| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 10/10/2006 : 07:16:37
I would like to start a post that helps eveyone think psychologically, and not phyisically. If you have had success with TMS and want to share any comments or questions that helped you to uncover repressed emotions or life pressures feel free to post them.
I'll start out by saying, we tend to want things to happen the way we would like, for life to be perfect, but life never seems to be fair. What has happened, or is happening in your life that is hindering your life from they way you would like it? |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 12/19/2007 : 12:00:39
http://www.medicalpoint.com.au/understanding-self-doubt-shame-guilt-self-rejection-unworthiness.asp
Understanding Self-Doubt, Shame, Guilt, Self-Rejection, Unworthiness
Robert Elias Najemy
This is a part of a series of articles with questions, which will help us understand our emotions and how we can free ourselves from unwanted ones.
Some useful questions:
1. " Which are the events, situations or thoughts which trigger some level of self-doubt?" (We will, for the purpose of brevity, refer to all these emotions as self-doubt. You may replace this word with any other which might be more appropriate for you.)
2. "What do you believe in those situations which makes you feel this way?"
3. "Why do you believe that?" " And why do you believe that?"
(The questioning goes on as we search for the belief behind each answer that is given. " And what do you believe which makes you believe that?")
4. "Do you know other people who are similar to you in relationship to the reason you are doubting your self?" a. "Do you reject them in the same way?" "If not, then why not?" b. "Do you have two standards, one for yourself which is more strict and a more relaxed one for others?" "If yes, then why so?" c. "What prevents you from accepting yourself in the same way that you accept others?"
5. "Whose beliefs are these, which are creating these feelings? Are they yours or do they belong to some voices from the past i.e. parents, teachers etc.?"
6. "If in fact, they are not yours, but programmings, would you like to get free from them?"
7. "Is it possible that you might not want to totally accept yourself, that you are getting something out of this, perhaps you feel safe in this role of the unworthy, or perhaps you feel it would be egotistical to accept and love yourself?"
8. " If there were a part of yourself which actually wanted to avoid total self-acceptance, why might it want that; what might be the gain?"
9. "Do you feel self-doubt because you feel that you are immoral, that what you are doing is wrong, that you are doing to others what you would not like them to do? If yes, what would you like to do about that?"
10. If you want to change the behavior mentioned in No.9, how could you do so? What makes you do it? What do you feel or need, which forces you to act in a way that is in conflict with your conscience?"
11. "How can you get free from these needs that are forcing you to behave in a way which is undermining your own self esteem?"
12. "List at least five of your positive traits or qualities, because of which you could accept and respect yourself."
13. "Are you ready to create a more positive relationship with yourself? If yes, why?" "What are the negative results of your not accepting or loving your self?"
14. " Do you deserve to love your self? If yes, why? If not, Why not?"
15. " What are you going to do about this?" When and where and how?"
16. " Do you feel that communicating with others about this may be useful?"
17. " If yes, what do you want to communicate to them?"
We need to give special attention to learning to express our needs, feelings and beliefs. This is an integral part of regaining our self-esteem. We may at first express these emotions aggressively, blaming the other due to pent up hurt and anger.
For this reason, we may benefit by first writing what we want to say, and then finding a person trained in psychodrama to listen to us, as we express our feelings to him or her, imagining that he or she is the person we want to express all this to.
Once we have done this a number of times, we may feel ready to communicate our needs and feelings to our loved one, without accusing or criticizing.
Now you may like to describe how you would like to think, feel and respond in future situations. You may find it more powerful to write your description in the present tense as if it is already a reality.
For more on dealing with emotions you might want to check out these sources:
http://www.holisticharmony.com/eft/index.asp
http://www.holisticharmony.com/ezines/index.asp
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/research/emotions.html http://www.emofree.com
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| 2scoops |
Posted - 12/19/2007 : 11:56:25
http://www.rapidnet.com/~jbeard/bdm/exposes/stanley/jan90.htm
Charles Stanley
January, 1990 Radio Message
"Self-Rejection: Its Characteristics, Causes & Cures"
- "Self-rejection is a form of bondage that causes you to project these feelings on others that they didn't feel them at all." (Self-rejection, and all the so-called feelings associated with it, would be better defined (Biblically) as one's sinful response to ones circumstances and/or sin against him.)
- Uses Col. 1:21,22 as proof-text for this message and the thesis that people who suffer from feelings of self-rejection, "suffer from a very painful form of bondage."
- "People in self-rejection syndrome have chronic feelings of unworthiness."
- "Rejection is a form of control, manipulation, and domination; when someone needs acceptance and we deprive them of that, we are controlling, manipulating, and dominating them." (The Bible, of course, knows nothing of this "need for acceptance;" its source in humanistic psychology.)
- Stanley's bottom line is that "people who suffer from self-rejection are willing to base their self-worth on opinion of others rather than on relationship to God."
- "Dominating thought of person feeling self-rejection is this: 'I must please these people in order to feel good about myself.'"
- Characteristics of people feeling self-rejection:
- Overemphasis on dress (a self-image problem)
- Difficult time trusting God
- Difficult time loving others/being loved by others (psychic determinism/childhood hurts)
- Critical spirit
- Feelings of inferiority/inadequacy
- Anger
- Perfectionism ("I must be perfect to feel good about myself; arrogance and pride feelings are really cover-ups for insecurity.")
- Easily hurt
- Suspicious of others actions
- Self-isolation (that way, the only one that rejects them is themselves)
- Depression (because you failed your expectations)
- Self-verification (of their worthiness/self-worth)
- Sensual fantasies (not a matter of sexual morality, it's a matter of acceptance)
- Domineering the circumstances
The above list should actually be labeled "sinful responses of people claiming self-rejection." The above items in the list have no Biblical basis. Their roots are instead Rogerian/behavioristic psychology and Freudian psychic determinism.
- "So what if someone else rejects you, your self-worth is not based on that individual's opinion, but on God's."
- Causes of self-rejection: (This scenario completely ignores an individual's responsibility for sinful responses to ones circumstances and/or to sinful actions against them.)
- Early in life deformity
- Deep emotional hurt from past childhood [psychic determinism]
- Death of a parent ("Daddy died because he didn't love me" feelings.)
- Abandonment ("You create awesome feelings of rejection that will go with that family the rest of their life, and you will be the ultimate reason for it.")
- Divorce
- Child abuse
- Guilt feelings from past sins/mistakes
- Criticism from other people
- According to Stanley, three feelings needed for one to be emotionally healthy:
(a) Feelings of belonging
(b) Feelings of worthiness
(c) Feelings of competence
- Self-worth should be based upon what God says, which according to Stanley is, "I have a sense of worth -- Jesus died for me; I have a sense of competence -- the Holy Spirit is working in me" (complete failure to recognize that Christ died for us, not because of our great worth, but because of our great sin!).
- Stanley's three steps to overcoming self-rejection:
(a) Identify the feelings of rejection
(b) Reject the feelings of rejection (based on God having said, "I'm worthy ")
(c) Affirm the following: (sounds a little like positive confession)
(1) "Father, I thank you that I am unconditionally loved"
(2) "I am completely forgiven"
(3) "I am totally accepted"
(4) "I am complete in Christ"
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| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 12:48:51
quote:
There is another related form of concealed anger: feeling like a victim.
Feeling victimized assumes that someone or some situation has mistreated you. But a person who specializes in constantly feeling like a victim may not identify or accuse his/her abuser. Instead, he/she generally feels that the world is against him/her, that others vaguely intend to make him/her miserable.
Victims usually feel helpless; therefore, they take little responsibility for what has happened to them. They think they were terribly mistreated in the past but they now seem unable to accept love and support, e.g. if you offer them help, they never get enough or if you try to cheer them up, it seldom works.
A victim is much more likely to sulk, pout, look unhappy, or lay a guilt trip on something than to get angry. They play games: "Why does it always happen to me?" or "Yes, but ..." (Noone's ideas or suggestions will do any good).
The self-pitying, pessimistic, sad, jealous victim is surely sitting on a mass of hostility.
Boy, this is definitely true.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 11:26:26
Frequently Asked Questions
Questions are best be answered by reading the articles
The Biology of Emotions: Self help for anxiety and depression
redirectingselftherapy.com/anger.html
Based on the scientific discovery
The toxic mind: the biology of mental illness and violence
redirectingselftherapy.com/toxicmind.html
Q What is a detox crisis?
A When anger is suppressed toxic amounts of endogenous neurochemicals accumulate in neurons in the brain. The neurons periodically eject these toxins during detox crises, which manifest as excitatory nervous symptoms. See the list in the section Self help measures for recovery in The biology of Emotions article. And see the section Toxicosis in The toxic mind article.
Q What is redirecting?
A Redirecting is consciously directing anger during a detox crisis mentally, and if possible physically, toward past abusers, not in person, but for example by pounding on a bed while thinking of past abusers.
Q How do I know when to redirect?
A Redirect at the first sign of an excitatory nervous symptom until you relax.
Q What if I can’t remember anyone who ever abused me in childhood?
A Write an account of your relationships with early caretakers, and you will recognize many people who caused you to suppress anger.
Q But I love my parents and am grateful to them.
A You are not getting angry at their souls but at their sickness, at the memory of their emotional neglect. They too were innocent children who had to suppress their justifiable anger. When you have released all your anger you will have forgiveness, love, and gratitude for them.
Q Do I have to relive the traumatic experience of childhood abuse.
A No, and don’t try to do this. The abuse is not what damaged you, but the suppression of justifiable anger when you were abused or emotionally neglected.
Q What about people who abuse me now?
A When people abuse you now you are likely to over-react because your anger, which may now be rage, is a mix of anger that was suppressed in childhood and your anger at the current abuser. Mentally redirect anger using the self help measures to your parents or early caretakers. Then if appropriate, calmly confront the person, by saying something like, "I was uncomfortable with……" If you over-react anyway, and feel guilty, recognize the guilt as anger turned inward and do some redirecting.
Q I was raised to believe that anger was bad. How can you say that all anger is justifiable and healthy?
A If you look at any newborn child who cries out in anger for care, you will see that it is part of the fight or flight reaction, a God given gift for survival.
Q What is the difference between anger and rage?
A Rage is the release of toxic amounts of neurochemicals that store repressed anger.
Q What is misdirected anger?
A When neural pathways that store memories of early relationships are clogged up with the excess neurochemicals that store anger, the anger released during a detox crisis is likely to be diverted though the Wrong Neurons, so to speak. See the illustration in The Biology of Emotions article. This means we may misdirect anger toward someone who is innocent or partially innocent or inward toward ourselves as guilt or even suicidal thought. This is an unconscious process, but now that we understand the need to redirect, we can consciously direct the anger to past abusers, and in doing so help to clear the clogged neuralpathways. See the section Vicarious Detoxification Crises in The toxic mind paper.
Q Who besides our parents are past abusers.
A All persons who acted similarly toward us in attempts to suppress our justifiable anger. See the list in The biology of emotions article.
Q I am on antidepressants, will this interfere with my recovery.
A Follow your medical doctors advice about all medications. Give him/her a copy of The toxic mind article and ask him to help you withdraw. P>
Q I am on prescribed sedatives, will this interfere with my recovery.
A Follow your medical doctors advice about all medications. You will probably crave these until you are post flood. Then ask your doctor to help you withdraw. Withdrawal from sedatives can be dangerous and should always be done under medical supervision. If you use alcohol or food to calm yourself, do some redirecting before you turn to these. If you use them anyway and feel guilty, do some more redirecting.
Q What is codependency and why do you call it our primary addiction?
A Codependent relationships are formed unconsciously with parent substitutes for the purpose of setting a stage to re-enact the childhood relationships and get the anger out. The behavior of these parental substitutes is stimulatory and triggers detox crises. Other addictions to food, alcohol, drugs, and psychologically stimulatory activities such as sex, shopping, gambling, etc. also trigger detox crises. These addictions will linger until the toxicosis is gone. See the section Addictions in The toxic mind article.
Q I have been diagnosed with a specific psychiatric disorders. Will this self help cure my illness.
A Yes, all the symptoms of the various disorders are detox crises. They differ only because the toxicosis may be more intense in certain areas of the brain that control certain functions, for example in areas that control motor activity in persons with Parkinson’s disease. See the section Unity of Disease in The toxic mind article.
Q Why are my mood swings getting worse, and I sometimes over-react.
A During a detox crisis you are releasing neurochemicals that have a strong antidepressant effect and you may feel a manicky kind of high. You are also releasing sedative type neurochemicals that will then have a depressant effect and may cause prolonged heavy sleep. You may over-react and misdirect anger at partners. If you have an abusive partner, find a safe place to do the redirecting. If your partner is supportive explain that you may misdirect anger for a while, but that this will clear up in time.
Q Why do I have nightmares?
A Nightmares are intense detox crises, and opportunities to do some redirecting when you awaken.
Q What about psychosomatic illness?
A ‘Psychosomatic’ is a misnomer, ‘neurogenic’ is more accurate. Your thinking does not cause peripheral symptoms. During the detoxification process in the brain there is periodic over- and under-stimulation of the pituitary and other control organs. This causes a number of problems, such as hypothyroidism, and these problems, unless there is irreversible organic damage, will clear up in time. See the section Psychosomatic disorders in The toxic mind article.
Q What about diet
A Gradually change your diet to mostly raw foods, whole fruits and vegetables, and don’t over cook meats. Avoid stimulants, processed foods, sugar, dairy, bread and cooked grains. When you are post flood your body is likely to react to toxic foods and you may have acute, but minor reactions to toxins, both from food and the environment.
Q Should I make an effort to socialize and get a new job.
A Focus on your recovery and hold off until you are post flood before making major changes in your life.
Q What does it mean to be post flood?
A Post flood is not a sudden point of cure, but an arbitrary point chosen as a goal, when about 95% of the repressed anger is gone, and mood swings are minimal.
Q How long will it take before I am post flood and fully recovered from emotional disorders and addictions.
A You can become post flood in a few weeks to a few months. This depends on your situation and how much effort you are able to put into using the self help and on whether you have already begun to speed up the detoxification process in other therapies or by dietary changes. There is what I call the ‘muddy basin’ period after becoming post flood, which can last a good year or more, or perhaps will linger indefinitely. During this time your anger when triggered in current interactions will have less and less to do with the past and more to do with the current interaction. When it is mostly about the current interaction it is very important not to stuff it, but to recognize and release it. Otherwise you may re-experience symptoms. Continue to use the self help measures and calmly confront in current interactions if you feel it is appropriate.
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| 2scoops |
Posted - 11/26/2007 : 10:42:51
ANGER + FRUSTRATION
abuse
addiction
authors
change the world
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contact
credits
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HOME
hope
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inspiration
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suicidal readers
teenage
trauma
unemployment
violence By Clay Tucker-Ladd
How we deal with stress, disappointments, and frustration determines the essence of our personality. Anger may do more harm than any other emotion. First of all it is very common and, secondly, it upsets at least two people - the aggressor and the aggressed against.
There are two problems: how to prevent or control your own anger and how to handle someone aggressing against you. The overall effects of anger are enormous. Frustration tells us: "I'm not getting what I want!" and eventually anger is related to violence, crime, spouse and child abuse, divorce, stormy relationships, poor working conditions, poor physical health (headaches, hypertension, GI disturbances, heart attacks), emotional disorders, and so on.
how do we learn to suppress aggression?
We learn to genuinely forgive others. This takes a lot of work and understanding.
Anger can be the result of hurt pride, of unreasonable expectations, or of repeated hostile fantasies. Besides getting our way, we may unconsciously use anger to blame others for our own shortcomings, to justify oppressing others, to boost our own sagging egos, to conceal other feelings, and to handle other emotions (as when we become aggressive when we are afraid).
Any situation that frustrates us, especially when we think someone else is to blame for our loss, is a potential trigger for anger and aggression.
what is frustration?
It is the feeling we get when we don't get what we want, when something interferes with our gaining a desired and expected goal. It can be physical (a flat tire), our own limitations (paralysis after an accident), our choices (an unprepared for and flunked exam), others' actions (parental restrictions or torturing a political prisoner), others' motives (deception for a self-serving purpose), or society's injustice (born into poverty and finding no way out).
Anger is feeling mad in response to frustration or injury. You don't like what has happened and usually you'd like to get revenge. Anger is an emotional-physiological-cognitive internal state; it is separate from the behavior it might prompt. In some instances, angry emotions are beneficial; if we are being taken advantage of, anger motivates us to take action (not necessarily aggressive) to correct the situation.
recognizing anger
We know when we are very mad, but anger and aggression come in many forms, some quite subtle. Look inside yourself for more anger. This list (Madlow, 1972) of behaviors and verbal comments said to others or only thought to ourselves may help you uncover some resentments you were not aware of ...
Direct behavioral signs:
- ASSAULTIVE Physical and verbal cruelty, rage, slapping, shoving, kicking, hitting, threaten with a weapon, etc.;
- AGGRESSION Overly critical, fault finding, name-calling, accusing someone of having immoral or despicable traits or motives, nagging, whining, sarcasm, prejudice, flashes of temper;
- HURTFUL Malicious gossip, stealing, trouble-making;
- REBELLIOUS Anti-social behavior, open defiance, refusal to talk;
- DIRECT Verbal or cognitive signs;
- OPEN HATRED + INSULTS "I hate your guts!" "I'm really mad!" "You're so stupid!";
- CONTEMPT + DISGUST "You're a selfish SOB!" "You are a spineless wimp!" "You'll never amount to anything!";
- CRITICAL "If you really cared about me, you'd [fill in blank]!" "You can't trust [fill in blank]!";
- SUSPICIOUS "You haven't been fair!" "You cheated!";
- BLAMING "They've been trying to cause me trouble!" "I don't get the respect I deserve!";
- VENGEFUL "I wish I could really hurt him!";
- NAME CALLING "Guys are jerks!" "Women are bitches!" "Politicians are self-serving liars!"; and
- LESS INTENSE BUT CLEAR "Well, I'm a little annoyed ..." "I'm fed up with [fill in blank] ..." "I've had it!" "You're a pain!" "I don't want to be around you!"
Thinly veiled behavioral signs:
- Distrustful, skeptical;
- Argumentative, irritable, indirectly challenging;
- Resentful, jealous, envious;
- Disruptive, uncooperative, or distracting actions;
- Unforgiving or unsympathetic attitude;
- Sulky, sullen, pouting;
- Passively resistant, interferes with progress;
- Given to sarcasm, cynical humor, and teasing;
- Judgmental, has a superior or holier-than-thou attitude;
Thinly veiled verbal signs:
- "No, I'm not mad - I'm just disappointed / annoyed / disgusted / put out / irritated."
- "You don't know what you're talking about."
- "Don't make me laugh!"
- "Don't push me, I'll do it when I get good and ready!"
- "Well, they aren't my kind of people."
- "Would you buy a used car from him?"
- "You could improve on [fill in blank]."
- "Unlike Social Work, my major admits only the best students."
Indirect behavioral signs:
- WITHDRAWAL Quiet remoteness, silence, little communication especially about feelings; or
- PSYCHOSOMATIC DISORDERS Tiredness, anxiety, high blood pressure, heart disease.
Actually, college students with high hostility scores had, 20 years later, become more overweight with higher cholesterol and hypertension, had drunk more coffee and alcohol, had smoked more cigarettes, and generally had poorer health (Friedman, 1991).
signs of anger
- Depression and guilt;
- Serious mental illness;
- Paranoid schizophrenia;
- Accident-proneness;
- Self-defeating or addictive behavior, such as drinking, over-eating, or drugs;
- Vigorous, distracting activity (exercising or cleaning);
- Excessively submissive, deferring behavior; or
- Crying.
Indirect verbal signs:
- "I just don't want to talk."
- "I'm disappointed in our relationship."
- "I feel bad all the time."
- "If you had just lost some weight ..."
- "I'm really swamped with work, can't we do something about it?"
- "Why does this always happen to me?"
- "No, I'm not angry about anything - I just cry all the time."
hidden anger
It is obvious from these "signs of anger" that anger is frequently a concealed or disguised emotion. And why not? Getting mad is scary ... and potentially dangerous.
One common way of expressing suppressed anger has been given a special name: passive-aggressiveness. It is releasing your anger by being passive or subtly oppositional. For example, such a person may be "tired," unresponsive, act like he/she "doesn't understand," be late frequently, exaggerate others' faults, pretend to agree ("sure, whatever"), be tearful, be argumentative, be forgetful, deny anger ("Nothing's wrong ..."), procrastinate, and frequently be clumsy or sick (Hankins, 1993).
There is another related form of concealed anger: feeling like a victim.
Feeling victimized assumes that someone or some situation has mistreated you. But a person who specializes in constantly feeling like a victim may not identify or accuse his/her abuser. Instead, he/she generally feels that the world is against him/her, that others vaguely intend to make him/her miserable.
Victims usually feel helpless; therefore, they take little responsibility for what has happened to them. They think they were terribly mistreated in the past but they now seem unable to accept love and support, e.g. if you offer them help, they never get enough or if you try to cheer them up, it seldom works.
A victim is much more likely to sulk, pout, look unhappy, or lay a guilt trip on something than to get angry. They play games: "Why does it always happen to me?" or "Yes, but ..." (Noone's ideas or suggestions will do any good).
The self-pitying, pessimistic, sad, jealous victim is surely sitting on a mass of hostility. Both the passive-aggressive and the victim are likely to be aware of their anger, even though it is largely denied.
Anger expresses itself in many forms:
- Cynic;
- Naysayer;
- Critic;
- Bigot, etc.
Potter-Efron & Potter-Efron (1995) describe ten different styles of expressing anger; this may help you identify your type and help you stop it.
how angry are you?
There are so many frustrations in our daily lives, one could easily become chronically irritated. Perhaps more important than the variety of things that anger us, is:
- The intensity of our anger; and
- The degree of control we have over our anger.
That is, how close are we to losing control? About two-thirds of the students in my classes feel the need to gain more control over their anger. How much of a temper do you have? Ask yourself these kind of questions:
- Do you have a quick or a hot temper?
- Do you suppress or hide your anger (passive-aggressive or victim)?
- Do you get irritated when someone gets in your way?
- When someone fails to give you credit for your work?
- When someone criticizes your looks or opinions or work?
- When someone gives themselves advantages over you?
- Do you get angry at yourself when you make a foolish mistake?
- When you do poorly in front of others?
- When you put off important things?
- When you do something against your morals or better judgment?
- Do you drink alcohol or use drugs?
- Do you get angry or mellow when you are high?
Research clearly shows that alcohol and drugs are linked with aggression.
Drinking decreases our judgment and increases our impulsiveness, so watch out. You probably have a pretty accurate picture of your temper. But check your opinion against the opinion of you held by relatives and friends.
self-hatred and understanding
Theodore Rubin (1975) discusses self-hatred, defined as disliking any part of our selves.
It involves all of our distortions of our real self, any self-put down, or any exaggeration of one's goodness or ability. When we distort or deny what we really are, it suggests we don't like ourselves. This dislike of self starts in infancy.
Babies have all kinds of habits, needs, and emotions that parents prohibit. As a child, we all learned that parts of ourselves were "bad". This self-hatred becomes automated in the form of depression, which both punishes us and drowns out other feelings, too.
Parents who are rejecting, neglectful, overdemanding, overprotective, overly punitive, or overbearing increase the self-hatred in a child.
"I'm not good enough" becomes a central part of the self-concept.
Such a child may be a "good girl / boy" but fear and rage may exist within, even when feeling empty and lifeless. Sometimes the self-hatred is conscious but the connection between self-criticism and other problems (depression, anxiety, fatigue) is unconscious.
Sometimes the self-hatred is unconscious and we feel badly without knowing why.
a dislike of people who are different
Research has shown that, in general, we like people like ourselves and dislike people who are different (Byrne, 1969). We naturally like people who reward us and dislike people who punish us; and, similarity is rewarding.
If groups are competitive, critical, and punishing of each other, the dislike and aggression between the groups grow. Groups and cultures tend to create ingroups and outgroups. Thus, Hitler used the existing hostility against Jews to unite, motivate, and deceive the German people in the 1930's.
Likewise, the U.S. and Russia used distrust of each other during the "Cold War" to unite each country into uncooperative, hostile but mighty nations. And each person is expected to conform to his/her group's beliefs. Imagine trying during the 1980's to defend communistic ideas among Archie Bunkers, businessmen, or the Moral Majority. Or try to defend blacks among whites or whites among blacks - and see the hostility quickly rise towards you.
In short, ingroups are valued.
Outgroups are devalued, stereotyped, and scapegoated. Sometimes the minority that is discriminated against by the majority culture turns the anger inward, resulting in self-destructive behavior, such as low self-esteem, self-blame (like abused women), alcoholism, drug abuse, and passive-resistance to the dominant culture's ideals of success.
Certainly for a white northern European culture to believe that African, Chinese, and Indian cultures and histories are unimportant and inferior, is to be ignorant and disrespectful. Being poor is enough to make you mad, but to have your ancestors deceived, neglected, and disgraced is too much. Let's hope conditions improve before the wrath is unleashed outward.
In milder forms, chauvinists may also be hostile, e.g. the male who puts down his wife and demands she attend to his every need; the angry, threatening, autocratic boss or teacher who enjoys seeing the worker or student break into a cold sweat.
Boredom is another source of hostility, according to Fromm.
When life loses its meaning because we are only a cog in a wheel, our reaction to the senselessness and helplessness is anger. We feel cheated; we had hoped for more in life; the powerlessness hurts. Hurting others or making them mad are ways of proving one still has power, a means of showing "I'm somebody."
Hauck described a woman who had been insulted and abused by an alcoholic husband for 30 years. She hated him. He had wasted enormous amounts of needed money on drinks. He was self-centered. When she sought help from a Rational-Emotive therapist, he told her, "Your husband is sick. You are demanding that he change, but he can't."
With the therapist's help she started to see her husband as emotionally ill instead of mean. She stopped getting upset and critical or nasty with her husband. As a result, the husband stopped fighting (but not drinking). The woman realized she had been insisting that the world (especially her husband) be different than it was.
She had created her own angry misery by saying, "Ain't it awful! Things must be different."
anger-generating fantasies
First, something happens to make us mad - someone cheats or insults us, a child rebels, our lover shows a lot of attention to someone else. We think about it a lot; we talk about it; it becomes an obsession, like a movie played over and over.
The more we think about it, the angrier we get.
Moreover, just waiting five minutes helps women get over their anger, but not men. Zillmann speculates that men may be more prone than women to ruminate about the mistreatments they have suffered and / or about their inability (or wished-for ability) to retaliate against their annoyer. Thus, men hold anger longer than women.
It is not uncommon to meet a person who is still, years later, seething with anger towards a former spouse or a tyrannical parent or boss. Presumably the unpleasant memories maintain the hostility which, in turn, fuels more aggressive fantasies and perhaps ulcers, distrust of others, and so on.
There seem to be two elements in anger-building:
- Obsessive hostile fantasies; and
- A lack of creative imagination or fantasy.
For example, extremely violent persons often ruminate almost continuously about how awful the hated person is. Also, they think of only violent solutions to the problem.
On the other hand, research has consistently shown that people who are frequently aggressive have a very limited ability to think of different or more creative ways of handling the anger-making situation or person (Singer, 1984).
putting others down
Eric Berne (1964), founder of Transactional Analysis (TA), wrote a very popular book, Games People Play. One kind of game is to put others down, which certainly is aggressive. The payoffs of such games are building one's ego, denying responsibility for one's problems, reaffirming one's opinion that other people are "not okay", and expressing some of one's anger.
Some of these put-down games involve blaming others ("If it weren't for you ..."), demeaning others ("I know your blemish ..." "Men only want sex ..." "Yes, but you're wrong ..."), and revenge ("Now I've got you!").
According to TA, it is the "child" part of us that enjoys playing these hurtful games, which are carried out unconsciously. The rational "adult" part of us may never become aware of the destructive, hostile games being played by the "child" part. But if the "adult" part can gain some insight, it could stop the games. If insight happened, however, there would surely be an internal struggle between the "adult" and the "child," resulting in stress and irritability.
If your logical "adult" realizes your "child's" motives and stops the "child" from playing these games, the "child" is likely to resent losing some of its fun. But at least the aggression-generating thoughts and experiences of the game are eliminated.
psychological put-downs
Games are unconscious but we may consciously put-down or degrade or insult another person by "mind reading" or "psychologizing," i.e. attempting to analyze and explain their behavior. First of all, most people resent someone else (unless it's their therapist) telling them what they really think or feel and what their unconscious motives really are.
Secondly, many of these psychological speculations are negative. Alan Gurman and David Rice, well known marital therapists, provide many examples.
Psychological explanations:
- "He is still a baby and wants to be cared for."
- "She needs attention all the time, she flirts with everyone."
- "He is afraid I'll be more successful than he is, that's why he wants me to stay home."
- "You're just trying to make me mad so you'll have an excuse to go drinking."
Psychological name-calling:
- "You're paranoid."
- "You're a latent homo."
- "You're a hypochondriac - it's all in your head."
Accusations about the other person's ability or desire to change:
- "You're sick, you must want to be unhappy."
- "You don't care about me, you don't want to change."
- "You just don't care how I feel."
Accusations of poor insight:
- "I have more and more to do at work, why can't you understand that and stop bitching?"
- "Can't you see I'm upset and want to be left alone."
- "You just don't get it, do you?"
Blaming permanent characteristics (or human nature) in the other person:
- "He has a terrible temper."
- "She is super-sensitive."
- "All women are scatterbrained."
- "Men are so insensitive."
- "Boy, are you stupid!"
Psychological concepts are often misused. These aggressive remarks are likely to hurt others and harm relationships. The attitude underlying such statements is not acceptance, tolerance, understanding and unconditional positive regard. It is anger and hostility.
First recognize these resentments and pet peeves and then learn to understand the causes of the resented behaviors. To truly understand is to forgive.
The relationship between anger and other emotions - anxiety, guilt, depression, dependency, and sex. There are very complex interactions between anger and several other emotions.
A classical substitution of one feeling for another is when a person cries, a sign usually of sadness, instead of showing anger. My experience in counseling is that when a woman cries, she is really mad about 75% of the time. Check this out.
Anger turned inward on the self is another classical dynamic explaining depression.
Some psychologists have suggested the reverse, namely, that the pain of depression causes anger. All these connections are likely. There are some interesting, often tragic, relationships between sexual feelings and aggression: bondage, sadism, rape, masochism, and the use of sexual swear words when angry.
Impotence and frigidity commonly reflect anger.
Pornography and prostitution are usually for men's pleasure and profit, while these activities degrade and abuse women. It has been shown, for instance, that males are more aggressive towards females than males after watching an erotic film. The relationship between erotica and aggression is complex, however. Disgusting or crude pornography increases our aggression.
Several other factors within certain subcultures create stress:
- Having strong conflicts between values, such as believing in white or male superiority and equal opportunities;
- Feeling unjustly treated and deprived;
- Experiencing economic, racial, sexual, or other prejudices; and
- Believing the "establishment" (e.g. police or courts) is handling some local situation badly.
marital conflict
The traditional marriage vows are emotionally moving and express a noble commitment: "I take thee, for better or for worse ... until death do us part."
However, we often come to dislike many things about our partner, leading to serious conflicts. Indeed, although all start with sincere intentions, almost 50% of all marriages end in divorce, in spite of enormous pressures to stay married.
why the pressures?
If marriage is considered a sacred public pledge or even "a union made in heaven," then divorce might be regarded a sin (like in the Catholic church) or, at least, a violation of a solemn promise. In addition to external pressures from family and divorce courts, there are also intense personal needs to "make it work" because it seems as though "you have failed" if your marriage fails. Many marriages fail but do not end in divorce - the so called "empty shell" marriage.
These marriages may not have intense conflicts; indeed, they may be void of feelings. There must be disappointment in such marriages, however. Let's look at some of the sources of conflict in the traditional marriage.
Most married people initially try to build a smooth, close, safe relationship, preferably one without friction. In this process, sometimes the roles for husband and wife become very rigidly defined; there is no freedom, no room for growth or change.
Sometimes people think they need to pretend to be or feel some way to appeal to their spouse; there is little honesty and intimacy if you think your spouse may not accept you as you really are, i.e. for better or for worse.
Fullerton (1977), in the mid-70's, explained how "the perfect wife" becomes sad and angry. A woman with self-doubts may be unusually anxious to please her new husband. She tries to do everything the way he would want it done.
She believes: "if I'm the good, perfect wife, I will be loved." Eventually being perfect with housecleaning and diapers and children gets tiresome and boring. She becomes resentful. Some evening when her husband arrives home from work late and finds her still mopping the floor, he asks, "Are you still cleaning?" She bursts into tears.
She cries because it is either go into a rage against her husband (which she - the perfect wife - can't do) or turn her anger inward on herself. She increases the self-criticism, clings more desperately to the husband, and feels more and more like crying.
The 1970's "perfect wife" was also prone to be jealous. According to Fullerton, a female was likely to get her sense of worth from a male - her father, her boyfriend, her husband, and later her sons. She may have gone from being Daddy's little girl to being someone's wife without ever becoming a person.
She was dependent on her looks and on being a "good girl" and "perfect wife" in order to be loved. She saw her husband as having strength and purpose; he was her whole life. Even when he was at work, she carried on an inner dialogue with him. She made her decisions in terms of what he would want and expect.
Being so needy and unsure of her worth, naturally she would be jealous of anything that took his time - his work, his friends, his interests, etc. She was too insecure and too "perfect" to confront him, but eventually the jealousy may burst through, especially if she imagined another woman is involved.
Once a jealous rage has occurred, it tended to reoccur. If he was innocent, it would be hard to prove. If she found out there is another woman, she was crushed. She felt betrayed, lost, scared, worthless, and angry. She might decide all men are no good or she might look for another one who desires her.
Women are changing but any woman over 40 can remember those times.
Husbands may become angry, threatened, and jealous too. An insecure male may, just like the wife, become dependent on his wife's adoration. She makes him feel good about himself. He may want her to "stay home" (too many men out there in the work place). He is jealous of anyone or anything that gets her attention.
Tragically, that sometimes includes their own first born child.
The man may be ashamed to admit feeling resentful of his own child. Yet, he feels left out and betrayed; the wife is bewildered and unable to relieve his pain because the problem is inside him - his self-doubt (Fullerton, 1977). Men still want to be in control; they haven't changed as much as women have since the 1970's.
This causes more problems - girls / women are becoming more independent, boys / men are remaining dependent, tough, macho, and violent. Our culture is still inclined to say, "Boys will be boys," but male possessiveness, dominance, and violence must be condemned and changed. In some families marital conflict is denied but gets expressed against another family member, often the oldest or the second child.
This displaced hostility is very harmful to the child because there is no way to escape (since the child has no control over the real source of the anger). The child may be accused of bad traits a parent has (projection) or of bad traits one parent resents in the other partner. For example, if the wife feels the husband is a liar and a cheat, she may accuse the son of these traits and ask her husband to punish the son (indirectly letting the husband know how much she resents those traits).
The husband's shame may get turned into self-righteous wrath with the son.
The parental expectations of the son to be dishonest may also become self-fulfilling prophecies, with the son saying to himself "if they never believe me anyhow, I might as well lie."
No one expects his/her marriage to be like this.
And, in fact, the problems of a two-career marriage without children would be quite different. But, even though financially better off, the dual career family has its own unique problems.
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| skizzik |
Posted - 11/17/2007 : 13:37:36
wow, great stuff! |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 11/17/2007 : 12:32:52
A lot of illness and pain is caused by repressed anger and hostility. Also, much sickness is made more severe by hidden hatred, grudges, fears, and an unforgiving spirit.
If your having physical problems, you may want to ask yourself:
1.When did my sick feeling or sickness first occur?
2. What emotionally charged events were happening in my life at that time?
3. By being sick, did I have anything to gain? Does my sickness help me avoid someone? Does my sickness help me avoid some task or responsibilty?
4. Does my sickness help me get even with someone? Is my sickness a weapon to make some else feel sorry for their actions towards me? Do I gain a victory over others by making them attend to my needs? Or do I get revnege by making them change their schedule around me? Does it make them spend more time with me that they would not normally do?
5. If my sickness or pain was brought on by anger, why am I afraid to express it? What would be the worst possible thing that could happen if i expressed my anger?
6. If I weren't sick or in pain, how would I like to feel? What would I like to be doing? How would I like to behave?
7. What other alternatives do I have bedised feeling sick or be in pain? Are there any other ways I could be productive? How could I help others, even though I'm facing problems myself?
7. With my sickness or pain, am I turning my anger towards myself or toward God? Am I punishing myself? Do I feel that God is punishing me? Why would God punish me? Are my thoughts that God is punishing me just because I don't understand what is happening to me? Ot am I afraid to face the anger I feel inside?
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| 2scoops |
Posted - 11/17/2007 : 12:14:13
ANGER
1.Lower back pain - Occurs when an individual wanted to carry out some action involving the entire body. The activity these patients were most commonly thinking about was walking or running away from a situation.
"I just wanted to walk out of the house"
"I wanted to run away"
2. Arterial hypertension - Occurs when an individual felt that he must be constantly prepared to meet all possible threats.
"No body is ever going to beat me. I'm ready for everything"
"It is up to me to take care of all my worries"
3. Hives - Occurs when an individual saw him of herself as being mistreated. Felt he or she was receiving a blow, and there was nothing they could do about it.
" I was taking a beating, but what could I do about it?"
4. Eczema - Occurs when an individual feels that they are being interfered with or prevented from doing something and could think of no way of dealing with the frustration.
"I want a way to make my mother understand, but I can't"
" I take it out on myself"
5. Cold and Moist Hands - Occurs when an individual feels that they should undertake some kind of activity, even though they migh not know exactly what to do.
"I just had to do something"
6. Runny Nose - Occurs when an individual is facing a situation they can't do anything about. They wished the situation would go away, or that someone else would step in and take over the responsibilty. The mucous membrane began to hypersecrete to wash out the foreign substance and get rid of it.
"I wanted to blot it all out. I wanted to build a wall betwwen me and them"
"I wanted to go to bed and pull the sheets over my face"
7. Asthma - Occurs in association with attitudes like those with the runny nose.
"I just couldn't face it"
"I wanted them to go away"
8. Diarrhea - Occurs when an individual wants to be done with a situation, have it over with or to get rid of someone or something.
"I wanted to crawl into a hole until it was over or done"
"I wanted to erase it from my life forever?
9. Constipation - Occurs when a person was grimly determined to carry on even with a problem they cannot solve.
"I have to keep on with this, although I don't like it"
"I'll stick with it, although no good will come of it"
10. Nausea and Vomitting - Occurs when an individual was thinking of something hey wished never happeened. They were preoccupied with the mistake they had rather than what they should have done instead.
"I wish it would have never happened"
"I made a mistake"
Some of the individuals were feeling very guilty for an unpleasant event in their past.
11. Deudenal Ulcer - Occurs when an individual was seeking revenge. They wished to injure the person or thing that injured them.
"I wanted to get back at him"
"He hurt me, so I wnted to hurt him"
"She just eats me up"
12. Migraine Headach - Occurs when an individual has been making an intense effort to carry out a definite planned program or to achive some definite objective. The headache occured when the effort had ceased, no matter wehter the activity had been associated with success or failure.
"I had to get it done"
"I had a million thingd to do before lunch"
"I was trying to get all these things accomplished"
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| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 10/16/2006 : 11:48:30
Re the difficulty of love plus unconscious rage, I find it even harder to deal with feeling unconscious rage toward my boyfriend than toward my parents. Maybe because I have begun to understand the complications of a parenting relationship but still hope that a partner relationship can be easier. But I guess it's not.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 10/15/2006 : 17:37:24
Hillary, your welcome. Littlebird, I am reading them together, so I really don't recommend one or the other first. I have gotten really good insight from both and they both have given a better insight into the causes of my TMS. I was so responsible as kid, waking myself up in the first grade, catching the school bus, homework, etc. I never had help. I acted perfect, never any trouble at school, grades were always okay or good. It's really all coming to me. I'm dealing with something that has been passed on from generation to generation.
I did an informative speech last Thursday for my speech class and chose to do TMS. I thought eveyone was pretty resposive and even had some come up to me and ask questions. one lady's daughter was cutting, another student's mom had fibromyalgia. This stuff is real and it's good to make the connection. |
| Littlebird |
Posted - 10/15/2006 : 16:39:31
2scoops, should one of the Bradshaw books be read before the other? I'm ordering them together, but if you think there's a best order for reading them, I'll take your advice.
Hilary N, I appreciate your observations about communication. While I knew from watching my parents and my older brothers in their marriages that good relationships take a lot more than love, I've still had a hard time figuring out just what it does take. I went from arguing like a couple of siblings with my first husband to being afraid to complain or argue with my second (current) one. I know there's a middle ground, a place where I can voice feelings without fear of driving people away or of being ignored and hurt.
I guess it seems less painful to not voice a feeling or need if I expect it to be ignored or devalued. My first husband's response was often that I shouldn't feel whatever it was I felt.
I know on an intellectual level that I can't assume that what's obvious to me is obvious to others, but I do hesitate to tell people what I'm feeling or what I need more than once, like I think they should get it the first time. It's that same fear of rejection or dismissal.
Shawnsmith, your comment about not liking to feel dependent on your wife is interesting. I wonder how common it is for people to feel dependence in their relationships, and whether all dependence ought to be viewed as unhealthy to the relationship or if some is ok. In my family I've seen some people confuse dependence and love--thinking that having the feeling that they need someone must mean they love that person. Not that a person can't feel both dependence and real love, but I think it must be best to recognize the difference between the two.
This has been an imformative and thought-provoking thread for me. |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 10/15/2006 : 08:17:00
Yes, I'm much less irritated by things people do if I've had friendly face-to-face contact with them.
Hilary N |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 10/15/2006 : 07:40:45
My wife and I made a good insight last night while doing a Byron Katie (the work.org) worksheet on our sometimes noisey neighbours. I mentioned earlier that I get really agitated and angry when my apartment neighbours make noise from their apartment that I can hear. I find it very disturbing and have a difficult functioning. But we discovered that in the past when I face this type of problem, once I got to actually know my neighbour personally and established friendly relations with them, the noise actually did not bother me at all. I was thinking that if my mom were living upstairs from me I would not be aggravated by any noise she makes, and the same would be true by other relatives also. In addition, my mom roars like a lion when she snores, but when I am home to visit her it does not bother me in the least. Go figure.
Any further insights from board members? It appears to me, however, that the problem is no just the noise but goes much deeper. |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 10/15/2006 : 07:29:55
Thanks, 2scoops. I’m going to CT for a week’s holiday soon, so maybe I’ll get them to read on the flight.
Hilary N |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 10/14/2006 : 15:49:56
The hard part to accept for me is that I could love someone and yet possess internal unconscious rage towards them at the exact same time. The hard thing for me to understand is how can I have emotions that I don't even feel? And yet, the fact is these emotions are there threatening to come to the surface.
I was journaling the other day about possible anger towards my wife and I wrote the question "How can be angry at _______?" The question actually made me cry. I know that I am dependent on her for many tihing and that I don't like this. |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 10/14/2006 : 09:17:19
"We’re not taught how to communicate our feelings, and I think this is particularly relevant to TMS-er’s. We’re also not taught how to live in a relationship. There seems to be an assumption that if you love someone then everything will be perfect. But there’s far more to a successful relationship than that."
Wow this statement really hit home with me. If you love someone, everything shuld be perfect. You souldn't have to share your feelings and emotions, because if two people love one another, they should know what the other is thinking and there shouldn't be any anger. I used to think that way.
HillaryN, if you plan on getting Homecoming, I strongly encourage you to get Healing the Shame That Binds You, by John Bradshaw as well, those books compliment themselves. They have, IMHO, have opened up the causes of my TMS. They deal with the causes of shame, guilt, feelings of inadaquecy and anything else we maybe repressing.
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| HilaryN |
Posted - 10/14/2006 : 07:06:50
I also hate asking for help and feel I should at least try and figure things out for myself before asking.
quote:
I've often had the attitude that I shouldn't have to ask for help, the people close to me should see that I'm trying to do too much or that I'm struggling emotionally with something and should be willing to pitch in and help me.
I used to do that. But the guilt factor never works. People don’t like to be made to feel guilty – they see it as a form of criticism, which it is. It’s also manipulative. It just drives people away.
Also, you can’t assume that what is obvious to you is obvious to everyone else, or even your nearest and dearest. It’s very important to learn to communicate our feelings without making the listener feel responsible for them. You are responsible for your feelings and it’s important to learn to take responsibility for them.
We’re not taught how to communicate our feelings, and I think this is particularly relevant to TMS-er’s. We’re also not taught how to live in a relationship. There seems to be an assumption that if you love someone then everything will be perfect. But there’s far more to a successful relationship than that.
I highly recommend “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
John Gray also writes about taking responsibility for communicating your feelings in his books on relationships (e.g. “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”).
Another excellent book on communication, very readable, is Dale Carnegie’s classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.
Learning how to communicate isn’t an overnight process. It takes time.
I’ve just been reading the first few pages of “Homecoming” by John Bradshaw on Amazon and it looks very interesting. I may get that.
Hilary N |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 10/13/2006 : 19:19:01
Littlebird, your welcome. If that statement, hit you like it hit me, I strongly recommend you read The Shame That Binds You and Homecoming by John Bradshaw. They should be available and both have given me some great points to think about. I have lived with shame my whole life and it's a big part of my TMS, if not the main big reason. Hope this helps you as much as it did me. |
| Littlebird |
Posted - 10/13/2006 : 15:28:19
2scoops, thanks for that comment about people who feel shame having trouble asking for help. That puts a new spin on some of my feelings. I've often had the attitude that I shouldn't have to ask for help, the people close to me should see that I'm trying to do too much or that I'm struggling emotionally with something and should be willing to pitch in and help me.
I also hesitate to ask for help because I see in my family members' body language and hear in their tone of voice that they don't really want to help and so I feel torn between how I'll feel when I get that reaction to my requests for help and how I'll feel when I have to do things all on my own. I frequently end up opting for just doing things myself. Plus they don't always do a good job on the task, which I see as resistance to helping me, so then I feel upset about that too.
I'll have to give more thought to just why your statement about shame resonates so much with me, because I'm not quite sure why needing or wanting help would cause me to feel a sense of shame, but I do think this idea could lead me to something important. Thanks again for posting it. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 10/13/2006 : 15:06:04
quote:
I would seek to rationalize things and say "oh well, I did not get the job, and it's for the best for me overall."
People used to encourage me to take this perspective a lot when I was looking for jobs. I found it extremely irritating. Sometimes we need to vent and be upset.
Unfortunately we also don't need to do what so many of us do, me included...feel like we are not good enough, like we should be in control and never fail.
It does suck to feel that way, and I think that's something that Sarno doesn't really address in his suggestions (nor should he necessarily, I'm just saying he doesn't). It is all excellent to prevent TMS recurrences by just remaining aware of this and expressing the feelings, but the feelings still really suck, so I wish there was some way to really change them. Haven't figured out if there is yet. :(
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
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