| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| kevin t |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 20:03:53
Hi people,
Its been a while since Ive posted anything, a few months I think. I was doing ok with TMS for a while, but now its back. I recently applied for a new job with the city. Right after, I noticed that I started getting pain again. Its very broad too, all down my legs, in my buttocks, my heels, my feet. On top of that, I met this great woman. Trouble is, after meeting her and spending the night with her, my TMS came on stronger. She said how happy she was to meet me, and said the same to her. We connected INSTANTLY. Eventually though she got curious about my life, and thats when I became guarded. Ive had to hide the truth about my life so much, the failures, the chronic pain, the loss of work due to that pain, the "truth" of my life, etc.
She said she would be understanding, but i didnt budge. I just told her, " Im just going through things that I cant explain". That seems to be my default answer now. I live like a ghost and hide my reality. So I woke up today thinking about how great it would be to hang out with her more, and when I thought about my life overwhelming guilt came over me, like I was just a loser with chronic pain and I should just let her go. That been my experience with every woman for 4 years.
I thought that meeting a good woman like this would maybe "help" with the pain.....I was wrong. It only makes me feel more like a "spotlight" is on my life, and the TMS is increasing. Im one of those TMSers that need to constantly work at this. This is not easy for me. I really really want the pain gone for good. It is seriously taking everything enjoyable from me and it feels like the heaviest cross to bare.
K.T. |
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Victoria008 |
Posted - 03/03/2007 : 16:18:40
Kevin, your post really hit me. It's like 3 years ago my body betrayed me and changed who I was. I used to be very active and busy and "strong". People called me a "hard worker". I never wanted to rely on anyone. I had said more that once "I get by on the strength of my back". So here I am, waylaid by pain. Suddenly I am spending the evenings on the couch with a hotpad. And I don't want anyone to notice! After going to the Dr a few times, what am I to tell people? I made excuses, I hid most of what was going on. I withdrew. I broke up with my fiance 3 years ago, coinciding with the onset of pain. And the pain has been mysterious, changing, hard to describe, explain, unrelated to each other. And not just pain, but neurological symptoms, anxiety symptoms, pretty much most of what you might find in a good medical book!! Lately I have been thinking about my state of singlehood, I have never been very long without a mate. But the thought of it.... I guess I think I will start looking when this TMS is completely cured and then I will put it behind me, hide it away and never tell a prospective mate. I'm sure I would be very uncomfortable dating right now, as I still have quite a few symptoms. As I write this I realize it is not a very good attitude, and that part of my inner rage is all this secretiveness. Like being ashamed of having any weakness, of needing anyone for anything. It is good that you were able to share what you were feeling, that's what this forum is for.
Victoria |
| EileenTM |
Posted - 02/26/2007 : 13:55:27
Alexis, I have had similar thoughts as yours. My career has been so different than most people's and it worried me. First, I have a Masters degree in a foreign language, but did not teach. In fact they would not let me into the doctoral program because even though I had the grades they did not think I was "committed enough". Then I stumbled into various kinds of marketing and consulting. They were interesting and paid the bills, but not all consumming. About ten years ago I went parttime which was good since it left me more time for my hobbies. So now that I am in my 50s I no longer feel guilty about not devoting all to my career. I have just started to look at my whole life and see that I have many satisfying things in addition to work. Maybe for me this is just the way it is meant to be. |
| mizlorinj |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 12:54:10
Kevin, I used to have a critical inner voice and it is very difficult to change it to a nurturing one. But I've come a long way and instead of berating myself or dwelling on past mistakes, realize it is time to heal those past hurts and accept that I cannot change the past, BUT I can shape my present and future. That is comforting. I've learned to be loving with myself. I catch once in awhile "how did you forget that" or something similar, but calmly tell myself "you are not perfect and you don't have to be. Do better next time." Having a nurturing inner voice is so important to our health and well-being. 
Best wishes,
-L |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 02/23/2007 : 08:02:49
Kevin T
Meeting a good woman may actually make the pain worse if you don't think you deserve her, due to the fact of her being so good and your fear of losing her. The source of the problem is within yourself and not due to external factors. The thinking of "if I change this or that about my current circumstance then the pain will subside," is only fooling yourself. By way of illustration let me tell you a small story.
A man decides to go live in a cave and meditate as we was tired of the noise and movement of the city. It was all getting on his nerves and he felt the quiet of the cave would finally relax him.
A few days later he emerged from the cave is he found the sound of dripping water was driving him crazy!
The moral of the story: "Where ever you go, there you are."
Ponder over it and you will see the truth of that statement.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| h2oskier25 |
Posted - 02/23/2007 : 07:52:02
YES YOU ARE winning this battle.
Hang in there. We are all here to support you. Look, I became a slave to fear and disability, too. I know how scary it can be, and how scared you can be that it will all come back.
Know that fear of living life the way we really want to is a big one. It means admitting we're not really happy doing what we're doing, and that was a big one for me.
I'm very concerned about your negative self talk. I wonder what's behind that. I hope you see Dr. Schecter, and he sends you to Dr. Dubin. I've had phone consultations with him before, and he's certainly well versed with the whole TMS process.
Hang in there, Kevin. You are winning.
Beth |
| kevin t |
Posted - 02/23/2007 : 07:04:38
This is the most insane creating thing about TMS that I have figured...... TMS is pain in reaction to suppressed rage,emotions, etc. But when the pain got to be too much to take like it did me, I was crippled by it. I mean, in my flareups it was almost everywhere, like what you hear in severe Fibro cases. But the pain causes you to fall into a lifestyle.... a lifestyle that you would have never wished for or hoped for if it was up to you. And so you go years with pain, its always there, always a factor. It ends up being so big that it subconsciously dictates EVERY part of your thinking. Every possible move, every possible relationship, every job offer, every long drive, every hello, and every goodbye.
After years of this, the rage that builds up inside becomes enormous. But myself, being a person that was very violent in my younger years, become the exact opposite. Through the years I became more and more the guy that stifled my feelings, and thought that "complaining" or being honest about my feelings was "wrong". So the thoughts about my pain and my life went inward. If you only realized how I berate myself in my mind all day.I probably say negative things to myself HUNDREDS of times all day. And its not normal negative. These things are truly spiteful and vicious. I never understood the concept of self hatred until recently. It is clinically the type of self hatred that would make most people become murderers or have some other anti social behavior. For me though, its just more inward, as I have no want to hurt anyone for my own feelings. Instead, I bash myself continuously. It never stops and I can literally FEEL my heart and body getting sick from the constant negative noise.
Yes , I am very hard on myself. This is only because of what I feel Ive allowed myself to become, which to me is some sorry excuse for a man, and a shadow of anything I had hoped for. Its only because I had such high hopes for my life that the anger is so deep. But I notice that most of my failures or life issues all stem around pain or the feeling of "disability". I remember all too well the feelings of electricity traveling down my legs to both feet, the pulsing feelings in my crotch, the stinging like I had fire in my nerves and I was standing in Lava. I remember all the meds I took just to be able to sleep, how I felt "lucky" if I could just lay down in a position that didnt feel like I had water running down my thighs. These things were very real, and the toughest of men would do anything to avoid this. So this is what I have become, a scared prisoner of a possibility this will happen again.
Its like I was a prisoner of war being tortured by needles and electricity for weeks or months. The sad part is though , that I have not found many "TMS" people on this board that can relate. Many seem to have pain in certain parts only, so telling my story again makes me feel like an outsider, but whatever. So now again, I will have to look at the biggest fear in my life and challenge it. Somehoe, I dont think I'm winning this battle. |
| carbar |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 17:49:24
Kevin T wrote:quote:
There is a part of chronic pain that doesn't get talked about much, and that is the social implications. Jobs, living situations, money, self esteem, feeling like you're limited, impatient, secretive, etc. Chronic pain can turn you into a YOU that YOU don't recognize. After years of it, you become this character that fits into a TMS hole, and that is hard to get out of itself.
Wow, this really says it well, Kevin. Fortunately for those of us on the board, we have a way of regaining a positive and active self. We realize what is the cause of the pain that we had labeled chronic, and we can begin to see a change in the cycle of despair about how pain has been holding us back. Just remember, you are not "disabled", you are not in chronic pain NOW.
Congrats on meeting someone that you really care about. I agree with those who are encouraging you to talk to her about your experience. Sometimes in these cases, I ask myself, what's the worst thing that can happen?
Just a thought...I'm about 1 year into recovering from TMS. I find it hard to explain to recent acquaintances things like, why I love music and playing instruments, but I didn't play anything seriously for the past 5 years and I'm just now getting back into it. I think it's easy for us to dwell in the time lost to living in pain, rather than focus on all we can do NOW. that's a loop in my thinking that I have to really be conscious of in order to break it. I wonder if you are feeling something similar?
regards,
carbar
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| shawnsmith |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 14:03:03
BTW, Dr. Schechter set up a TMS mentor program to connect patients with successful tms patients in recovery. He finds this to be very helpful.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 11:09:05
Yep, sounds like "positive stress" setting off TMS to me. If that happened to me I'd want to sit down and journal about all the potential negatives that the positives bring up, which for me would heavily involve worries about failure and not being good enough. It sounds like it might be the same for you. You sound like you are being quite hard on yourself, thinking you are not good enough for a person and so on. Remember, this is very enraging to the unconscious, which hates to be criticized, even by ourselves (maybe especially by ourselves) and by itself could be enough to cause a flareup, I'd imagine. You are putting your own "spotlight" on your life by assessing everything and worrying about how others will see it.
I think Beth's advice is right on for how to deal with telling her. It's something painful you haven't yet come to terms with But you will and then you'll be able to share. I am private about my history of chronic pain, but I don't mind sharing it with those I know well because I feel like the experience I went through made me a stronger and wiser person. Hopefully you will feel that way eventually too.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| h2oskier25 |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 06:53:09
I wouldn't be so quick to write off Dr. Schechter. I'm thinking he'll steer you to Dr. Don Dubin, who has helped a lot of people on this board.
Kevin, don't wait until you're "ready" with this woman. Really. You deserve happiness now, and the "perfect pleaser" in you wants this woman to like everything about you, and has convinced you that she won't like this. Don't buy it!
For all you know, she's fascinated about how the mind works, and how it can force changes in our body that we can't ignore.
Remember, ANYTIME you get a new job, it's natural for the gremlins to pop up again. They popped up with me big time, and the job was such a step up, and positive all around. If it wasn't for the new job with me, I would never have cured TMS completely, as I was still limiting my activities before that. Because TMS cropped up so bad, I had to really do more work and seek the cure.
Hanging out with her is just what you need right now. If you insist on being uneasy about your past, tell her you've been through some painful experiences that you'd rather not talk about just yet, but that you'll share down the line when you're ready. Women are sensitive. She'll understand.
Beth |
| DitaH |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 06:30:11
good luck kevin!
I find that, because my wife (been married for about a year) is such a beautiful intelligent creature I get nervous around her and try to act the tough guy etc, all this is starting to melt away as I admit to her more and more what's on my mind, about how often it is when she's talking to me I'm thinking about some insecurity or whatever. She's great, she says she likes the sensitive side of me and always understands when i explain to her the paranoid feelings I have. In fact, we all have them, every single human being!
I think if this lady you've met truly is wonderful (and she sounds it so far) she will accept all the parts of you, your worries and your happiness, everything! If not, she's maybe not the right person... But i bet she will . go for it!
Best,
Andrew
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| wrldtrv |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 23:49:13
Kevin--DO NOT SEE DR SCHECHTER! Sorry to be so emphatic, but I'm basing this on the recent scary posts on this so-called "TMS doctor." Do a search. |
| kevin t |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 21:46:29
I think my last post came out wrong......
I have money, and I work, just not steadily these days. It comes as I take it, a little here, a little there. And yes, saying "hey theres things I cant explain right now" CAN sound creepy, but it was understood that it wasn't something major like bodies in the basement,lol. Its just that I haven't met a woman that I actually LIKED for some time. Yeah Ive met many, but they were just one night flings at best, or they weren't interesting enough for me to give a rats ass . Its just bizarre to meet a woman you really dig and have to tell them about all the "issues" that come with being a person in chronic pain, or how you are "disabled" in that way. I feel like not answering the phone if she calls, or just resigning from the whole thing until I'm "ready".
There is a part of chronic pain that doesn't get talked about much, and that is the social implications. Jobs, living situations, money, self esteem, feeling like you're limited, impatient, secretive, etc. Chronic pain can turn you into a YOU that YOU don't recognize. After years of it, you become this character that fits into a TMS hole, and that is hard to get out of itself.
I think I may need to seek someone like a Dr Schecter since he is close to where I live. I'll see. |
| weatherman |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 21:27:45
Just say you're a consultant. That's what I am, and even when I'm not working it sounds respectable!
Weatherman |
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