| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| kether |
Posted - 09/10/2006 : 02:41:47
I want to thank whoever it was that recommended the book; "The Drama of The Gifted Child" by the famous psychoanalyst, Alice Miller a while back. I just finished reading it & took some of the most moving quotes & compiled a file for myself. I shared this with Miche, who encouraged me to share it with you all as well. hopefully it will be meaningful to someone else out there. It sure is for us 
Our true, repressed life story is stored up in our body, which attempts to recount it and be listened to, by way of symptoms. This is in fact for our own well-being, as denial is highly destructive to the adult. Demands to forgive and other moral issues do not reach our cells; they cannot fool them. Cells can indeed be manipulated and betrayed by drugs over a certain period of time. In the long run however, they can only cope with the truth. As soon as the truth can be slowly explored, thanks to conscious experience of once repressed feelings, the language of symptoms becomes superfluous. They simply disappear.
If we do not work on all three levels, body, feeling and mind - the symptoms keep returning, as the body goes on repeating the story stored in it's cells until it is finally listened to and understood. The truth about the past must be made accessible and stay that way for the rest of our lives. It is only illness that strives to express the almost extinguished hope of being listened to and understood. A person can recover even from serious illness if she is ready to live with her past instead of dying in opposition to it. A person must allow herself to feel the desperate rage that mistreatment has left buried deep inside of her. As her parents had done before, she was unconsciously rejecting herself, and her life. Feeling our own pain and not that of our parents is essential to the outcome of any therapy.
We are all prisoners of our childhood, whether we know it, suspect it, deny it or have never even heard about the possibility. We fear our repressed past and the experience of how helpless we once were. We have good reason to be afraid; if we did not, there would have been no need for repression. Yet the more we encounter our fear and dare to face its causes, the more it decreases.
For a child can only experience her feelings when there is somebody there who accepts her fully, understands her, and supports her. If that person is missing, if the child must risk losing the mother's love in order to feel, then she will repress her emotions. She cannot experience them secretly. "just for herself"; she will fail to experience them at all. But they will nevertheless stay in her body, in her cells, stored up as information that can be triggered by a later event. A child cannot experience her rage and anger, that would have led to the loss of her mother's love, and that, can mean the same as death.
If the repression stays unresolved, the parents' childhood tragedy in unconsciously continued on in their children. Quite unconsciously the mother tries to assuage her own needs through her child. She may love her child passionately , but not in the way he needs to be loved. This person will later live in the past without realizing it and will continue to react to past dangers as if they were present. What the mother had once failed to find in her own mother she was able to find in her own child; someone at her disposal who could be used as an echo and could be controlled, who was completely centered on her, would never desert her, and offered her full attention and admiration. If the child's demand became too great (as those of her mother once did) she was no longer so defenceless; she could refuse to be tyrannized; she could bring the child up in such a way that he neither cried nor disturbed her. At last she could make sure she received consideration, care and respect.
From the beginning I have been a little adult. Why must I suppress my distress or anxiety to fit another's needs? Can't I be angry and no one will die or get a headache because of it? Can I rage when you hurt me, without losing you? Who would have wanted a crying child? I could only win my mother's love if I was competent, understanding and controlled. If I ever questioned her actions or showed her how much I missed her that would have limited her freedom, which she needed so much. It would have turned her against me.... Moreover, compassion for her mother's sad life history hinders her from feeling her own plight; the image of her poor mother has blocked her feelings.
Every child forms his first image of what is "bad" quite concretely, by what is forbidden - by his parents' prohibitions, fears, and taboos. She will have a long way to go before she can free herself from these parental values and see without filters what he believed to be "badness" in herself. Nobody would have thought that this bright, competent and useful girl could be so lonely and suffered so much.
It is precisely because a child's feelings are so strong that they cannot be repressed without serious consequences. The stronger the prisoner is, the thicker the prison walls have to be, and unfortunately these walls also impede or completely prevent later emotional growth. It was not the pleasant or beautiful feelings that gave me insight, but the ones which I fought most strongly; feelings that made me experience myself as shabby, petty, mean, helpless, humiliated, demanding, resentful, sad, lonely, confused. I had shunned them far too long. In facing them it will then become possible the for old, unremembered situations to be experienced consciously in their full tragedy for the first time and be mourned at last. To recognize the full extent of the hurt that was endured.
Depression is experienced as emptiness, futility, loneliness and can usually be recognized as the tragic loss of the self in childhood, manifested as the total alienation from the self as an adult. The true opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain, but vitality - the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings, the entire range of human experience, envy, rage, grief, despair, goodness, beauty, happiness. All of it. Our access to our true self is possible only when we no longer have to be afraid of the intense emotional world of early childhood. We no longer require to be hidden behind the prison walls of illusion. If the feeling that begins to rise is not experienced, but reasoned away, the discovery can not take place, and depression will triumph.
The aim of therapy is not to correct the past, but to enable one to confront their own history and to finally grieve over it. One must discover early memories within herself and become consciously aware, so she can free herself from them. Then we will no longer be the mistreated children that we were once, children who must protect their parents and therefore need a scapegoat for the buried emotions that torment them.
The contents of the unconscious remain unchanged and timeless.
It is only as the contents become conscious that change can begin. |
| 9 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| robbokop |
Posted - 09/14/2006 : 10:44:36
Hi Phyllis,
You are not silly to feel that Christmas is a hard time. This is a time to share with your family, and the fact that you are not able to do that must be deeply upsetting and also enraging.
I think it's important that we don't underestimate the profound effect these events from our past have on our current lives. Equally important is not to skirt around the feelings, and feel like we shouldn't have them or that we should be OK because everyone around us seems to be.
As soon as you are thinking about symptoms, you are trying to avoid a deeply distressing emotion. In my case, the last few weeks have been a revelation - focusing in on my emotions and ignoring the symptoms has suddenly caused the repressed feelings to begin to shift. It's painful - the tendency is to want to stop, and focus on the symptoms instead or think about other things to avoid the unpleasant feelings, but stick with it and see where it leads - if you go into the emotion, it will pass in time however painful and you will start to heal.
I have also develped a hard shell as you call it, although I see mine more as a fortress. But in time, I believe with continued work, the fortress will begin to fade away and allow a more natural flow of emotions.
Good luck.
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| phyllis |
Posted - 09/14/2006 : 01:15:47
Thank you. I have been told by HilaryNto read a book called The Journey which I am going to try. It has arrived at my local library where I reserved it. We are going away for a week so lots of time to read!
The problem is that as a little kid you learn to be resistant to emotions and it makes you brittle with an invisible shell around you. As an adult this shell is very hard to break down.
I always thought a baby would help me, but I was unable to have one, so that was that!
The awful thing is that these people who were so cruel are still around. I have sometimes felt that I should confront the man as he is old and now doubt smaller than I am now!
However, that is equally scary so I will perservere with my books.
Despite this I am the clown and can make people laugh with my strong SOH. My students are great and know they can rib me in the nicest way.
It's the nights that get to me ......... and silly things like Christmas as I have no family.
I do have a good hubbie who has been great over theyears and very patient. |
| miehnesor |
Posted - 09/13/2006 : 23:31:24
quote:
Originally posted by phyllis
Now the hard bit begins where I have to face up to emotions that stay stuffed down inside me. I have nightmares about being locked in a room (asI was as a child) and am very claustrophobic. However, during the day I 'appear' fine and well balanced!
Phyllis- there is a saying in psychotherapy that "the only way out is through". Going through the pain of your childhood is something you are going to have to spend some time doing. It's going to hurt emotionally but there is liberation at the end and it's worth the pain IMO. I've been going through my stuff using inner child work and recommend it very highly. It's in line with what Alice Miller says which is nicely summarized above. Inner child work is the key to feeling repressed feelings. It just takes time and patience. |
| Michele |
Posted - 09/13/2006 : 11:50:58
quote:
Originally posted by phyllis
I mourn the loss of my childhood; no fun; no laughter; no physical contact with a loving adult.
But this mourning sits on my shoulder like a big black bird.
Any tips would be helpful to make me cry, which I am completely unable to do!
Phyllis, I am crying for you. Your post brought up a swell of emotions for me, and lots of tears. I can relate to some of your past, and especially the absence of physical contact with a loving adult. The only contact I can recall is the inappropriate touching by my uncle. If my mom and dad hugged me, or kissed me, I don't remember it, and that makes me extremely sad. Yes, I need to grieve the past and let it go. It is what it is.
My future gave me 2 beautiful boys who have grown into young men, who aren't ashamed of hugging and kissing their mother. It gives me a thrill every time I see my college son at his football games, all 6'5", 300 lbs. of him in his uniform and pads, and he ALWAYS comes over and hugs and kisses me. My problem now is letting him go emotionally . . . . . to be the man he is. |
| phyllis |
Posted - 09/13/2006 : 11:25:13
Thank you for kind words. I feel better than I did a week ago, but early days.
I am 'braver' with my back now. It still twinges when I sit down and get up again! I still cannot accept that this is not a 'getting older' thing!
I did do gardening the other day. I think the book certainly helps to change one's attitude to pain, and asks you not to 'obsess' about it. I used to wake up in the night panicking in case I was going to be disabled. I got the results of an x-ray I had two years ago, showed it to a practioner and he said 'Oh, yes that result would obviously apply to most of my age! In other words, slight wear and tear, but nothing 'significant'.
Onward and upward!
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| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 09/13/2006 : 10:57:45
phyllis,
You can still be anything you want to be.
To me that is one message that arises over the course of TMS treatment. Returning to normal activity is like breaking out of a prison. It makes all things seem possible. Learning about our own selves, our feelings, our likes and dislikes, also makes new things possible.
Talk to the child still inside. Try to give her love and space. Try to learn what she needs and wants.
Best to you.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| leonard |
Posted - 09/13/2006 : 06:43:56
kether ; Thank you for this summation of Alice Miller's book. I had started reading it after John Lee recommended it , but stopped after it seemed more appropriate for women. Your review helped me realize that it is true for both women and men. |
| Scottydog |
Posted - 09/11/2006 : 14:55:15
I'd been feeling depressed, wondering what sad childhood events could be making me feel this bad when I read Penny's reply
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2494&whichpage=2
on the RSI post.
---what would my inner child have done?
So thinking back to these difficult times - what would my inner child have done- of course they'd have cried and cried. If you put a child in unhappy situations beyond their control of course they'll cry.
After a tearful session I carried on as normal then suddenly, a few hours later, the depression lifted.
So maybe I've found a way to clear the depression clouds away.
Anne
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| phyllis |
Posted - 09/11/2006 : 05:10:51
Repression
Thank you for quotes of Alice Miller's book. They are very apt and interesting. I was fostered as a five year old in a very destructive situation. The foster parents had two children of their own.
Looking back I realise I was gifted and very bright. This was nurtured; instead it was jeered at and I learned to press it all down. I had read many Dickens' books by the age of 8.
I passed our 11+ at the age of 9 but missed a scholarship at a very good school because they moved house. After that, I lost heart and did eventually go to a good state schoolin another area, but never prospered.
I went to a village school when I was tiny with only 24 children in it. In adulthood I got in touch with my old teacher (she died in 200 at age 92). She told me I could have been anything I wanted to be as I soaked knowledge up 'like a sponge'.
Now the hard bit begins where I have to face up to emotions that stay stuffed down inside me. I have nightmares about being locked in a room (asI was as a child) and am very claustrophobic. However, during the day I 'appear' fine and well balanced!
I mourn the loss of my childhood; no fun; no laughter; no physical contact with a loving adult.
However, I do try to make up for lost time. I read good books, love classical music and nature.
But this mourning sits on my shoulder like a big black bird.
Any tips would be helpful to make me cry, which I am completely unable to do!
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