| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| atg |
Posted - 02/06/2006 : 04:15:56
In an earlier thread we talked about the underlying feeling of incompetence/worthlessness and the corresponding public presentation of competence/high worth. Don Dubin (TMS therapist) has found in many cases that pain arises when you deny an essential part of your "true self" from being expressed. I thought I might write about my afternoon and the gap between my public self and my private self.
I went to my friend's superbowl party and was having a good time. I noticed that I was "on" at first, and people were laughing at my jokes, addressing ME when talking to the room, and re-showing plays that I missed when in the other room via tivo. It made me feel special; alpha male-esque, and important. It also made me feel like a fraud, like it was just a matter of time before they realized that I said dumb things, talked too much, was annoying, and should be ignored (basically the way I was looked at back in jr. high school.) Additionally I felt pressure to keep it up, and fear that they were "catching on."
About halfway through the game, I started feeling self-conscious and was feeling shame. I clammed up a bit, felt less confident, and had thoughts that they were going to realize that I was lame and not how they first looked at me. Every funny thing I said carried so much weight; if they laughed at it, I was accepted- still highly worthy in their eyes- I passed the test. If they didn't laugh, I failed the test- they saw through me, I had little worth in their eyes.
Just writing out and seeing how much weight I put on how I'm perceived in social situations... it's no wonder I have physical pain.
I believe that bridging the gap between my private self and public self (or accepting that part of me that feels worthless, insecure, etc.) is an important step to reducing the pain, but I'm not sure exactly how to do that, how to go from the theoretical to the practical. I think that putting my inside feelings and thoughts- the ones that I don't want anyone to see- on this very forum for others to see is a first step. Exposing my true self that I've hidden for so long (except for close friends, girlfriend, & therapist) for others to see seems like a good way to start accepting it for myself.
Alan |
| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| yowire |
Posted - 02/12/2006 : 16:39:35
Hi Curiosity,
Yes, I had read your previous posts with interest. I think that the answer might be, that for some people, feelings of low self worth may be just another TMS equivalent, a distraction from something else. You and I may fall into this category. So focusing on and digging into our feelings of low self worth may be equivalent to a person with back pain focusing on and concentrating on their back pain.
With this in mind, I have made a radical change in the way I go about journalling and thinking psychologically. For example, let's say I was getting behind in some projects I was working on. What I used to do when journalling was to write about how angry I was at myself for failing do what I needed to do. Then this would lead me into writing about my low self esteem issues and how I felt I was worthless and incompetent and pathetic. Now, instead, I take the same situation and write that I'm angry that I put pressure on myself to be get things done and to be the perfect man when, unconsciously, I don't want to be bothered and on top of that I am enraged about all the self criticism. I have found that these feelings are really there and they have gone unexpressed for a very long time.
So far, it really feels right. I almost feel as though a weight has been lifted from me. I'll have to wait and see if this is only temporary or is a real effect. I've noticed my symptoms are moving around like crazy. This is always a good sign.
This is not to say that others who are feeling inadequate won't benefit from accepting their feelings of low self worth as has been reported. For me, I think it is a distraction from something else. However, I admit that I might be wrong. Only time will tell.
Yowire |
| Curiosity18 |
Posted - 02/10/2006 : 00:10:32
Yowire,
I think that you're really on to something significant. As I stated in an earlier post, I worked diligently for a long time with a TMS therapist on exploring and accepting my feelings of worthlessness and poor self-esteem. I only became more depressed and hopeless about my life, and my pain greatly worsened. Perhaps I needed to also look at possible rage generated by this process instead of continuing deeper into this tunnel of despair! I think I will follow your example in further exploring the inner rage I might be generating at the weight of all my negative self-talk. For myself, acceptance and surrender were not enough to heal.
Curiosity
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| yowire |
Posted - 02/09/2006 : 09:51:26
This issue seems to be at the very heart of TMS.
On page 22 of The Mindbody Prescription, Dr. Sarno states:
quote:
Deeply repressed feelings of inadequacy foster the development of personality traits that are almost universal in people with TMS.
He goes on to explain that our personality traits are what causes the accumulation of repressed rage. This seems to suggest that our repressed feelings of inadequacy are even more primary than the rage.
These personality traits include our feelings of low self worth. As such, it raises a question about how to proceed with our TMS therapeutic work. As an example, my own personality is strongly influenced by conscious feelings of low self esteem and inadequacy. When I become aware of these feelings, I try to go deeper emotionally. What happens is that I feel the feelings of low self worth even more intensely. However, as Baseball65 has said:
quote:
"Everything is my fault"
"If it fails,it's because of me"
"I am the problem"
"It'll never work"
"I suck"
these are all floating around in the not too deep consciousness of every TMS sufferer.Problem is...Mikey doesn't like it(the 6 year old megalomaniac/sadist/hedonist
I agree with Baseball. The child must be pissed off at all the self criticism. It has to be. Dr. Sarno mentions this also. Herein lies the dilemma. If we accept and surrender to our feelings of low self worth, does the child become enraged or is it relieved that its true feelings have finally been expressed?
Any thoughts?
From now on, Instead of just trying to feel and search for the underlying reasons for my low self worth, I will also acknowledge and try to feel the anger and resentment that the child feels at all the weight of my criticisms.
Thanks to all who have posted on this subject.
Yowire |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 02/08/2006 : 16:06:15
For God's sake ....FINALLY !!
Alan...you don't know how happy you've made me.I haven't seen someone 'get it' in so long,you make it all seem worthwhile.I am certain you will recover,probably very quickly.
The ability to be that candid is what is going to be the key to your recovery.It's like an archaelogical dig and the more time and effort you put into it,the quicker you get results...as LONG as you're digging in the right place
Shame,fear and such are at the very crux of our ego's and the arising conflicts.This is the very best medicine in the 'thinking psychological' part of the deal.
Keep in mind,that if that is what you're aware of(which is a lot),it is only an eenth of the iceberg of rage/frustration/shame/anger that you're entire being is harbouring.
I'm glad you posted that...it just made my afternoon .However,keep in mind that it is the 'keeping it in mind' that is the cure.We don't have to actually 'solve' ourselves to recover...merely knowing that it is where the true problem lies..... the reverse process of what caused our dilemma in the first place(unaware)....that assures of us recovery.
"Everything is my fault"
"If it fails,it's because of me"
"I am the problem"
"It'll never work"
"I suck"
these are all floating around in the not too deep consciousness of every TMS sufferer.Problem is...Mikey doesn't like it(the 6 year old megalomaniac/sadist/hedonist)
We never get to meet Mikey.He's there and we can see his shadow,but we just don't see him.Ever.
For a 100%recovery,we don't need to meet him,just know that he doesn't dig the rejection,shame,frustration...and our mind is wired to make sure the two don't meet...via TMS.
When he finally realizes you knows about him,he shuts up and the symptoms cease.
You my friend are well on your way.
-Right on
-(sorry if anybodies name is really Mikey....I just thought that commercial would make a nice metaphor....if you don't know who Mikey is,you're a lot younger than me)
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| 2scoops |
Posted - 02/08/2006 : 14:36:16
Good insight Alan. That is something I have not thought about. Are you working with Don Dublin?
I thought about doing therapy over the phone but it is pretty expensive and I may not have my job that much longer.
Did you give you anymore insight?
I have heard that is is pretty big on influences in our childhood that can cause the TMS personality. But it's hard for me to remember. |
| Hilary |
Posted - 02/08/2006 : 14:26:30
That's an incredibly helpful perspective on the whole self-consciousness issue, Anne. We're all way too wrapped up in ourselves
to notice someone else's blunder. I can't recall a single instance of someone else's intense discomfort.
quote:
Originally posted by Scottydog
no they're not. They are too busy waiting for the opportunity to come out with THEIR witty riposte so that they can be the fun, popular centre of attention.
If you think back to the most horribly humiliating situation you got yourself into you can probably remember every detail, who was there and how awful you felt. But can you remember occasions when this happened to someone you were with. What stupid thing he said, what was everyone's mocking response, how upset the person looked after he'd said it.
Well, I can't really recount any of the second instance so I am obviously so wrapped in myself and how I appear to others that I haven't time to take in what anyone else is doing.
Maybe it's only me.
Anne
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| Scottydog |
Posted - 02/08/2006 : 14:12:02
"If they didn't laugh, I failed the test- they saw through me, I had little worth in their eyes"
I think most people feel this way - especially if they are in a situation that they aren't used to. So if you do alot of public speaking you can handle the poorly received joke but most ordinary folk (the majority) feel embarrassed.
"people are judging us, and some are looking for any weak link to take advantage"
----- no they're not. They are too busy waiting for the opportunity to come out with THEIR witty riposte so that they can be the fun, popular centre of attention.
If you think back to the most horribly humiliating situation you got yourself into you can probably remember every detail, who was there and how awful you felt. But can you remember occasions when this happened to someone you were with. What stupid thing he said, what was everyone's mocking response, how upset the person looked after he'd said it.
Well, I can't really recount any of the second instance so I am obviously so wrapped in myself and how I appear to others that I haven't time to take in what anyone else is doing.
Maybe it's only me.
Anne |
| atg |
Posted - 02/08/2006 : 13:18:15
Dave,
Thanks for your feedback. Coincidentally, my therapist told me the same thing yesterday, that I am not good at feeling. I always thought I was, that is a hard thing to come to grips with.
Leonard,
I'm not exactly sure, but here's my best explanation from a psychodynamic viewpoint. If you hide a part of yourself (or hide anything for that matter) it is attached with shame; something that must be kept from others. Slowly starting to express this part of yourself that you've always hidden, and having it be accepted by others, you gradually begin to accept it yourself, and it becomes less shameful.
I suppose if you're in an environment that is very cutthroat and people would expose and exploit your weaknesses, it would not be a safe place to be vulnerable. Happily though, most people tend to be pretty accepting as we are much harder on the parts of ourselves we don't like than others are.
The role of some therapists is to provide that safe holding environment where patients can begin to gradually express their true selves. It doesn't have to be a therapist though. Close friends or even this board could serve the same purpose.
Alan |
| Hilary |
Posted - 02/08/2006 : 11:31:01
I've suffered from "secret" social anxiety for years. I'm outwardly confident and outgoing, but inwardly scared of social situations and fixated on making a good/intelligent/witty/etc impression. I'm now convinced that the pressure I put myself under during social situations is the major contributor to my TMS. Low self-esteem fits into social anxiety like a hand into a glove.
I'm doing a lot of cognitive work at the moment on my social anxiety and it's helping a lot. This is feeding back into helping my TMS by stopping the repetitive negative thinking and raising my self-esteem, thereby taking the pressure of the self.
I've come to the conclusion that social anxiety is one occasion where cognitive therapy can, in a roundabout sort of way, help TMS a great deal. |
| leonard |
Posted - 02/07/2006 : 16:48:09
Alan , I really appreciate your posts , present and past. I've thought at length on this topic and realized that I have had similar situations in my life. Sometimes I have left social events asking myself , " Who The Heck Was That?" and not really liking the person I was portraying to be. However, I didn't have a feeling of worthlessness , but more of chagrin and anger for not asserting myself.
Where I get puzzled is in regard to the " true self " and it's desire to express itself in a public gathering. If it is true that I feel inadequate , incomplete , worthless, how do I and what benefit is there in showing others this ? For almost all of us there is a desire to be liked , loved , and appreciated for who we really are , but personally I don't believe that occurs except with the most intimate people in our lives. If your need to do this is primarily to open your heart to your " true self " , why is it important for others to be there?
What Dave says about " the real you " behavior during the first part of the party may indeed be true , but I think that social situations are competitive , people are judging us, and some are looking for any weak link to take advantage. That to me can cause as much anxiety as trying to keep a certain superficial demeanor.
From your earlier posts , and your helpful writing , I have felt better using acceptance and surrender . It seems to relax me and lessen the tension. Thanks.
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| Dave |
Posted - 02/06/2006 : 07:49:47
You are very insightful. The need to keep up a certain outward appearance puts tremendous pressure on yourself. There is a need to appear strong and in control, while inside you feel exactly the opposite. It can generate tremendous anxiety.
You need to realize that your behavior during the first part of the party is the real you. How long was it until you "noticed" your behavior? Weren't you just having fun at first, not being self-conscious? Then at some point you started "running up into your head" and analyzing and putting yourself down and creating fantasies about how other people perceive you.
Try to realize that those thoughts are part of the TMS syndrome. They are irrational. These are your friends, they are not judging you, they are not testing you. This is anxiety in your own mind, a TMS symptom.
You do have to accept the feelings of insecurity, but also try to figure out where they come from. Slowly but surely as you learn about yourself you will be able to banish these thoughts and learn to be yourself. Be totally open and uncensored with your therapist. Journal about your innermost feelings, just let it flow.
Like many TMS-prone people you're very good at thinking but not at feeling. But you're on the right track. Don't worry so much about how to do this. There is no technique to follow. Everybody has to take their own path. Many people cannot even come to accept the insights that you have already made about yourself. |
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