| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| jgluski |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 18:35:58
Wow, I just read the Mindy Body Prescription and had no IDEA how angry I was about certain things and a lot that I sacrificed for my fiancé! (or ex not sure where we stand) I just let it out in my apartment, by myself and shredded a couch pillow with my bear hands.
I feel much better to say the least.
So do I tell her kindly that I have a lot of repressed anger against her? I think it would be very therapeutic. I think she could handle it if I told her the right way. We both want to work things out and are madly in love with each other. Everytime she comes back to me the TMS kicks back in. It’s getting more and more manageable.
In 7 years I've never had any "reactions" to her, so its not like we can't get along...
Has anyone done this? I'm sure somebody has.
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| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 11:10:40
jg,
Thanks for raising this topic. It really resonates with me right now because I am having some problems in my relationship with my boyfriend. I have a lot of unconscious anger at him which is causing (I think) withdrawal and sexual difficulties on my side. I did tell him that I am working on some serious emotional stuff and he is understanding about that. I was thinking about whether I should explain that some of it is rage at him, but I figured it would hurt him without solving anything. The problems that cause rage are often not things he can change or that I even want to change consciously, just my unconscious is annoyed. He is understanding about the general issue and that seems to be good. But I definitely do need to vent it so that I can enjoy my time and relationship with him! So I will work on another way, maybe pound a pillow like you did -- tho I don't think I could shred it!
I guess if there are specific problems that I see that should be fixed, after I do some processing, maybe I will bring them up. That might be a kind of happy medium. (My inner child hates happy mediums!) Hilary mentioned a book that I read and had kind of forgotten about, Nonviolent Communication, which is really useful...I need to find a copy of it again.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| nd2139 |
Posted - 07/04/2006 : 18:37:55
Great postings! Rage talk is so good!
Jgluski, I agree with the other posters that saying your unconscious rage to the person probably isn't a good idea. Even if you tell her the whole story of unconscious rage and that it doens't have anything to do with her she'll probably think "what's wrong with him?".
I'm going to sound romantic, but in my opinion it's good if your significant one is aware of your unconscious drives and all your nasty tendencies and loves you anyway. However I don't think this is a prerequisit for a relationship to be successful (fortunately).
Also, I love that you use the word "sacrifice." Consciously we are capable of unconditional gifts (i.e. giving without expecting anything in return) but unconsciously we just can't do that. The unconscious always expects something in return at least as good as what you are giving. So since you love her you may want to do all kinds of very commandable things for her, but when you do, unconsciously you are pissed.
So, in my opinion it's good to sacrifice things for your fiancee. That's how she knows you love her, and I'm sure she also sacrifices things for you you don't even know about. Also, please continue being in rage about it (in fact, you have no choice on this!) and screaming in the car, punching soft inanimate objects, cursing at the newsman on TV (he can't hear you), etc. |
| wolf29 |
Posted - 07/04/2006 : 18:14:12
I've found that a good way to vent my anger is with something I also need to do to help myself... exercise. I've stopped doing certain exercises for fear of hurting myself but realize I must do "even the most vigorous" to challenge my TMS. Not only does that tackle one hurdle.. fear of exercise, but it vents my anger as I can take it out on the weights instead of someone I love |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 07/04/2006 : 09:31:14
Again bdystore your posts are helping me...Made me think about the 'sacrifice' I made when I chose to not move back to NJ 3 years ago upon the request of my roomie/bro...I had blamed him for awhile til I got real honest and realized that although part of the reason i didn't move back was 'for him' some of it was because I didn't want to live in the same state again as my sister...And some of the reason was just because of plain old fear...moving is a big step and geographicals never work, or so i am told...There is that saying...
"Wherever you go, there you are.." |
| bdystore |
Posted - 07/03/2006 : 23:54:25
quote:
Originally posted by jgluski
Wow, I just read the Mindy Body Prescription and had no IDEA how angry I was about certain things and a lot that I sacrificed for my fiancé! (or ex not sure where we stand) I just let it out in my apartment, by myself and shredded a couch pillow with my bear hands.
Sacrifice is defined:
The act of offering something to a deity in propitiation or homage, especially the ritual slaughter of an animal or a person.
A victim offered in this way.
Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim.
Something so forfeited.
Relinquishment of something at less than its presumed value.
Something so relinquished.
A loss so sustained.
Define your sacrifice, why you made it and who asked you to. Be honest. That should deflate some of your anger and blame. If you still feel that the "sacrifices" you have made are a by product of your relationship, then it might be time to talk.
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| miche |
Posted - 07/01/2006 : 12:38:56
Hilary, I have read such books and wanted to explain these concepts but did not have the vocabulary, so glad you did as I feel these are important tools in expressing feelings, glad you picked up where I left off. |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 07/01/2006 : 04:49:57
I agree with the excellent advice given here.
At the same time, if you want to share you feelings (having first vented it on the pillow/journal) I highly recommend the book “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall B. Rosenberg. It encourages you to tune in to your own needs and feelings as well as those of the person you are communicating with and to express those feelings in such a way as to not give offence – i.e. by taking responsibility for your own feelings and not making the other person feel responsible.
Here’s an example from the book:
“Note the difference between the following expressions of disappointment:
Example 1
A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.”
B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”
Speaker A attributes responsibility for the disappointment solely to the action of the other person. In B, the feeling of disappointment is traced to the speaker’s own desire that was not being fulfilled.”
It would be a good idea if your fiancée also read The Mindbody Prescription so she can understand what’s going on.
Hilary N |
| miche |
Posted - 06/30/2006 : 22:59:33
For me, journaling is the best way to vent my anger, sometimes when I read my entries a few days later I am embarrassed by what I wrote , sometimes I feel kind of silly to have had such strong emotions about a particular happening, I suppose that in itself demonstrates my reluctance in accepting anger, I feel so strongly about it when I write yet try to minimize it later, still there should be a happy medium, being able to stand up for yourself without being hurtful, had I voiced what I wrote at times would indeed have been hurtful to some people yet it remains good therapy for me. |
| JohnD |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 20:22:53
You can unload the rage without unloading it on the person who you think you are mad at. Rage is not logical, it comes from the child within us, and not much good can come from expressing it towards someone else (besides the fact that its just plain insensitive). If the goal is to heal yourself, then there are many other better outlets for expressing yourself. And if the goal is to bring both of you closer together, then I wouldn't go the route of expressing rage either. |
| jgluski |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 19:47:12
Thanks Carolyn... that first paragraph you wrote is all too true. If I really let her know how I feel she'd think I'm totally nuts or I'd make her cry, but otherwise I'd be repressing even more |
| Carolyn |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 19:27:49
In my opinion, it's not a good idea to try to vent your rage by sharing it with someone you love. First of all, since you care about the person you will be holding back which is still repressing and secondly, your emotions will probably seem out of proportion to what caused them and if you don't hold back, you risk alienating the person.
Shredding the couch pillow was probably a good place to start. You may also want to try writing it all down- every nasty thought- but just for your own eyes. Your anger is really not her issue, it is yours. Once you have vented it in private and taken the edge off, then if you feel you need to you can share with her that you seem to have a lot of strong emotions about your relationship that you are trying to understand. |
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