| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 10/07/2006 : 16:46:59
Even before I discovered TMS and Sarno I was discovering that "things are not as they seem" with regard to my illness. I was challenging it and trying to––as I put it––process my stuff through direct awareness rather than through somatizing. I was familiar with Alice Miller and Candace Pert and other such material as I have been working with people in these murky areas for 25 years.
Yet Sarno was an incredible revelation. It was the distraction theory that blew my socks off as I lay on the couch reading the book cover to cover one evening last spring, and when I woke up at 3 am with intense fibromyalgia pain, I faced it down then and there. Uh uh, don't believe you. What are you really feeling. Pretty quickly I realized that I had only gone one level down about my father's impending death... and other things. Wow! Did I really need to stay THAT current with my feelings to stay healthy? Apparently so!
Since then I've been seeing everything as a distraction. Symptoms, addictions to pretty much everything - most of human life can be considered a strategy to distract us from our deep pain. When I am able to journey all the way into my pain without resisting it or believing its story, I always come out with more energy and lots of inspiration. I am teaching a seminar in about a month in which I am incorporating some of this stuff.
Yet.. how far does this distraction thing go? Sometimes it seems to me to be a theory of everything human. This quote from MuLLady in a thread below caught my attention:
"Although the greatest gift and this is so huge is that I have not obsessed about my x- girlfriend at all which for the past 5 1/2 long years I have been doing daily. I instantly saw this as a major distractor..."
So... if obsessing about an ex is another distraction strategy, how many other things qualify?
Here's my partial list of TMS-type distractions:
1) Physical symptoms - to what degree, currently unknown (new conditions keep being added to the list; first it was the back, then fibro and migraines and CFS and so on)
2) All addictions
3) Most Thinking (a major looping activity of the mind to avoid feeling what we really feel). I think there is a kind of thinking that is more spontaneous and creative that doesn't serve this function, but that emerges more in present time.
4) Re (2).... Addictions are basically repetitive neural patterns - pathways in our nervous system to which we become addicted. Some say our whole sense of self is an addiction.
What've YOU got to add to this list? Let's obliterate all wasteful behavior and re-emerge as who we really are!
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| 17 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 10/10/2006 : 11:49:16
I forgot to mention that a few years ago I also developed a sensitivity to noise which has driven me almost insane. Especially from other apartments. It appears that I have an acute desire to control my most immediate physical environment and get upset and tense when I can't control my environment. I am in oppostion to reality I guess. This speaks of some deep seated insecurities and, according to TMS therapist Don Dubin, a fear of abanondonment. I know what abanondonment feels like, as I am sure others do also, and it is not pleasent.
BTW wavy soul, I changed the his to her. Sorry about that. |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 19:44:38
quote:
Originally posted by Fox
The best book on procrastination that I've read is "Overcoming Procrastination" by Albert Ellis, who developed Rational Emotive Therapy.
Thanks for the book tip Fox. I'll put it on my reading list, NOW. Procrastination is my middle name. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 18:58:30
Littlebird, what a great expression of the positive effects of understanding ourselves!
quote:
Now I'm feeling like I can learn to really express my needs and get them met without that overwhelming fear that I'll lose the people I love in the process. Actually, I think my relationships will be better off for it.
I have been more able to notice now when my "goodist" buttons in relationships are pushed. In the past I've ducked out of relationships (mainly romantic ones) because my lack of separation between my own wants and needs and the other person's was making me bored and unhappy. And I haven't been able to have healthy conflict because any time I upset someone, I either go into total denial mode that I could have done anything wrong, or I feel totally worthless and like I could never be good enough. This button just got pushed this past weekend and that was the first time I realized why I am always so upset whenever there is conflict, why I can't get angry, or have someone angry with me, without breaking down and crying. I am not sure where it came from precisely but I know that both of my parents are poor at handling conflict too and I probably just picked up their habits unconsciously.
I KNOW that my life and relationships will be better when I can handle conflict more effectively and without the all-or-nothing approach that comes from perfectionism/goodism.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 18:28:29
Oh how exciting - lots more great responses on a thread I started. This is a good distraction, because like it or not it keeps bringing me back to the main point.
Littlebird, if you check my profile my web address is there and you can see about my seminars. I'm actually about to teach one with major TMS references. There's also an audio interview with me about my experiences healing my body that you might be interested in re the topic on this forum.
About living for others: I'm just working with someone on my own tendency to care what people think. It's amazing to think that I can actually get to the other side of this biggest bugaboo of my life, where I am starting to be able to say, congruently, with my emotional body agreeing on all levels, "It's none of my business what you think of me." I'm not all the way there yet, but even getting closer smells of fanstastic freedom.
btw Shawnsmith, I'm not a "he!"
best to all
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 17:32:12
wavy soul says in her very inciteful post:
"What've YOU got to add to this list?"
I am sitting here right now obsessing about my pain which is preety much all over my body right now, and trying to think my way out of it with little success up until now. But, as per wavy soul's invitation to add to the list of obsessions, mine has been "food" and "sexual fantasy," the latter taking over my life in the past and made me feel like crap. It never occured to me to force myself on anyone, but just to resort to this state of mind over and over again. I see it now as being an emotional distraction away from a lot of emotional pain buried deep within but I did not see it that way at the time. As for the food thing, yes I am a bit rotund..... |
| PainFreeinNC |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 15:55:49
quote:
Originally posted by sonora sky
littlebird,
What book on procrastination are you reading? That's one of my biggest demons. I've been thinking of starting a thread on it
Did anyone catch the ironic hilarity of that statement?
I'd comment further on this thread but I relate so much to it I better just soak it up. |
| Littlebird |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 15:48:00
I suppose there are multiple reasons why we develop the habit of putting others ahead of ourselves all the time. I think in my case that it had a lot to do with having an emotionally volatile mother. I felt like I had to do whatever necessary to keep her happy and calm, to avoid triggering an explosion, and I felt like I had to be perfect for my dad because he was my source of security and I was afraid of losing that.
That feeling of always needing to put others needs first has continued to stick with me, I think, because I've been afraid to acknowledge the pain. I've felt that my parents weren't trying to be selfish, they both came from really dysfunctional families. My mother was sexually abused from the age of 8 on by an older brother and his friends, while my dad was raised by an unstable mother who had murdered his father in a rage and got away with it because the family covered it up as an accident.
One of the best things I've learned through this forum is that it's ok for me to acknowledge the deep pain and sorrow that some of my loved ones have caused me. I don't have to "blame" them to acknowledge the pain. I can still feel compassion and empathy for their emotional pain. They didn't intentionally ignore my needs, at least not most of the time, they were just trying to cope with their own needs and pain. But it still hurt me. Being able to acknowledge the pain without feeling like I'm labeling them as terrible parents is so liberating for me.
Now I'm feeling like I can learn to really express my needs and get them met without that overwhelming fear that I'll lose the people I love in the process. Actually, I think my relationships will be better off for it. |
| carbar |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 15:00:40
quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
This is a great topic. I recently realized that my anxious thoughts are themselves distractors from my feelings about things I'm worried about. This is nothing new to the theory since Sarno says that anxiety is a TMS equivalent.
Yeah, i'm looking at this in myself, ACL. It's kind of shocking to see how the anxious thoughts prevent ACTUAL thinking and reasoning and resolution. :)
Littlebird wrote:
quote:
I've probably been as angry at myself as I have been at others, because I'm the one who decided as a young adult that I was lazy by nature and should always force myself to handle all of my responsibilities before I'd let myself do anything fun
Self-concept is really bizarre. I don't understand how TMS-type personality almost erases the self, like we all just do stuff for other people in one way or another. Or for the internal censor, or whatever is driving these "all work, no play" mentalities. So of course we set up procrastination because we resent all this responsibility. Thanks for bringing up this point!
I think procrastination fits right in with anxiety because it's thinking about a task but not ACTUALLY taking care of it, vs. thinking about a thought, but not in a caring way. Hmm. Good to realize this! |
| Littlebird |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 14:58:15
Wavy Soul, I'm curious about what sort of seminar you're teaching. I've been reflecting on your statement about being able to journey all the way into the pain without resisting it or believing its story--you made me realize that's one of the things I need to practice doing. I think many of us have been taught from a very young age to resist and deny pain, as well as to reject its story. Whether our parents and others teach us that intentionally or not, we do internalize that fear of pain and fear of the power we think it may have--wouldn't it be nice if more people could realize that acknowledging the pain is what takes pain's power away.
Armchairlinguist, I appreciate your observations about the difference between downtime distraction and distraction from repressed emotions. That's going to make a good journal topic for me, as I work on developing my awareness of how I'm using the distractions mentally.
Kristin, it's interesting to hear that you want to make jewelry because that's something I want to make time for also. Hope you'll soon get to the place where you feel like you deserve that time for yourself. I know that's one of the roots of my TMS situation.
Corey |
| Fox |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 11:58:23
The best book on procrastination that I've read is "Overcoming Procrastination" by Albert Ellis, who developed Rational Emotive Therapy. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 11:35:42
This is a great topic. I recently realized that my anxious thoughts are themselves distractors from my feelings about things I'm worried about. This is nothing new to the theory since Sarno says that anxiety is a TMS equivalent. But it was interesting to me because I thought that that meant that the things I worried about weren't meaningful in helping me determine where to look for feelings. It turns out they are, just that the particular worries aren't so meaningful.
There was also a discussion a while back about self-injury as a TMS-type distraction. It certainly makes a lot of sense and is in line with the prevailing theories about why people cut or otherwise injure themselves.
Even reading can be a distraction...if I have a little time, I find that I'll often pick up a book I've read before and re-read it, rather than thinking or just resting with nothing to do (which might lead to thinking). The same thing can go for using the computer. I'll check my email compulsively or catch up on all my web stuff.
But I also like reading and a lot of the time when I do it, I'm just enjoying myself. Likewise, keeping up with the news on the web is useful. And sometimes being distracted is harmless and even necessary -- the brain just needs some downtime.
It's not really what you're doing, but how you're using it mentally that counts, and whether it's just downtime or a potentially serious distraction from things. Unfortunately that can only be noticed with a good dose of self-awareness and patience. :)
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| Kristin |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 10:51:04
to Littlebird:
I can relate word for word to your last two paragraphs of your first posting on this topic. Also the procrastinating stuff with both the fear of success and failure! I so want to do make jewelry and sell it but I am always coming home from work (at 2:30 pm) and finding I have to clean house, shop, start dinner, harrang the kids to do their homework, etc, by the time evening roles around I'm too tired to be creative. I have not learned how to carve out my time or even got to the place where I feel like a deserve it. Maybe that's a good issue to tackle in therapy. |
| Kristin |
Posted - 10/09/2006 : 10:29:03
I am also experiencing this sort of realization. What would happen if even a small percentage of the worlds population would adopt the approach to life in which we "obliterate all wasteful behavior and re-emerge as who we really are!" ? How much would the health care industry be affected at least?
It's a personal revolution of sorts, that can free us. It's 100% personal responsibility which makes it hard to exploit.
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| Littlebird |
Posted - 10/08/2006 : 00:07:18
SS, that's the book I'm reading, "The Now Habit." I've read a little about procrastination before, but like Dr. Fiore says, everything I'd read just gave the same pat answers. I knew my perfectionism was tied to the procrastination, but the stuff this book says about just how it is connected fits me so well.
Part of the reason my procrastination has gotten so out of hand is that I have developed a fear not only of both failure and success (or added responsibility and delayed failure--I never could quite put my finger on just what fear of success really was before he put it into words for me), but also a fear of total physical and emotional collapse. During the past 8 years I've really pushed myself to the point of total physical collapse numerous times, as well as a major emotional meltdown, while caring for other people (my sick mother and my sick husband) even though I've had severe fatigue/pain/etc., dx as Fibro and all the other stuff that goes with it.
I found that "pacing" myself would help me avoid a crash and the long recovery time, but I developed such a fear of the crash that I didn't want to start anything other than the bare necessities of life. So I felt that this legitimate fear of the crash was even more a source of procrastination for me than perfectionism.
But I also felt really angry that I'm the one who has to take care of everybody else when I feel so cruddy all the time myself, and that anger was feeding my procrastination. "Why should I have to do this paperwork, housecleaning, etc. I always have to put all of my limited energy into the drudge jobs and never have any left for fun stuff," my mind was saying, and so I procrastinated to rebel. When I read about procrastination as a method of rebellion I went "Duh, I've seen this in my kids, why couldn't I see it in myself?!" Realizing that it's not just the fear of another physical crash is such an eye-opener.
My brain and I have been battling and it's been really beating me into the ground, but now that I understand the issues I think my divided mind can stop being divided. I've probably been as angry at myself as I have been at others, because I'm the one who decided as a young adult that I was lazy by nature and should always force myself to handle all of my responsibilities before I'd let myself do anything fun. And if someone else wasn't handling their responsibilities, then I'd make myself take on theirs too, because somebody had to get all this stuff done. It would be unthinkable to leave something undone. Of course, I'd be seething inside that other people were shirking their responsibilities and forcing me to do their work too. No wonder I ended up with TMS.
Perfectionism sounds like kind of a good thing to have, but it causes us so much suffering. It's a trait that's been handed down through our family for many generations, and it's caused a lot of problems for many of my relatives. Yet we all just kept telling ourselves it was a good thing, and our lives would be so much better if we kept striving for perfection. |
| painintheneck |
Posted - 10/07/2006 : 22:13:18
Wavy,
Good post and brings up a lot of interesting points. I find myself obsessing a lot, or I guess I should say moving from one obsession to another. |
| sonora sky |
Posted - 10/07/2006 : 21:15:26
littlebird,
What book on procrastination are you reading? That's one of my biggest demons. I've been thinking of starting a thread on it, because it is SO tied to perfectionism, a quality which many of us have. I've recently read "The Now Habit" by Niel Fiore, and have found it extremely helpful.
best,
ss |
| Littlebird |
Posted - 10/07/2006 : 20:39:17
Hi there,
Enjoyed your interesting thoughts on distractions, because I've kind of been looking at different areas of my life and thinking about how to separate any distractions that are covering up the emotional anger and pain from other things that go on in my life...trying to pin down the details so that I can say "this is definitely a distraction effort" or "this is something else." It's kind of reassuring to see others here doing the same kind of thinking. It makes me feel like I'll really be able to achieve the mindset that's needed to beat the TMS.
I've been reading a book on procrastination, which has become a problem for me because I am always afraid of starting something that's going to be too much for me, with the limited energy of fibro, and I was really surprised to find that the book talks about procrastination being all about avoiding emotional pain. But it makes sense for me.
If you haven't read Freedom From Fibromyalgia, which is also a TMS book, you might find it interesting. I read that last weekend and felt that some of the additional details that Dr. Selfridge goes into about her experience with TMS in the form of Fibro sx, and experiences of her co-author and patients were a nice addition to Dr. Sarno's information. She goes into more detail about how to journal, which was good for me, particularly the advice to focus on the mental and never write about physical sx. Although I'm still finding myself procrastinating on starting the journal, but I'm getting there.
Last weekend I decided I was obssessing about reading this forum, so I felt I ought to make myself take a few days off, but then I got caught up in another obssession. I do see some of the obssessions I get wrapped up in as distractions. And they often serve as excuses for procrastinating on other things.
It would be nice to emerge as who I really am--I think I'm still figuring out who that is, or at least who I'd like it to be.
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