| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| vrampen78 |
Posted - 09/08/2007 : 23:16:07
Hi all!
So I've been have all sorts of sx's the past two weeks...they've been moving around, going away, and being replaced by new ones. If I didn't know about TMS I'd think I was going nutz! It's been almost a year since I found Sarno and put it all to practice.
Yes, I've been lazy (no journaling unless I panic about discomfort in my butt or legs), but I'd say on average I'm about 80-90% (pain-sometimes yeah a little...discomfort/annoyance-on a daily basis). So how do I get along? I give my subconscious crap or I ignore it and just keep going and ignore it. I know I would be much better ALL AROUND if I just journal and not only acknowledge these emotions, but get them out of my mind. Knowing this what have I done in the past two weeks (which have been MEGA stressful)? I've been upset, but put a smile on my face, said everything was 'fine' and just thought to myself "I'll deal with it later, I have to keep going there's alot to do".
So I reached a boiling point yesterday @ work (main source of my frustration, anxiety, and depression). I woke up with a migraine...doing the best I could to get all projects completed...one of the partners of the firm asked if I had completed a fifteen minute report (never gave a deadline on it)...told him I hadn't and I would get it to him in fifteen. He threw a hissy fit (not the first or the last...he's a completely hysterical drama queen!)...went to his office mumbling all sorts of crap, got to his office and threw things around (I could hear him in my office), came back down the hall *mumbling*, started opening & closing drawers on the printer loudly and throwing reams of paper on the counter...All this to drive the point that if he doesn't do it it will never be right and everybody is useless and can't be trusted. So after stuffing this down for a couple weeks I broke down (he went to lunch w/ the other partner and I was alone in the office) and sobbed and just rambling on and on, to myself, about how much I hate him and how much it take out of me to wake up in the morning knowing that I might have to put up with this crap and dreading the evening because I will come home and still be completely affected and obsessed about the happening of the day. Well after I was done crying and ranting my migraine went away within 5min. (Sarno talks about this with his migraines).
So ok I know I should have been doing the work during these stressful past two weeks. And I know in most cases it only takes acknowledging the rage and emotions...that I am able to explore, but I also want to make changes in the way I react to different situations. My question (AFTER THE LONG POST) is:
*How do you not let other's tantrum's affect you?
*How do you leave this stress @ work where it belongs and not bring it home? (I walk my dog w/ my mom every night and I end up talking about this jerk and what he did today...and I just keep going and going until I've realized my evening is over and all I've done is obsessed about him and his actions).
I know there's alot of you that have not only done the work and acknowledged that there is rage bottled up inside you, but also have made changes in your life. I'm trying to do this in therapy, but there's really alot of hurt, insecurity, and anger that when I try making changes in my life and things don't go perfectly when I think they should be happening I get frustrated. I just think I'd benefit from knowing others' experiences.
Thanx, guys. 
-Veronica
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| 9 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| carbar |
Posted - 09/15/2007 : 17:11:19
quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
Hey vr, I definitely understand. A lot of times it is not just about what is happening at work but how it triggers our childhood patterns, and that often our pattern is that we feel responsible for de-escalating the other person's reaction in ways we really aren't responsible for. Disentangling that can definitely take the sting out of things. I wish you luck!
It's great when you can feel that detached boundary position.
QTIP = Quit Taking It Personally
I feel those childhood triggers when I'm at my job. Last year I worked very closely with a middle aged depressed woman who reminded me SOOO much of my mom. Meanwhile, I've got a boss who is lax on actual leadership or any mentorship, kind of like the parents that raised me to be nearly self-suffient by mid-childhood. This definitely knots me up inside sometimes. Doing the emotional work of therapy has definitely been helpful in IDing these patterns. I feel like knowledge is power in these circumstances, just like it is in dealing with TMS. I know my trigger, I can step back and think "trigger" instead of having the unconscious reaction.
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| mamaboulet |
Posted - 09/12/2007 : 21:33:49
I totally understand. That's why I asked what the job means to you.
I do know that visualizing nasty jerks getting bit by lots of rattlesnakes sometimes helps me. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 09/12/2007 : 13:46:05
Hey vr, I definitely understand. A lot of times it is not just about what is happening at work but how it triggers our childhood patterns, and that often our pattern is that we feel responsible for de-escalating the other person's reaction in ways we really aren't responsible for. Disentangling that can definitely take the sting out of things. I wish you luck!
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| Penny |
Posted - 09/11/2007 : 18:40:24
quote:
Originally posted by vrampen78
*How do you not let other's tantrum's affect you?
*How do you leave this stress @ work where it belongs and not bring it home? (I walk my dog w/ my mom every night and I end up talking about this jerk and what he did today...and I just keep going and going until I've realized my evening is over and all I've done is obsessed about him and his actions).
KUDOS to YOU, Veronica!!!!!! for getting it out and ending that migraine. That's the way to do it, Girl! It's miserable, but the rage is fleeting. Getting it out and loud gives the emotion a way out of you, instead of leaving it inside to mess up your head and hurt you in the form of migraine or other TMS.
You are right about making changes in your life. This can really help clear your mind and give you some mental room from this jerk. Sounds to me like you need a plan of action. Either decide there will be a list of things you do to make sure you get your emotions out (within fair reason of time, so it doesn't take up your entire time away from work)
OR
you need to have a plan to find a new job.
People can be such bleepers!!!! I'm sorry this happened to you. Sounds like this jerk now thinks he can continue to treat you badly and get a way with it. I'm also betting that this isn't the 1st relationship where someone has walked all over while you try to be graceful and hold the peace. I'm learning this lesson myself right now: How to defend myself without stooping to their level of disgrace.
I think the starting place is acknowledging that they are the ones grossly mistaken, but that the solution lies inside you NOT them. They won't change, but WE must!!!! We have to learn to protect ourselves from such bullies.
Hold you own and look out for YOU.
>|< Penny
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| vrampen78 |
Posted - 09/11/2007 : 18:24:44
Hi guys!
Thanks so much for your replies. I'm feeling alot better...I guess that's what ignoring rather than feeding the sx's does. I was so glad to get your replies and hadn't had a chance to reply.
I did have therapy last night and talked about the just quitting a job that stresses me out, dealing with the underlying issues about the way my bosses actions make me react, and working on having boundaries and knowing that I'm not in charge of taking on others' tantrums or problems.
I have made a decision about the firm I'm at...I'm here, I'm dedicated to my career and this is where I want to get my accounting experience and CPA license. To me quitting is not the answer because I'm going to find jerks everywhere...if I continue to run away everytime I encounter a jerk I'm going to be running for the rest of my life. What I want is have the proper tools to be able to stand up for myself and realize when I'm having an emotional reaction to an underlying issue from childhood and know that I do not need to take on everyone's problems & tantrums. MamaB I don't want you to think I'm criticizing your suggestion AT ALL, but rather I just want to explain in this situation why quitting is not for me. I know how tempting it is to run when things aren't going great...I've done it...but in my experience I come from someone that quit...my father...he left us when I was 1. Also, being without a job would create much more stress in my life than I need...let me try to explain...I come from a humble background...I had to see my mom struggle and do without so I could have the best and not go without (she would put off new shoes for work so I could have cute stuff to show off @ private school with the girls I hung out with so they would never treat me as less because I didn't have money) and early on I was enlisted as my mother's "bookkeeper" (in 7th grade actually) so because of this I promised myself I wouldn't (purposely) put myself in a situation where I didn't have enough. Yeah this is a huge pressure in my life, but being without a job all of a sudden would create so much stress, anger & depression. All of this sounds horrible, I know, but I have been without...during college I had to go without and I did it I know I can go without if something happened and I had no money, but now I'm out of college and I'm dedicated to my career and my personal growth.
Armchairlinguist, I have to admit I was hoping you would reply because of all the emotional work you've done and posted about. I'm trying not to beat up on myself. You're right about it being difficult my therapist told me that last night and that it will take work because I have to set the boundary when somebody does this to me and know what that it is not mine to take on how the other person behaves. I mean there are certainly triggers left over from childhood to why I react to his outbursts.
Maryalma, I do definitely need to learn to set up those boundaries and yes, when I'm more comfortable with it I will talk to him about it. He needs to hear it from somebody...he does this to the other partner and to clients too!
Art, don't I know it! The world is full of jerks...I just need to learn how to stand up to them.
-Veronica  |
| art |
Posted - 09/10/2007 : 09:41:38
The world is full of jerks. I think it was Abraham Lincoln who said the best way to test a man's character was to give him a little power.
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| marytabby |
Posted - 09/10/2007 : 07:20:44
In one of Sarno's books and in another TMS type book I read by someone else (can't remember which author) stress at work is rated very high on the list, and there are anectodal paragraphs about people who left their job and the pain literally banished completely. Work stress is one of the hard ones to master because it's a 5 day a week schedule for most. How do you give up the good pay and benefits, etc.
I know my job puts anxiety in my life, but it's not RULING my life.
I have gotten better at just letting the small stuff go, but it sounds like this guy you work with is a real time bomb. Could you have a private chat with him and let him know you're not comfortable with these kinds of interactions, and see what you both can do to improve things? |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 09/09/2007 : 23:07:36
I was having some work issues and I asked my therapist this, how to leave my work stress at work. And she said that actually it's very hard when there is a genuine interpersonal issue to leave it at work, because we are affected at a much deeper level than just 'work stress' itself, like deadlines or something. So don't feel too bad you have a hard time.
For a strategy, maybe you could give yourself 30 mins of journaling to rant about him, and then try to think about other stuff for the rest of the evening?
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| mamaboulet |
Posted - 09/09/2007 : 06:18:57
Do you like your job? I mean REALLY like it. Not, "I would like my job a LOT if that guy weren't there," but "Even with that jerk, I still love my job."
I'm just wondering. Sometimes I see people in so much pain from an OUTSIDE source that I wonder if they have considered just walking away.
This is on my mind because my husband and I had to do just that. Walk away from what would have been a dream job, because of a person who was part of the job.
We first tried to stay, because giving up involved another huge, expensive move, months of chaos and instability, depression over walking away from something we loved, giving up all our new friends, and putting me back into an uninspired job market (I'm still unemployed, while my husband is happily ensconced in a job that DOESN'T make him crazy).
So back to my original question. Does the job make your life miserable on at least one level (for example, that guy will not be leaving and he will always be working with you) or is it a temporary misery based on a particular project?
Just something to think about. Most people are used to just "dealing" with the stress, and often leave out the option to REMOVE the stress.
Having just recently discovered this TMS stuff and Dr Sarno, I'm focusing on both the psychological work of talking to my brain, and the "out there in the world" work of making my life a less stressful place to be, which for me includes being unemployed as long as it takes to find a job that provides me with more pleasure than anxiety.
Life is too short to drink cheap wine or stay in miserable jobs. |
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