| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 07/02/2006 : 14:54:14
Happy 4th and Happy Sunday to everyone on here...I hope this finds you have a better TMS day...I thought today I would try something different and journal right here for all of you to read, rather then in my notebook..It's easier to type anyway and I feel terribly lonely today, it's Sunday! Sounds crazy but i have grown to HATE SUNDAYS...They represent 'family day' to me and i have no family in Vegas and my folks died 16 yrs ago...I never married and have no children or close siblings...Whatever relatives I do have and love (neices/nephews/cousins) live in NJ and rarely call...It's out of sight out of mind and everyone is into their own lives...I do have a cousin DeeDee who calls alot, thank God..but other then that...the whole LACK OF FAMILY thing and feeling unacceptable by family is probably the biggest ROOT CAUSE of my TMS...
It just seems like since my parents divorce when i was in my late teens everyone has gone their separate ways, including me...I was so devastated by the divorce and the death of my boyfriend (LOML) when I was 19 that i went off to college near NYC and just tried to forget about it all...I sunk myself into the books..(had no choice i was a Math and Psychology major and the math was tough enough to force one to study unless you wanted bad grades) so i studied and ended up graduating magna cum laude..I love college...made new friends, felt independent and free...It was like another world to me, but DEEP DOWN INSIDE i was missing my family being together and DEFINITELY missing Dennis...still do...Sometimes i think that I never married because i am always trying to find someone as amazing as Dennis, no one comes close..
Sundays when I was little used to BE FUN!!! We would all go to my grandparents or aunts and have good old NJ BBQ's in the backyard...I could cry right now just missing that part alone..and the beaches of course! Every summer my parents, sister and cousin would go rent the same beach house in Manasquan, NJ..I even remember the address 529 Brielle Road! I went there once as an adult with my best pal from college Joe..(he also died a few years ago in his jeep while driving on the icy roads)..Joe and i went to this house and i knocked on the door and said that i used to stay here as a kid every August..could i come in and see my old room, lol...They were very kind and invited me in..It looked the same and I felt happy there...I know i know...I am STUCK in my PAST..isn't it so obvious and very sad...
But my past was so much happier in alot of ways then the present many years...Seems like since i moved to Vegas i have had so much bad luck...or maybe just so much TMS...at least where the injuries not healing right are concerned...IT's been the neck (bad car accident in 95) to the knees to the back...ad nauseum! And then the MVP, skipped beats in my heart which still come and go...5 friends have died on me WAY TOO SOON in life since i moved out here to LV of various reasons and of various ages...3 were very close,like family...So talk about GRIEF, i don't even know who i am grieving over i have so many on the other side..Sometimes i look forward to death thinking, well..i will have a whole army of loved ones waiting for me and we can all hang out and eat chocolate, pizza and ice cream and never gain weight!
Wow..i am going all over the place w/ this journal entry...and that's ok...Hope you are not too bored...whoever is reading...thanx in advance for caring enough to read it in the first place...
Back to my thoughts...So here i am in Vegas and my roomie/surrogate bro is w/ his family, like every Sunday and I am here alone (i don't go for various reasons, long story..just feel like an outsider and i cannot go now cuz of the neck anyway)...It's like 150 degrees...well actually about 107, no foolin...and I am stuck inside w/ this neck TMS...just thinking about it makes me ANGRY..wish i could make that is REALLY BIG LETTERS! I am so fed up with being in constant pain for this long and constant worry that if i move a certain way, etc..it will get worse cuz it does, whether it is conditioning or not, it gets worse w/ various activities..And i CANNOT HARDLY move my neck...it's just STUCK! Which terrifys me cuz i just cannot imagine how the heck i am going to get the mobility back again...Well i guess i better START IMAGINING IT...Fred Amir talks aobut the importance of visualization and positive thinking in our recovery from TMS..
But when i try to look UP, I cannot at all..and if i try to FORCE IT...WHEW IT GETS MUCH WORSE...so i cannot force it b4 it or I am ready...ALL THE GRIEF, SADNESS, RAGE, LONELINESS, FRUSTRATION, FEAR, WORRY HAD JUST LODGED ITSELF IN MY POOR NECK AND IT HAD IT LITERALLY STUCK IN PLACE! And just b4 this setback 5 weeks ago I was stressing about money issues (the starving artist thing) and about how the little family i have less doesn't give a sh*t about me, for the most part..Or so it seems...A few cousins and one Aunt does care alot...But the rest, esp. my sister Kathy..she couldn't care less...Only calls me when she needs to talk,,,doens't EVER EVER just call to see HOW I AM DOING..very self absorbed...always has been..And although she is 9 years older then me, I have always been the RESPONSIBLE one when my parents were dying, when my Grandma needed someone to move in w/ her, etc..My sister didn't help AT ALL..but she sure wanted to make sure she was IN THE WILL! And my Grandma wanted to give Me EVERYTHING...i refused and said give half to Kathy..Now she is living in a nice condo that SHE OWNS and wouldn't have if I didn't tell my grandma to put her in the will! And i own nothing but my 97 Maxima and my 2 doggies..who mean the world to me..I have NO SAVINGS and just live week to week on art sales and a few voice students i teach...Am i angry and KATHY you BET I AM...more then words can say and i know it is sooooooo unhealthy for me..If i try to tell her or talk civil about these things she just freaks out..and i want to keep peace for my neices and nephews sakes so i do...And that is part of why i moved THIS FAR AWAY..to be away from her..I love her yes, i was programmed by society to love her..Do i like her..NO NO NO NO AND NO! SHe has drove nuts or hurt every single family member that i love at one time or another...not just me! How in the heck do i get this RAGE toward her OUT OF MY UNCONSCIOUS when i have alot even consciously that is still active..yet when she called on my bday i was nice and loving...She was too...We pretend we like each other but we don't...and She is my only sibling...poor me! My friends are my family, always have been...I have lots of surrogate brothers and sisters, even live with one who is a delight to say the least..He is just plain wonderful!
HMM...I SURE HOPE I AM GETTING RID OF SOME OF THIS ANGRY AS I WRITE! That would be awesome...As a Christian/Jew...hehe..I know Susie a bit of an oxymoron I am...(said w/ a smile) I just believe in harmony and forgiveness yet i cannot seem to forgive my sister...i mean really forgive her...I got all the physical TMS manifestations and she got the mental..She has been on Xanax for years for anxiety attackes..When i lived there i had to drive her places and go hold her hand at the dentist, etc...I didn't mind cuz i love to help people but she has always been 2 steps away from a basket case and it is a burden for everyone...I am thinking if she ever knew really how i feel it would hurt her and I don't want to hurt her cuz i do love her..HERE COMES THE GUILT MONSTER...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh this is maddening..>Many friends thru the years have said DROP HER out of your life...she is not worth the stress she brings...yes but...I have so little family and my one neice will probalby side w/ her and turn against me if i dropped my sister...I cannot handle that rejection...
My mom always favored me over my sister as did my father in my very early years and then again just b4 he died...In the years in between he favored her...The extended family (aunts) tend to favor her because she took the NORMAL ROAD and got married (well, eloped) and had kids...Me, I was a gypsy singer/artist travelling for many years singing on the road and never had kids or married..not yet anyway...So i kind of took myself away from home alot and am therefore partly responsible for being so on theoutside of things...
My neices and friends were so upset when i moved to AUstria to sing in 94 and then to Vegas afterwards...It was my decision to move away..Ironically i feel the LEAST LONELY in EUROPE...away from everyone..strange,huh..Okay my hands are tingling like crazy the shoulders/neck tightening more so i better stop...Whew hope you got something out of it...if anything maybe you can appreciate the loving family members even more that you are blessed enough to have around you...Nothing is worse then dealing w/ all of this essentially alone...
God blessings to you all...and happy 4th...
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| 2 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 07/02/2006 : 16:51:41
Thanx Susie, Your message was so full of good vibes and encouraging support...I am very grateful to you..I wish we lived in the same state, we could have spent some time together today..Although I am not exactly the most fun person to be around right now, stuck at home...Again, your encouragement means so much to me...Thanx dear friend!!! |
| Susie |
Posted - 07/02/2006 : 16:37:46
Karen, I think you are doing fabulous. You have dug right in and have begun the work. Don't feel alone. We all have friends and family but all experience the "very alone" feeling. For me it's the worst when I have alot of down time. Today was slow and I also was lonely. I'm very high energy and am at my best when I have 40 things to do. You are imprisoned with down time because of your tms attack. I know you will feel better soon and move thru this. Journaling forces one to be honest with themself and therefore, really puts one in touch with reality. You know, alone can also be a positive, giving you time to reflect and really figure out what you really want. |
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