All Forums  TMSHelp  TMSHelp General Forum  a fabulous story of rage, grief, terror

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Screensize: 640 x 480 800 x 600 1024 x 768 1280 x 1024 UserName: Password: Format Mode: Basic  Help  Prompt  Format: Font Andale Mono Arial Arial Black Book Antiqua Century Gothic Comic Sans MS Courier New Georgia Impact Lucida Console Script MT Bold Stencil Tahoma Times New Roman Trebuchet MS Verdana   Size 1 2 3 4 5 6   Color Black Red Yellow Pink Green Orange Purple Blue Beige Brown Teal Navy Maroon LimeGreen Message: * HTML is OFF * Forum Code is ON Smilies [quote][i]Originally posted by Wavy Soul[/i] [br]I thought I would report on my progress. First, I want to say that I have had a HUGE recovery overall from 30 years of CFS/TMS through mostly Sarno methodology which I have adapted into something that works for me. But I have had HUGE stresses in the last few years, and have continued to have roving symptoms, which I have talked about here, like TMJ and so on. I'm writing because recently I found out that my sister has cancer. She is 4 years older than me and has basically hated me since birth. My arrival seemed to ruin her life, and she never got off it, ending up overweight, alcoholic (although in the UK it's normal!), having 2 hip replacements already and now a very rare form of cancer. When I found out about the cancer I was EXTREMELY activated, but I couldn't figure out quite why. I mean, one part of my mind was just feeling compassionate, and I was emailing her with support etc. We have been back in contact more in the past 2 years because of my father's death and my mother's slow descent into dementia at 89. I had lots of therapy and journaling about what exactly it was that I was feeling, but I was mostly employing various TMS equivalents like late night eating. But my fatigue was also back big time, and an emotional sensibility to things... So yesterday I had a HUGE revelation (this post is full of huge!). Sis called to say she had told mom about her cancer. I called mom who was very upset. It was unusually sweet for mom, who is not yer warm and cuddly momma. Since sis had been very angry that mom wasn't seeming to realize she was ill, I, the ultimate goodist, called my back to tell her how much mom loves her. After telling her I started to cry. It was from a deep feeling of concern for her. All of a sudden she started yelling: "Oh, for God's sake, don't put me through this. YOu always do this in this family, being the drama queen and sucking everyone else's feelings right out of them." It was very shocking, especially since I almost never see my family (once a year max as they are so far away). On questioning her it turned out that my transgression had been to cry at my father's deathbed. And it was definitely a suppressed whimper, to conform to the stiff upper lip thing going on with her and my stepmother. I felt SO traumatized by her saying this. It was clearly confirming a deep subconscious belief that I had been holding, that my feelings are not okay and that they hurt other people. I processed for much of the day with friends and my therapist, and surmised that she was SO pissed when I arrived at birth, all full of unsuppressed emotions that must have seemed to take my parents' attention from her when perhaps she wasn't getting enough anyway... The feeling from her saying this reminded me that she verbally abused me for my whole childhood (and in other ways too which I remembered in hypnosis). As I unravelled it I realized that it was really good in many ways that this happened, because now I am more aware of all the feelings that were stimulated by her cancer and I don't have to TMS them any more. So I'm using this place to say: 1) I am ENRAGED that I was treated this way and I declare that it is okay for me to have my feelings and that they do not hurt anyone. (I am very careful not to dump them). 2) I have been TERRIFIED of sis and others like her I have attracted in my life 3) My inner child feels what seems to be infinite GRIEF and SORROW at being unseen and unheard for her feelings. So, body/inner child/brain: you don't have to distract me any more from these feelings. I'm down and jiggy with them, feeling my way through them, don't need your symptomatic help in dealing with this. It is not true that you shouldn't feel or express feelings. I'm so sorry you got that message. I feel grateful to have this place to unravel this with some mirroring. xx Love is the answer, whatever the question [/quote]   Check here to include your profile signature.