| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Suzanne |
Posted - 08/12/2004 : 11:14:55
It's amazing how TMS can sometimes show itself so obviously, and we can miss the trigger even when it's right in our faces. At least in my cases.
I'm now on day 4 of severe symptoms. Yesterday, I figured out, with the help of my TMS psychologist, why.
Over the weekend, I went house-hunting. Throwing rent into places for 6 years is like flushing money down the toilet, so I decided to check the market and see what's out there. I'm 38 and don't make that much money. I went all over town, and jotted down every home that looked resonable, and then went to a real estate agent and sat there as he printed out all the listings for our area. The numbers really freaked me out, but I remained calm.
The prior days, Wed. through Fri., I had a great deal of work and pressure, and I worried that come Monday, my boss wouldn't be satisfied with what I produced. I even continued the jobs over the weekend during the evenings. I was convinced that my stress from worrying about the ad I was working on, and the 3 jobs right behind it, were going to cause me to crack. I was very worried about being told my ad was no good and I didn't do enough work Wed.-Fri. when I showed up on Monday.
Also, I have a friend, who isn't being a friend at this time because he is basically harassing me by pressuring me and saying I'm not a good enough friend and that I avoid conflicts and always take the easy way out, and when he and another friend had a spat, I refused to get involved, therfore he insists I didn't care about him and must not be a real friend. For 2 weeks now, he's been bombarding me via email, IM's, etc. with rantings on how I lacked to remember birthdays, don't call, never do this or that, etc. Basically guilt-tripping me. I explained my "goodist" nature, that I wanted to resolve it in an amicable way, and that I felt he was losing his marbles over a petty issue. In fact, he suddenly developed severe buttock pain and can't sit! I tried to rationalize with him, since it's my nature, but I got nowhere; he took it all as insulting and when I said I do care, he called me a liar. I even sent the URL to Dr. Sarno's book when he said he suddenly has severe pain and the doctors (2) found no reason for it. He replied, "you insult me by sending a link to a book, some friend you are, you might as well send a cookbook!" So I cut him off. Stood up for myself and I got ANGRY. Enough, I said. I let my anger out, felt no more guilt, stopped trying so hard to make sense to a person who obviously has cracked, and realized this couldn't be a reason for a TMS flare-up so severe.
Monday is when the pain became so severe I was ready to go to the ER and say "knock me out!" It was the moment I woke up, and worsened as I got closer to work. I assumed it was the ad and my worry that it would not be up to par. Well, the boss and the VP of the company loved it! So, nothing to worry about! But the pain remained and kept it's intensity through the night and then the next day. As the day went on, and my boss was smiling about the ad, and no one was pressuring me for anything (I was even told to leave early to avoid rush hour traffic so I'd not have to sit for 30 minutes longer in the car), the pain continued to worsen and I was anxious to the point of shaking.
Now I was baffled. I say here saying "What could this be? I "passed the test", my ad was good, no worrying about that!" I pondered and thought about all I could possibly think of.
Yesterday afternoon I went over the entire week with my psychologist. There it was, clear as day. Fear. Big, scary fear. A house, a huge step, a commitment. Not just a financial step I've never taken in my life (the biggest thing I ever bought was my car), but the big step of actually buying a house to live in with my boyfriend whom will be my husband soon. All the aspects of this giant step were pointed out to me and I realized how huge this was. Just looking at houses and going to the realtor to get prices was much more than a scary thing financially, it was the entire package of commitment in one shot. I'm not afraid of marriage (at least not consciously), but I don't handle my boyfriend's lack of facing up to his family members who take advantage of him, which angers me and I keep it in. And, he has debt, and an ex wife, and children — all things I think about too much and worry about, find a bit scary sometimes, and question if I can handle at times. Also, when he said to look at houses, not apartments, he said it so we'd have a yard "in case we need a swingset for a little Suzanne", because I wanted a child, but I've been scared for 4 years due to TMS; how can I care for a child when I can't care for myself? My mother has always "gently" reminded me of all the baggage, which made me feel uncomfortable. I never said anything back, I shoved it inside. She feels all this is a piece of my reason for developing TMS (along with the loss and trauma years back) and for it staying around.
So, I am seeing patterns. I am starting to see when I worry too much or fear too much. There are instances where I think to myself that I'm thinking TOO much, or wrong. By wrong I mean that I know I shouldn't be obsessing on certain things that take over my mind. ("Gremlin", Carson's book) I just haven't learned to stop it. My psychologist said my obsessing is a form of OCD. He said I'm not too bad, but I'm bad to the point that I am indeed hurting myself.
Sorry for the loooong post. I had to get it out and I think some people here might relate?
Any opinions? If not, that's OK! Just typing it out might have helped somewhat. 
I'm pretty mad at TMS right now. |
| 3 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Suzanne |
Posted - 08/21/2004 : 22:43:06
tennis tom and mala,
I just wanted to post that I've not ignored either of your replies to me. I've been pondering both and what to say.
My therapist went away for two weeks, so I'm waiting for him to return so I can talk to him. Sure need to now! I have a lot to discuss!!!
I actually don't have money for the downpayment on the house. That was coming from my parents IF I did it. I don't have a dollar over $1,000. But I do have 3 grand in debt! LOL
The house is a joke at the moment. I stopped looking. My parents would like to help, but I can't do it, after going over the finanances and realizing I still have to pay the medical bills I don't get a penny back from since TMS isn't recognized. They won't help for me to pack it all up and go off for a year, that's for sure. And to try to sell what I have, I'd make a grand if that lucky.
mala,
Funny you mentioned that the pain/TMS might go away should I have a child. My bosses wife had pelvic pain/spasms, like me, for years, and fatigue, which doctors couldn't diagnose. I found this out after I was diagnosed with TMS. He told me one day that his wife suddenly has no more pelvic pain from muscle spasms, no low back pain and no fatigue. This all came after her baby was born. She didn't even realize right away that her pain was gone. I left his office sort of dumbfounded. Before the baby was born and even before she was pregnant, he'd told me that my problem sounded similar to his wife's. (I'd told him after suffering in silence for too long. It made him understand my reluctance to sit, and come into the office. Now I'm able to telecommute often) Your comment was just another "hmm" with a connection to a child. I wonder if my unconscious wants this, and I'm the one unsure consciously. A few weeks ago I asked him about her, since their boy is almost 2, and he said she's never had the pelvic spasms return.
I'll reply again soon, after I sort my brain out with my psychologist. My last 2 weeks have been highly stressful with too many work projects. The stress is probably my own self-induced pressure to get it all done and done 100% perfect.
tt,
I don't think I could leave the east coast. My younger brother is in prison here I'd miss him too much. I would lose all contact, being unable to speak to him. I've not seen him outside prison walls since 1992. And no, he commited no harsh crime. AZ is a state I'll never visit again in my life. Thankfully he was tranferred to NJ early this year. A legal aid lawyer made a HUGE mistake and instead of 2-5 for a petty nonsense crime, he got 20 to life. (he never held a weapon, or was near people, it was a small ridiculous thing, and he also stupidly didn't give up his best friend and they charged him with those crimes out of spite. In AZ, this is common. Don't give up the info, you do the time)
Those "vacations"? A few were to AZ to visit him in MAX. Believe it or not, my pain went away, even with the highly stressful gross treatment I was getting by the correction officers there (actually abuse), and I sat pain-free while visiting him. 6 hours a day, 3 days in a row.
They didn't like my conversations, at one point shortly after my visit beat him so badly he almost died and I had to write to President Bush, every official in AZ, ALL the media across the U.S. and alert them that if my brother dies, it was due to C.O.'s not liking my point of view on how I was treated like a criminal and how I saw that the Arian Nation groups were getting special treatment (allowed to hug, be close, etc.) while we were unable to even sit close. Media replied, and the AZ newspaper contacted me and investigated, but after agreeing it happened, the reporter got scared and backed off. "strange things" going on in AZ. My cousin is a reporter for NBC news NYC, so I had help there, too.
Ugh, rambled off on a tangent again! OCD of the mind!!! I think too much!
And I'm quite a "mess-magnet" it seems. |
| mala |
Posted - 08/16/2004 : 14:59:45
Suzanne,
I do hope you are feeling better after you got stuff out of your system. You are going through a lot at this time but the good thing of course is that you are aware of what's going on. According to Sarno you are considering some major changes in your life. One of them is marriage which you are considering and another is buying a house.These are two big stress factors in life. Then you have a friend who in my opinion is being silly and maybe should be ignored for a while till he comes to his senses.
Bottom line is this, either you go ahead with these major plans you have and say to yourself that whatever happens happens and I will deal with the situation as it arises but I'm not going to let it get to me ( can you do that?) or you sit back and think about whether these are changes you really want in your life. Maybe you are not ready yet. You say that your boyfriend ahs a number of problems and you don't sound like you are very happy about the way things are going . Frankly if I were in your shoes ( and I know this may be a bit out of line) I'd really think long and hard before embarking on a long term relationship that seems so rocky already. As regards children well you know more than anyone else if you are ready for them or not. Who knows you may regain your health once you are occupied with having to look after him or her . That however does not mean I am suggesting that you have children to see whether your pain goes away or not.
There is a lot stressing you out and you need time and space to sort out the next moves in your life or you will just get more tmsed. Talk to your therapist in detail.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 08/16/2004 : 10:27:44
Dear Suzanne,
Have you thought about chucking it all and taking a time-out from your life? You've posted that your TMS goes away on vacation, so why not take an extended vacation to allow yourself to de-condition and give your system a rest? Why not put the money you would put into a down payment on a house, into a nice long vacation, somewhere that you can get away from all the stresses in your life? It sounds like you need to make a break from your childhood, where you felt left out and picked on and the continuing pattern at work, where you are in fear of makiing the grade and feel picked on by your bosses. I think buying a new house at this point will only supply you with a new set of stresses, that your landlord would presently be handling. Taking out a mortgage is one of the major stessors on the list in MBP. It sounds like your workplace is in-humanly stressfull. Maybe you should check out graphic jobs on the Left Coast. Out here, employers are happy if you just show up for work.
It dosen't seem that your relationship is all that ideal either. It sounds like your're going to have to carry the load for the new household.
When we were in school, we had three months of summer vacation to recoup from peer group pressure and being picked on, etc.
There is no law that says we can't take a time-out from our lives and check out new horizons. It doesn't have to be expensive. You can buy a camper and stay in campgrounds for $15 a night. Or go to some non-touristy local in Mexico or Greece and live like the natives.
You are very aware that your TMS goes away on vacation and returns as soon as you return to the stressors of your home and work
environment. Why not cash in your chips, have a big garage-sale, and drop out for a year? Isn't your mindbody health the most important thing in your life--that which your future happiness and longevity is predicated upon? |
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