| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Eket |
Posted - 08/13/2004 : 12:25:23
It's been a while since my last post, in this one i'll distribute my findings so far on my quest to recovery, and also mild confusion that comes with it.
First of all, i've been pain free for nearly 2 weeks now, i had been writing a TMS journal of my experiences each day, and on each day my findings of each journaling session. This helped quite a bit better then simply making a list, also on each day i would say something to my brain like i ain't going to let you beat me.
Another helpful tool in my case was listening to certain types of music while journaling. You have sad songs, you have upbeat songs, you have really serious songs and the list goes on and on. I've noticed that listening to each type of music, helps me focus on emotions in that field the music describes. For example, the music of losing someone, it helps me focus on those people that i have lost. Music about love.... Really calm and soothing music, which helps in calming myself of course and again to focus on emotions, like a trigger to keep on searching.
I've also when i had the time meditated, or just thought about my day at the end of it while getting ready to sleep, this too has proven useful.
I believe i have been very deep into mind, all the way to my childhood, and even cried at times and the pain did subside again if i had some. I also understand why it gives me pain at certain times much better then before, like after extensive use of the computer and kickboxing i found myself in more pain, it's understandable to me that hte pain would return then, since at first i believed that, that was the cause of my pain when i still though physical. Still, however i'm having trouble fighting against that.
I wondered why this was, at first i though fear. But no, i do not fear the activity itself, i have only 1 fear and that is of the pain returning spite my efforts and with that comes minor doubt in the tms diagnosis, i am aware of these so why today does my pain return? I am aware of a lot of pressures that enrage me, be they past, present or future, i know them. This is the part where the confusion comes in play...
I hope that some of you will find my own findings to be somewhat useful, but i am still learning. And am eager to learn more...
And thanks for any advice you can give me. |
| 3 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Suzanne |
Posted - 08/14/2004 : 11:10:17
quote:
Originally posted by Eket
I'm still working on banishing the fear of returning pain. Fear that i'll be in pain forever, fear that the tms diagnosis won't work for me, fear of having setbacks, fear of having to battle all my life against this god forsaken screw up in our mind. We run scandisk on our computer, we should have that in our mind and fix up some of the screw ups it makes, damn it. How can one banish all of these fears... how do you do it...
Eket,
You're not alone with your fears. When my pain starts to subside and I feel I'm making progress, that fear of a setback pops up. And when the pain continues for weeks on end, I, too, worry (fear) I'll be battling this forever. Maybe we will be "battling" it forever, but NOT in pain forever. We'll just be keeping the TMS away once we WIN the battle. You seem to be making good progress.
You said something above that I said quite some time ago, and Kenny V pointed out to me in the CONDITIONING thread here recently.
I'd said:
"I wish they had "Norton Systemworks" for the mind, so that they could find the "damaged file" (or files), and the exact filename and repair it! Or even repair the whole main directory!"
And that's our job. And like those repair utilities for our computers, sometimes they can't fix a corrupted file, and we need to rebuild it or fix it ourselves. Much more difficult than the quick fix (Scandisk, Systemworks — equal to a "magic pill", some easy way to the answers to ending the TMS pain cycle) but required.
I'm still trying to banish those fears myself, so I can't offer suggestions. 
But reading other people's sucesses, and knowing that TMS CAN be beat, recently reading Fred Amir's book and knowing he was far worse off than I am and beat TMS into the ground; this all helps me to at least put these fears to rest for as long as I possibly can. I just try to keep positive, but I don't know how to control my mind when it decides to look at the situation as hopeless. I do my best and tell my mind that TMS is not forever and to cut the cr@p. I might still feel the worry, but I do try hard to keep myself from slipping into complete hopelessness, because then TMS has won, and it surely will never go away then. |
| Eket |
Posted - 08/14/2004 : 01:47:39
Yes, I too have found that talking to my brain has been very effective, it seems i'm pain free this morning as well.
Thanks for your reply
Edit: I guess i'm not that far into the process as i thought. I'm still working on banishing the fear of returning pain. Fear that i'll be in pain forever, fear that the tms diagnosis won't work for me, fear of having setbacks, fear of having to battle all my life against this god forsaken screw up in our mind. We run scandisk on our computer, we should have that in our mind and fix up some of the screw ups it makes, damn it. How can one banish all of these fears... how do you do it... |
| FarmerEd |
Posted - 08/13/2004 : 19:56:19
Hello Eket,
You wrote: "i have only 1 fear and that is of the pain returning spite my efforts and with that comes minor doubt in the tms diagnosis, i am aware of these so why today does my pain return?"
I believe this question also has the answer in it. You say that when the pain returns, minor doubts about the truth of the TMS diagnosis also come. Your mind is testing your resolve and trying to break it. It is a sure sign you have your TMS on the run. As many have stated on this board, defeating TMS is a process. Unwavering belief that the TMS diagnosis is correct takes time and persistance. Along the way your mind will try all kinds of things to get you to doubt and give up. I've been pain free in my back for 2 years now but from time to time my mind comes up with new ways to try to get me.
I'm beginning to believe that, in my case anyway, TMS will be a lifelong battle. A sort of on again, off again, cat and mouse game that I will have to apply Sarno's principles to from time to time.
One thing that helped me in the beginning was actually talking to my brain. When the pain came back as it has in your case I said something along the line of, "Okay brain, pitch you fit, I don't care how long you keep this up I'm not going to quit. I know there is nothing structurally wrong with me and as soon as you calm down we're going to go back to physical activities until you give this up." As soon as the pain was at a tolerable level I went back to physical activities. While I waited I would use the time to reflect on the things in my life that were causing my unconscious mind rage which is exactly what it does not want. Over time the bouts of pain got fewer and less severe till they stopped completely. Hang in there!! |
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