| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| optimism |
Posted - 01/02/2007 : 15:59:51
I discovered recently that the main emotion I have supressed is - FEAR. This was very suprising since I always believed that I am not a fearful person.
After long analizing I realized that I am stuck in the current job because:
- I have the fear of making the mistake (chosing the wrong career again, If I will be bored again)
- I have the fear of failure (will I be able to find a job)
Also, I want to change the city I live, but I am afraid:
- If that will be the right choice, what if I make the mistake (I have two small children and moving will mean making some big changes)
Also, I am afraid how will I handle being alone with the kids, will I be bored, will I be able to handle everything, be patient etc.
So, my main emotion is FEAR. I am not sure what to do now? Trying to feel it does not work every time. I cover it by eating? Any suggestions, how to get out of this circle?
Thanks
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| 17 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| bluewater |
Posted - 01/15/2007 : 07:18:43
Thanks Julie you have hit the nail on the head for me. The super parent stydrome for me has taken over. I am like that with everything though, a huge drive to be the best at everything with failure not being an option. I am new to all of this Sarno stuff and my anxiety has really gotten worse since I have attempted to do the work. When he says you have repressed feelings of anger toward your child (as well as others you are not supposed to show), I don't know about you, but I get scared when I think about that. To me you shouldn't have those feelings and I guess that is where I start to get nervous. I have not had problems with anxiety for a long time until I started this work. The pain has gotten some better but the anxiety has gotten much worse. Thank you for your response and your support. I just wanted you to know that I would never hurt my child. If anything he needs more discipline and I do not give it because of my own history. I too have a great husband who is a big support for me, so I am luck there. Thank you again |
| Littlebird |
Posted - 01/14/2007 : 20:40:36
Hi Julie, parenthood has been a big part of the TMS for me. I also had a desire to provide a much better childhood for my son and step-children than what I had. I put a lot of pressure on myself, got angry at myself and at anyone else who interfered with my efforts.
You're so right that parenthood can stir the childhood issues we thought we'd left behind and also that our kids may not appreciate our efforts to be what we think of as a perfect parent. The main thing seems to be that they get to feel secure, knowing that we will consistently love and support them, but not coddle them. It's a challenging balance at times.
It's nice to hear your experiences and views.
Corey |
| NW Julie |
Posted - 01/14/2007 : 20:26:34
bluewater, i do so understand everything you are saying - been there, am still there. as i said, just by checking in with all those feelings, you are doing your best as a parent. i didn't mean to come across as too clinical or to presume you were abusive in any way...you just sounded as though you were really struggling as a parent right now. i didn't want you to feel alone or that there was anything wrong with seeking help. i myself came to a point when i needed to ask for help though it was not in my nature and i realize i should have asked for it long before that time.
there is a great misconception that just because we can give birth, we know how to adeptly handle all the challenges parenting brings and then simultaneously deal with our own issues, past and present. i don't know about you, but it wasn't until i had children of my own that i was finally able to deal with my childhood - it was as though the flood gates were opened by all that i felt for my own children. and then the superparent syndrome set in - trying to be all for my children that no one had been for me..you're right, this does create huge pressure and in the end it seems it doesn't do our children any good. as i said before, it is my greatest hope that my children will benefit not from my being the "perfect" mom but a quirky, flawed mom who always did her best to take care of herself mentally and physically so that she could best care for her children.
naturally, this all ties into tms...anxiety, worry. how many times have i rushed to the doctor or even the emergency room with significant symptoms compounded by the worry of what would happen to my children if i were to become seriously ill? this despite the fact that i have a loving husband who couldn't be a better father? for me personally, i feel parenting adds yet another dimension of complexity to my tms and am curious if there are other parents out there who feel the same? so, again, i'm sorry if i overreacted - just concerned......
peace, julie |
| bluewater |
Posted - 01/14/2007 : 17:45:45
Julie, thank you for responding. When I say that I have fears with regard to my son, it comes with regards to fear that I am not doing the right things. I grew up in a very violent household and my anxiety stems from that. I put so much pressure on my self to be the perfect parent that I have created a pressure cooker of anxiety for myself. I would not even let anyone raise there voice around him as an infant even in a joking manner for fear that he would be affected. and when I say discipline I mean should I correct him for his wild rowdy spells or am I squasing his spirit. I second quessmyself all of the time. I do not mean physically hurting him, sorry if it came across that way. I swore to my self that my son would have a wonderful home life and I have strived as hard as I can to make that possible. That is where I have come to realize my fears and anxiety comes from and maybe even anger, that I am not doing a good enough job for him. Thank you |
| NW Julie |
Posted - 01/12/2007 : 21:53:25
mostly in response to bluewater, i have two children and experienced debilitating anxiety after the birth of both girls. fortunately, these bouts lasted only 3 weeks almost to the day so most likely some sort of hormonal trigger. all i can say is that the well being of your child is of primary concern. i don't know your child but don't assume your child has similar traits to your own. we can unwittingly place our children in emotional bondage to our own fears and then project those emotions on to them. parenting while struggling with our own demons must be the hardest job there is.
my own opinion would be to seek professional help on many levels - therapist, m.d. (check hormone levels etc., even return to the land of antidepressants for a short time to help you get back on track if need be), enlist the support of friends and family when you are overwhelmed (even more so if you are a single mom). i believe if you can start to get outside of your head by surrounding yourself with good books(many listed here on this post), trusted professionals and social support, you can get yourself back on track as a stable mom. remember, even us "stable " moms are not perfect but when you truly feel that your fears are out of control to the point you question your disciplinary techniques, i would seek immediately help. our children will judge us not by our weaknesses but how we handled them.
a few books i found extremely helpful as a mom with young ones: the blue jay's dance by louise erdrich, operating instructions by anne lamott, the anxiety and phobia workbook by edmond bourne, and full catastrophe living by john kabat-zinn.
i hope some of this is helpful. like i said, being a mother brings a whole new dimension to being an individual dealing with tms. you are also caring for the little spirit in your charge and it sounds like your awareness of your fears is a wonderful step in the right direction. best wishes.... |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 01/12/2007 : 20:31:44
quote:
Originally posted by optimism
After long analizing I realized that I am stuck in the current job because:
- I have the fear of making the mistake (chosing the wrong career again, If I will be bored again)
- I have the fear of failure (will I be able to find a job)
Also, I want to change the city I live, but I am afraid:
- If that will be the right choice, what if I make the mistake (I have two small children and moving will mean making some big changes)
Also, I am afraid how will I handle being alone with the kids, will I be bored, will I be able to handle everything, be patient etc.
Questions:
What is failure?
What is success?
What constitutes the "right choice"?
What constitutes a "mistake"?
How do you know what will happen in the future? You don't know, regardless of what choice you make?
In responce to the last question, you will not know until it happens.
You are a classic TMS worrier!
Shawn
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| Littlebird |
Posted - 01/12/2007 : 19:59:28
quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
Getting to the anger gets my focus off what could go wrong, and puts it on my own issue with the situation, and creates emotional power that chases away the fear.
I think anxiety tries to protect us both from the more "unmanageable" true fear, and from the "scarier" true anger. So getting to either can short-circuit it.
--
This is so helpful! Thanks for posting it; it says exactly what I know I need to do when I'm anxious, but don't always do right away. So I'm going to remember that phrase "creates emotional power." |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 01/12/2007 : 10:34:45
I have had an interesting experience with fear recently. I suffered from anxiety episodes (not severe enough IMO to be called panic attacks) for many years, where I would wake up at night, or be falling asleep or otherwise letting go a bit, and I would start to be very anxious about an upcoming event or ongoing issue. Recently, I found that there are only two effective ways for me to stop one of these:
1) Try to experience actual FEAR about the situation instead of just running through anxious thoughts over and over;
2) Try to experience ANGER about the situation or things related to it.
Both of these stop the "anxiety" part and help me get to things that are underlying it -- fear of failure, fear of losing a person/thing/position, anger about the situation or toward a person causing it.
Allowing the fear to move through is very powerful for me because it helps me not be afraid of being afraid. In the future if I am fearful, I will have an easier time experiencing that fear, because I'm not afraid I'll fall totally apart.
Getting to the anger gets my focus off what could go wrong, and puts it on my own issue with the situation, and creates emotional power that chases away the fear.
I think anxiety tries to protect us both from the more "unmanageable" true fear, and from the "scarier" true anger. So getting to either can short-circuit it.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| miehnesor |
Posted - 01/11/2007 : 21:25:13
I used to think my main TMS repressed emotion was fear but what I later realized is that the fear and the panic attack was just a messenger of the proximity of repressed rage. The rage was actually the main TMS triggering emotion.
I throw this out because I really view fear and panic attacks as an opportunity to purge the rage from my body and get through the fear of it. This has been highly effective because this is function of the symptoms to keep that rage from comming to consciousness.
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| bluewater |
Posted - 01/11/2007 : 08:44:44
I am so glad this post was placed here. I am new to the board (I have one other post), but I too think fear is my biggest problem. I am just starting to understand this though. I suffered a terrible bout with post partum depression but I thik it was really just a HUGE case of overblown anxiety that I couldn't stop. I couldn't sleep, eat or think except about the fear that something was going to happen to him or that I would hurt him or that I would not be a good parent or that things wouldn't be just right for him. I went to a psyc. and she told me I had lost my confidence and i think she was right. I went the antidepressant route and the anxiety and pain got better. I stopped that about a year ago and I mean I have been in terrible pain since (the lovely fibro diagnosis I have had since 21). I think it masked the fear and anxiety and therefore masked the pain. I have trouble now with both but I refuse to go back to the zombie world of AD. Me son is now 3 and I think that is the biggest source of my anxiety and fear. He is one of those children that they call hard to raise, never sleeps always enough energy for 3 kids. I feel guilty about everything realted to him like how he tests my patience or disciplining him to harshly, but I just can't seem to put his behind me. Any help with this would be appreciated. I know a lot of people here have children and a lot of them are already grown. I think my biggest problem is that he shows a lot of tendencies to be like me and the thought of that makes me sick. Thank you for helping you are a nice group of people. I feel like I get help here not like other sites. Thanks |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 01/11/2007 : 07:17:27
Fear is big with TMS and feelings of inadaquecy.
I have uncovered shame under my feelings of fear and inaquecy. Ask yourself why do I have feal, why can't I fail, make a mistake. I believe it's shame, most likely carried down from your parents. Your carrying all this pressure on you, and your not alllowed to be human, to make a mistake,etc. Are you a perfectionist? Are you afraid if you mess up, no one will love you, care about you, etc.? Is love based on conditions, are you afraid of letting others down?
I really had to uncover these things to make TMS seem real to me, to make it work. I would say I was at 9-10, with burning pain in my back, butt, legs and feet, now, it's 1-2. There's just something about seeking the truth that makes this pains cover blown. If you want, Healing The Shame That Binds You, is by far the best book I have read that gave me the most insight. It was written by John Bradshaw if your interested. |
| randolo |
Posted - 01/10/2007 : 22:55:44
Fear is also my main repressed emotion. I highly recommend Embracing Fear by Thom Rutledge. Like the other posts mentioned it helps you treat your fear as just a voice expressing an opinion, not the truth. It helps you acknowledge your fear and accept it, rather than repress it, but then go ahead and live a good life anyway. Don't expect to make your fear go away, just try to change your relationship with it. Good luck.
Randolo |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 01/04/2007 : 09:52:04
Fascinating topic and posts..I have heard fear called "False Evidence Appearing Real.." I think there is alot of truth to that..I had to walk through my fear of change by picking up and coming to NYC..But my situation is very complicated and I am still in some fear about it..I loved what LittleBird wrote, very insightful! :) |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 01/04/2007 : 07:24:47
Vicky, see thread on "New Anxiety Attacks". |
| vnwees |
Posted - 01/04/2007 : 06:39:23
My experience is that fear/rage often, if not always, go together. Right now, I've got a headache. Not the "tension headache" one gets after a stressful day but rather the OH MY GOD IT'S ALL COMING BACK AGAIN! I'M GOING TO GET THESE BLINDING HEADACHES AGAIN...IT'S NOT OVER LIKE I THOUGHT...I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My sane, successfully recovering self is trying to say, don't worry, just a flare-up, it'll pass, you've conquered this and so much more already, hang in there, etc. The terrified, enraged part of me is huge right now, which is why I'm on this site and hoping for help/encouragement. I'm trying to take back control. Tell my brain I'm in charge, that we're not going to do this. I know what's going on...an effort to distract me from my repressed rage (and fear?). My hearts pounding away, I feel anxious...all those things that distract/consume me. So, I'm trying to reverse the whole thing. I am so ANGRY this and other recent flareups are happening. I'm so fearful it's all starting up again. The good news is I am aware of this stuff, but the anger/fear thing is terrifying! Any thoughts out there? Vicki |
| sonora sky |
Posted - 01/03/2007 : 10:02:59
hi optimism,
I personally believe that fear is at the bottom/core of TMS. I've also recently realized that fear is what keeps me in distress, keeps me paralyzed, so to speak. Have you read Susan Jeffers' "Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway"? I've found this quite helpful in getting to the root of my fears.
Also helpful has been realizing that we do not have to identify with or be ruled by our own minds and thoughts (what Eckhart Tolle calls the ego, which seems differnt than Freud's/Sarno's definition of the ego). I felt like I was a prisoner of this constant stream of thoughts in my mind that kept telling me to be fearful. To recognize that these thoughts are just passing thoughts and not automatically accept them as truths or beliefs is difficult (since we are so used to the mantra), but by becoming more of an outside observer to these thoughts instead of immediately identifying with them can be liberating.
best,
ss |
| Littlebird |
Posted - 01/02/2007 : 20:19:49
Hi Optimism,
I like your screen name. I'm a little confused about your comment that you can't always feel your fear, so I'm not sure if my comments will apply at all. If they don't, just ignore them.
Are you saying that suppressed fear is causing you pain or are you saying that you need to feel the fear in order to overcome it and make changes in your life?
Fear of change seems to be very common to many people. We get comfortable with knowing what to expect, even if we aren't really content with what we're doing. Have you decided what kind of work you'd like to change to? When you mention being at home with the kids, does that mean you're thinking of working from home?
Using food to suppress our emotions can be kind of a vicious cycle, I know. I have done that before, and have family members and friends who've also done it. We feel better for a few moments while we're eating, but the distraction and/or pleasure that comes from eating stops as soon as we stop eating, and then we usually feel even worse, because avoiding the situation that is causing us fear or anxiety doesn't help and all we've done is increase our body size and maybe damage our health. Do you journal? I've read some books about emotional eating, and one of the suggestions is journaling to deal with the emotions, rather than eating to cover them. So it really fits well with the TMS training to use a journal to deal with emotions. It's been a good way for me to learn to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, rather than trying to escape them through food or other distractions.
Even though you are realizing that you have suppressed fear, under the fear there is probably also anger--anger that you don't like your career and that your life is not the way you'd like it to be. Anger that you need to take scary risks if you're going to change your life.
I have a lot of fear of the unknown and anxiety about changes, so I use a couple of methods to help me cope. One is to tell myself that I don't have to make a perfect decision from the start--I can take a risk, try something different and if it doesn't work out, I'll try something else. The other is to take things a step at a time, kind of explore the possibilities and think them over, then if I decide to move forward I'll focus on that step before worrying too much about the next step. These methods can't be applied to every choice in my life, but they do help with some things. They help me to stop catastrophizing--expecting the worst outcome and overwhelming myself.
I wish you well in dealing with the challenges in your life. Take care! |
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