. Then I could appreciate it for what it is.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
| Littlebird |
Posted - 01/28/2008 : 16:25:11
That's a great post! I'm glad to hear your good news. I decided a few months ago to stop emotionally "running" from the sense of dread that I feel most of the time, and it's helped to improve things a bit. It's made the feeling become much less intense, and sometimes it not there at all. I was helped by a book that was recommended by someone, I think by Armchairlinguist, called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." |
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