| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| marybeme |
Posted - 08/21/2006 : 15:12:39
I have been reading entries on this forum for a few months and finally thought I would post with my story. Mostly I thought it might help just to get it all out to a knowledgably empathetic audience, but like Vikki, I am looking for suggestions on how I can find improvement in getting the acceptance of TMS to release me from pain.
I first had lower back pain in 1991, not quite 30. I had recently completed a mini-triathalon, but looking back it was a time of great job stress, I had just begun dating the loser I would be with for almost six years, and I had lots of mixed feelings about my family relationships, plus all the typical perfectionist, low self esteem issues of TMS sufferers. Intense pain lasted at least six months, went to a doctor who said nothing structurally wrong and sent me to a back exercise clinic. While I stopped running for the first few weeks, I ignored the pain as much as possible and got back to my routine relatively quickly. Pain slowly resolved. Took up tennis, continued running, continued dating the loser, biked through Italy.
Had a horrible attack about 3 years later after a happy 8 mile run that left me prone for 3 days. Started swimming daily and pain resolved almost completely within 2 days. Tried to keep swimming up but I've never enjoyed it, so quit. Kept running, biking, tennis. Finally broke up with boyfriend. Went through job changes and discovered a dance class. Pain came and went in intensity for number of years, but I never let it keep me from jogging, biking or dance, which was very physically intense choreography.
Fast forward to 2000. Take a job that for the first time frees me from financial worry but is a nightmare. I decide to leave the job after only 4 months and the city I'd been living in for 14 years to move home to help take care of mother w/Alzheimer's. Of course, I have no problem getting a "great" new job quickly. Pain continues and increases. I try everything - back to swimming, walking, wearing flat shoes, more wine. I come to realize that I am stuck in a career field I really don't like because I have great track record in it and find it easy to move up to better and better jobs and I'm not sure I can be as comfortable doing anything else this late in the game. I have two severe attacks of back pain, one that nearly ruins a trip to Italy that occurs on the one year anniversary of my mother's death (to the day)and one about 18 months later when I finally really love a job and my boss betrays me and I realize I can no longer work for him. I keep exercising throughout all this except in the first few days of the severe episodes, including two weeks hiking in the Alps with no pain!
After the Italy episode, I discovered Dr. Sarno. I was one of those people who read the book, and my pain melted away. After a few months of no pain, I started to have some, but not very significant. However, after the last severe episode, reading the book did not provide relief, and I succumbed to the lure of seeing a chiropractor. Very minor relief, but when the pain disappeared completely immediately after a dance class, I realized the chiropractor was not helping me enough. Unfortunately the relief only last a few days. Some pain returned, but was mild, so I took a friend's suggestions and went to another chiropractor who was highly recommended as wonderful, holistic, yada yada, in the hope of warding off a future severe attack. Wasted lots of money with him, and after a few months gave up on it as I did not see any results, though my pain at this time was still relatively minor.
Got a new job, moved to a new city, away from family who had become my primary social life through the six years in the city my mother lived. Pain returns, not severe, but more intense and very regular. Rediscover Dr. Sarno. Read the other book, watched the CD, started journaling, found the forum and other web resources. I realize that there are lots of stresses in my life right now, lots of uncertainty about my new job, whether I will be happy in this brand new city, whether I put quite enough distance between me and my family, but I am really tired of being in pain.
I feel at this point that I definitely accept the TMS diagnosis. But my pain remains and is hard to ignore. I admit that I have not been jounaling that regularly, and I just ordered Dr. Schechter's workbook to help me get back on track there, but I do everything else to accept the diagnosis, recognize the pain is psychological,re-read sections of the Sarno books, digging through all my memories of things that cause me anger, fear, and shame, and I continue to not let TMS keep me from getting on with my life. I even adopted two dogs from a shelter and while they seem to have many more neuroses than I do, tending to them does not seem to be enough of a distraction for me (of course I want and expect to have perfect dogs!)
I don't really have any specific question. Just wanted to get all that off my chest. Two things I have not done is see a Doctor who specializes in TMS (none in this city) and do psychotherapy, but I feel like doing all the rest should help me make more significant progress than I have experienced, as I do accept the diagnosis already, and I don't feel I have significantly repressed feelings or scarring episodes from my childhood.
I suppose I must just keep on keeping on. I have lived with pain all these years and in bleak moments I feel I must resign myself to continue to plow through it.
Thanks for letting me share.
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| 2 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| sonora sky |
Posted - 08/22/2006 : 08:15:51
MB, you sound like a very active person, which is great, but I wonder if some of the activity may be distracting you (just like taking care of your new dogs) from your emotions. Those who always keep themselves "on the go" may not leave themselves enough time for inner reflection. You mentioned journaling, which is a good way to bring attention back to our emotions. A lot of people have had success with this, though I’m not one to talk: I’m always gung-ho in the beginning, but once the pain starts to improve, I find myself not finding the time to journal. . .
I often spend my vacations *not* relaxing or lying on a beach but running around seeing everything I possibly can. Of course it’s because I love to learn and see and do things, but again, I have to admit that there is also an element of distraction. What would I do with myself if I just sat around? If there was nothing to do? What would happen if you skipped hiking in the Alps and instead went on a meditation retreat? Have you tried any activities to increase your mindfulness or awareness of the present moment, such as meditation?
I hope these suggestions might help, 
SS
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| shari |
Posted - 08/21/2006 : 15:42:18
Seeing a TMS doctor is great idea. Your pain might not be TMS. But if it is, then you may consider psychotherapy. I plateaued at about 80% and started to get very discouraged. I started psychotherapy a few weeks ago and am making much progress now. A good psychologist will stress some important point that you may have dismissed as unimportant. |
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