| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 12/16/2007 : 04:09:50
I thought I would report on my progress.
First, I want to say that I have had a HUGE recovery overall from 30 years of CFS/TMS through mostly Sarno methodology which I have adapted into something that works for me.
But I have had HUGE stresses in the last few years, and have continued to have roving symptoms, which I have talked about here, like TMJ and so on.
I'm writing because recently I found out that my sister has cancer. She is 4 years older than me and has basically hated me since birth. My arrival seemed to ruin her life, and she never got off it, ending up overweight, alcoholic (although in the UK it's normal!), having 2 hip replacements already and now a very rare form of cancer.
When I found out about the cancer I was EXTREMELY activated, but I couldn't figure out quite why. I mean, one part of my mind was just feeling compassionate, and I was emailing her with support etc. We have been back in contact more in the past 2 years because of my father's death and my mother's slow descent into dementia at 89.
I had lots of therapy and journaling about what exactly it was that I was feeling, but I was mostly employing various TMS equivalents like late night eating. But my fatigue was also back big time, and an emotional sensibility to things...
So yesterday I had a HUGE revelation (this post is full of huge!). Sis called to say she had told mom about her cancer. I called mom who was very upset. It was unusually sweet for mom, who is not yer warm and cuddly momma. Since sis had been very angry that mom wasn't seeming to realize she was ill, I, the ultimate goodist, called my back to tell her how much mom loves her. After telling her I started to cry. It was from a deep feeling of concern for her.
All of a sudden she started yelling: "Oh, for God's sake, don't put me through this. YOu always do this in this family, being the drama queen and sucking everyone else's feelings right out of them." It was very shocking, especially since I almost never see my family (once a year max as they are so far away). On questioning her it turned out that my transgression had been to cry at my father's deathbed. And it was definitely a suppressed whimper, to conform to the stiff upper lip thing going on with her and my stepmother.
I felt SO traumatized by her saying this. It was clearly confirming a deep subconscious belief that I had been holding, that my feelings are not okay and that they hurt other people. I processed for much of the day with friends and my therapist, and surmised that she was SO pissed when I arrived at birth, all full of unsuppressed emotions that must have seemed to take my parents' attention from her when perhaps she wasn't getting enough anyway...
The feeling from her saying this reminded me that she verbally abused me for my whole childhood (and in other ways too which I remembered in hypnosis). As I unravelled it I realized that it was really good in many ways that this happened, because now I am more aware of all the feelings that were stimulated by her cancer and I don't have to TMS them any more.
So I'm using this place to say:
1) I am ENRAGED that I was treated this way and I declare that it is okay for me to have my feelings and that they do not hurt anyone. (I am very careful not to dump them).
2) I have been TERRIFIED of sis and others like her I have attracted in my life
3) My inner child feels what seems to be infinite GRIEF and SORROW at being unseen and unheard for her feelings.
So, body/inner child/brain: you don't have to distract me any more from these feelings. I'm down and jiggy with them, feeling my way through them, don't need your symptomatic help in dealing with this. It is not true that you shouldn't feel or express feelings. I'm so sorry you got that message.
I feel grateful to have this place to unravel this with some mirroring.
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| 7 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 12/18/2007 : 19:15:58
Lizzie!
Sorry - I didn't mean anything about overweight and UK at all - just bad grammar - as regards alcohol I've noticed that what we would call alcoholic in US (i.e. needing to drink every single day) is normal there.
To everyone
Thanks everyone for great responses. Yes, I got Dr. Dave's book. I'm still working through it. It's as though a light has gone on and allowed me to see the fog that was there all along. Fantastic. Painful. Ouch ouch ouch, but I know from experience that being in the emotional pain for a while can save me years of physical "pain syndrome."
love to you all fa la la
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| MAbbott |
Posted - 12/17/2007 : 08:02:34
Thank you for sharing your story. Opening that door to the rage/grief is daunting but I think you are lucky this has happened and that you took the risk to put yourself out there. If you hadn't, you would not have gotten this close to your hidden resevoir.
The book by Dr Dave, "They can't find anything wrong" could be really useful to you right now. Don't stop working on this -- I believe it is key to getting your life back.
Mabbott |
| Lizzie |
Posted - 12/17/2007 : 04:29:41
Good Luck Wavy Soul
It made me think how I do not give much attention to my childhood as causing TMS as life always has plenty of cares to deal with in the here and now, but your part about your Dad's deathbed had similarities to my experience at 14.
One comment I do want to make is about your potrayal of the UK as overweight and alcoholic. This I think is influenced by your once a year experience of those you know and not a fair representation!
Lizzie |
| Curiosity18 |
Posted - 12/16/2007 : 21:43:55
Wavy Soul,
What an amazing realization for you! I'm so glad that you took care of yourself and got support right away. I hope you continue to be gentle with yourself through this process, particularly with everything else that is going on in your life at this time. I feel so inspired in watching you do the necessary work in this TMS journey.
My thoughts are with you,
Curiosity
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| Scottydog |
Posted - 12/16/2007 : 17:14:14
I was having some honest discussions with my younger sister recently (we are now in our 40s and 50s) and she said that she always felt we (myself and my brother who is a year younger than me) didn't like her. Which was true!! - but, I have done alot of self examining and visited a psychologist for counselling and I don't feel too guilty about it. I don't think I loved myself much and probably never have so how could I be expected to love my pesky little sister (7 years younger which is alot). We were a very undemonstrative family - no one cuddled or hugged so why would it occur to me to do that to her. Very sad, I know.
My younger brother had been the baby of the family all that time until she came along so I think he always resented that (I believe this is quite common in families).
So try to not be too hard on your sister - her problems with you are really problems with herself (and pretty serious ones from how you describe her) - and her problems are due (according to the books I have read - I am no expert) to the way she was treated by her parents (not deliberately unloving but they are a product of their own childhoods and no doubt theirs was not perfect either).
What eases my guilt with my sister is that we were a dysfunctional family and all suffered in different ways (5 siblings).
Anyway, I have got onto the Sarno bandwagon and feel quite a different person now and can understand how things went wrong in the past. My sister is partly there, I hope I can get her fully converted too so she can understand my behaviour and not carry resentment that shadows her life.(We get on great now, by the way).
Family relationships are very complex and it's difficult to explain such deep emotions in a few sentences.
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| painintheneck |
Posted - 12/16/2007 : 08:39:50
This is really an awesome post. I thank you for sharing and I am happy that you are making such headway! |
| mamaboulet |
Posted - 12/16/2007 : 07:52:12
very interesting family tale. It's a shame she has been taking her child rage out on you all these years. |
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