| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Penny |
Posted - 06/10/2007 : 15:38:23
As appeared in Spirituality & Health Nov/Dec 2006
Creating Win-Win Relationships
Pam Burns-Clair
Codependency is giving to others at our expense. Selfishness is taking at another's expense. Self-care is giving that uplifts us -- and often requires the witnessing of a group.
Sometimes it's when the kids come along: "I can't take care of two kids plus you, my partner." Sometimes it's discovering the blind spot in the marriage: "I landed that account I'd chased for five months, and all she could say was, 'You forgot to take out the garbage.'" Sometimes it's a health crisis: "I was coming home from my lumpectomy, I called him to tell him it went okay, and he wanted to know what's for dinner!" Sometimes it's middle age: "When is it my turn? I need a change!" We have an epiphany and realize that we left ourselves out of the equation. We may need space a separate bedroom, weekends away, if not our own apartment for awhile to silence the inner voices of self-doubt and censorship, to value and redefine our needs and sense of self. Paradoxically, to take the space we need, we often need a group of witnesses to whom we can voice, and thereby learn, what we need. We need watchdogs to stick up for us and censor our tendency to defer, accommodate, and deny ourselves.
Sarah, in one of my women's support groups, recognizes that she gave too much power to her new beau. The group listens intently over several months as she reports that he doesn't contribute his share of the rent or domestic duties, and his excessive drinking alternating with meditation is driving her crazy. Three of the other group members were divorced after similarly abdicating their power. "Sarah, have you come to a decision in your relationship?" asks one, after Sarah reports that her significant other is back from an extended trip abroad and that she'd found his absence quite peaceful. I recognize this as a watchdog question from a woman who doesn't want to see her group sister make the same mistake she's made.
"There's no decision to be made," Sarah responds. "He's getting involved with a spiritual community up north. I feel some assurance now that he'll have somewhere else to go maybe he'll just move on."
We recognize it would be easier for Sarah if her partner simply leaves, but sometimes we need to take back our power. When we tell &151; our truth, it often becomes obvious what actions we must take. And to take them, we may need loving watchdogs to hold us accountable to our newfound principles and best interests. Sticking up for ourselves is a task for our inner or outer watchdogs.
Do you identify with any of the above? Check by answering these questions:
Is anyone pressuring me to sell out, put up, or sacrifice my own truth for his or her benefit?
Am I hoping someone else will second-guess my needs and take care of me, sparing me from the discomfort of having to assert myself?
Am I afraid I'll disappoint others or evoke disapproval if I stand up for myself?
If you've answered yes to any of the above:
Consider what baby steps you can take to shift things in your favor.
Identify the payoffs of behaving the way you really are.
Consider who might cheer you on and hold you accountable to your goals. (See box, Sources for Reliable Watchdogs, below.)
Redefining
With a microscope, journal, or group at hand, we need to explore our childhood adaptations that may now be getting us in trouble:
Have I played the good girl or bad boy too long, never standing up for myself or admitting my vulnerability?
Have I internalized the criticism and put-downs I received growing up, and do I now inflict them on myself, sabotaging my best interests?
First, we must see that our adapted, reactive self no longer works. Then we can try to behave more authentically. For instance, it can be monumental to choose which movie we want to see instead of going along with our dominant partner, or to say to the supervisor, "I'm not willing to work the event unless I get a comp day or overtime," or to say to our siblings, "I need help looking after Mom can you pick a weekend to give me a break?" or to tell a spouse, "I'm not Superman; I can't be everything you want; I'm scared." We can expect resistance at first but we need to trust that eventually there will be a payoff for others as well as ourselves when we participate in our relationships refreshed, present, and willing.
As we transform our lives, we must also attend to our triggers experiences or feelings that make us act out and choose healthier behaviors. Amanda, for example, has begun to choose from a selection of healthy teas in the evening when she formerly drank wine self-destructively. Jack, unemployed, has set himself a curfew with his email and Internet addiction, and he goes for a ride on his bike instead of frittering away the morning in chat rooms.
The Balance of Authenticity
Many of us have not been raised to take care of ourselves, let alone another person. It is ingrained in our psyches that taking is selfish and bad. Yet we fear codependency, which I define as giving to others at our expense. The goal is self-care giving that uplifts us which is a winwin. To achieve this balance, we must endure difficult feelings. Some people will think us selfish when we pull back and they have something to lose. There will be our own inner backlash of "shoulds" and guilt that are programmed but perhaps not serving us well. We may feel alone, afraid of letting go of the familiar. But bringing things into balance is always worth it.
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Sources for Reliable Watchdogs
The best support is through local in-person groups where members come to expect or look forward to your presence. In addition to the resources below, try churches, hospitals, or health centers. Most support groups have a theme focus and are time-limited.
12-Step Programs Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Alanon, allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm for CODA groups, and cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/links/links.html for Adult Children of Alcoholics. These programs are in most communities and are free. They are facilitated by veteran volunteers, not professional counselors. A code of ethics includes respecting confidentiality of content shared at meetings.
Veterans Groups Check local Veterans Administration chapters. These are a powerful source of support for those who have military backgrounds.
ONLINE SUPPORT
http://thepathway.org, Laurel Mellin's "Solution" see S&H Spring 2000, SpiritualityHealth.com/Solution for more information.
first30days.com/index.do, for help with new change
cherylrichardson.com/community/index.htm, "Life Makeover Groups"
webmd.com, for health/medical issues support
For Men Only newwarrior.com
For Women Only womanwithin.org
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Pam Burns-Clair is writing a book on this topic, based on her 25 years as a psychotherapist specializing in women's issues in private practice in Napa, California. She is married and has two daughters.
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| 1 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| LadyBug |
Posted - 06/10/2007 : 19:40:14
Penny - Thanks for posting this. All valid and points that need to be remembered. They are all to easily lost in day to day life. And probably how most of us got here!
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished |
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