| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Suz |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 10:43:35
Hey all,
I haven't posted for a while as my back has been pain free. Believe it or not, I fell down two weeks ago and broke a bone in my foot! I am on crutches now which is frustrating. I had to go back to my old orthopedic doctor which brought back memories. I actually recommended Dr. Sarno to three people in the waiting room and told them the concept. They all wrote the name of the book down - I thought I was going to be thrown out of the office!
Anyway - last week was a nightmare -I had pain over the weekend in my back. This is what has been happening in my life - forgive me if I ramble on. This site has been so helpful to me as a place to let go and share.
It was supposed to have been my wedding on Friday. 3 1/2 months ago, I broke off my engagement and decided not to go back to him for good. I finally accepted that I have no future with this man after talking to my priest about it last Thursday. He was the one doing marriage preparation with us. I hadn't seen him in 3 months and wanted to fill him in as to why I pulled out. He told me that he thought the marriage would have been a disaster. He said that he thought that from the very beginning. I was amazed that he felt so strongly. This actually really helped me move on finally.
I started talking to another man over the last 3 months - someone I liked a year ago but never dated because of Jerome. He lives an hour and a half from me. We talked almost daily on the phone for the last 2 1/2 months. I really really liked him and was so excited. We had one brief dinner together and went to a lecture which unfortunately Jerome turned up for - very very uncomfortable. Anyway - 10 days ago, we were supposed to get together - I couldn't meet him in New York because I can't walk much right now. So, he suggested he come out and see me on a Saturday. I didn't hear anything from him since Wednesday night of that week, so on Friday late, I called him. He wasn't there and he called me when he got back at 10:30. I asked him about the next day - he said that he wasn't sure as his daughter has a basketball game. I was surprised but said - don't worry, we'll do it another time. He said - no, i will call you tomorrow morning. Well - he called me at 2:00 pm on Saturday - half the day was gone. I wasn't in but got the message. I was furious. I cooled down over the weekend and then I called him on Sunday night. I told him that I was quite annoyed that he hadn't given me notice - he was taken back but apoligized. Then we talked for 30 minutes longer and he said he woudl call me the next day. I have not heard from him since. This is so so strange. Obviously, I freaked him out - but it is so sad. We had such a great friendship which could have been more. He was the one suggesting we get together again. I don't get this.
I have had back flare ups - probably from being rejected etc. My friends say I should call him and be open. After all, we are not in high school. My priest said I am making too big a deal of it and should call him and just chat to him as if nothing had happened. He said that we are not dating and so I shouldn't behave as if we are. He also suggested I need time to heal from my engagement and should take it slowly.
I don't want to play games but be honest. Can any of you guys shed some light on this?
The other tough hurdle I had last week was my mum coming over to see me and my sister. Out of the blue, she suddenly starting laying in to me about my religious choices. I am the only one in my family with a belief in God. They know that this has brought me much solace after a rough few years. My mother started yelling at me calling me a fanatic. It all happend out of the blue. She said it was horrifying that I didn't want sex before marriage and there was something wrong wiht me. I was unable to stay calm and yelled at her. I told her not to question my religious choices as i never question hers. I asked her to give me respect as an adult and told her to stop criticizing me. I was supposed to have dinner with her but I just got my stuff together and started to walk out. She freaked out and grabbed my arms half apologizing. It was a crazy scene. Very unpleasant. She told me not to over react and be so sensitive. My poor sister was sitting there horrified. She defended my mother immediately - un freaking believable. She had a baby two weeks ago and is exhausted. She burst into tears and ran out of the room with her baby. This is the kind of stuff my mother pulls off. She sees me twice a year and she has no control. I am fuming as I write this. I calmed down, told her I loved her and stayed for dinner. Basically, I repressed my feelings. That night, I had excruciating back pain. So the next morning, I let myself scream and rant and rave about it. My mother came out to Connecticut to me for the day. I was not looking forward to it. I basically bought her lunch and dinner and a manicure - she has limited funds and I wanted to give her a nice day. A great part of me wanted to kick her where it hurts! She brought up the issue at the end of the day and told me if it happens again, I have to not react and be calm. For the first time ever, I did not agree with her. I had no guilt at all. I simply told her not to ever accuse me again and if she did, probably the same thing woudl happen. I then changed the subject. Wow!!! Progress!!
I am sad because this causes a rift with my sister again who always takes my mother's side. Also, I am supposed to fly to England for Christmas. Wow - that should be fun! My mother told me that my granny (who is an atheist) was prepared to lecture me about my belief in God. I told her to tell Granny to shut it!
My back pain only lasted two nights - not bad for me! The main difference is that I have no guilt. I am convinced that guilt is a huge contributer to back pain
Sorry I ranted for so long - just a lot has happened. If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle the guy thing or my mum - would be great. Thanks
Suz
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| 16 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Suz |
Posted - 11/10/2005 : 08:50:08
Thanks, Fox. I agree with you - this was more than just a casual friendship. We talked almost every day for hours. He came up for dinner once to see me and suggested we see each other again. He was even going to come up with his daughters and spend thanksgiving with me. I can't say this hasn't been a bit baffling and hurtful. I need to be strong and not call him. Clearly, he got cold feet. I am going to England for Christmas and he is going to Ireland with his brother - he suggested that we somehow see each other in Europe when we were over there. The nature of our conversations were all based on our beliefs and we talked about our ideas of what it takes to have a good marriage. He said that he feels he shouldn't bring his girls up alone and needs a woman at his side. You can imagine how strange this is for me! Talk about mixed messages. Men drive me crazy! |
| Fox |
Posted - 11/10/2005 : 07:55:11
Suz - why avoid the whole dating thing? Just don't call this particular ambivalent guy who is no longer willing to meet you half way - who has backed off from the relationship. And yes, I agree with you that you did have some kind of special personal relationship if he called you that many times and talked for so long each time. But still - don't call him. Don't expect him to call you. If he does call, be very cautious. |
| redskater |
Posted - 11/09/2005 : 15:17:48
Boy, I was going to recommend that same book. (just not that into you) I wish I had had that to read when I was dating! It would have saved me a lot of heartache and WASTED time. Looking back, that book is pretty right on about the whole dating scene. When the right person comes along you will know it and things will just naturally progress without all that indecision on someones part. Or something to that effect. Look at it this way, you saved yourself a lot of time and energy that could be spent in or on a positive experiance. Sounds like you've got enough on your plate right now to deal with.
Gaye |
| Suz |
Posted - 11/09/2005 : 15:02:01
Thanks, NLK for your kind words. I was definitely treating this guy as if we were about to start a relationship. He was also behaving like that but I think he took a step back and realized he didn't want that. I am going to focus on being with girlfriends and avoid the whole dating thing for a while. I think it is just too stressful right now. |
| NLK |
Posted - 11/09/2005 : 14:21:39
Wow... Andrew took the words right out of my mouth. Suz, the guy just isn't that into you. It isn't a rejection of you, and you really shouldn't take it as such. We was into whatever level of interaction you were having, for that period of time, but he wasn't into you or the idea of a relationship. I'd offer that you should reevaluate your statement that you aren't looking for a relationship... it sure reads like you are. That's understandable too, as you're clearly a very caring person who likes people, and you're still a bit out of sorts over the relationship that you ended with Jerome. You might consider just not dating for awhile, and not putting yourself in situations where you're sort of opening yourself up to either initiating a Relationship (capital R Relationship, not just an acquaintance) or having a man do the same. I would offer that from what you've written, you're pushing yourself into feeling feelings and having reactions more appropriate to a Relationship and not an acquaintance. That's just my reading of what you've written - and I may be misinterpreting it. You might just want to try sticking with female friendships and acquaintances for awhile just to relieve yourself of the extra stress.
As long as we're recommending books, you might also look for a book called Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud. I'm so proud of you for having clearly communicated to your mom and the resulting lack of stress you had! That she can talk to you that way at all, and that she also tries to get your grandmother in on the act, however, is not right. You're each entitled to your opinions, but it doesn't sound like she thinks you should be.
I hope your foot heals quickly! :-)
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| Suz |
Posted - 11/09/2005 : 13:35:06
Ok I just read my previous post and I sound tragic. Andrew - I went and researched that book and it is great! I actually ordered it! I have had little experience dating and it definitely sounds like this guy is just not into me enough. I don't know what I was thinking calling him. I would probably drive myself crazy waiting for him to call me back again after that. What am I doing?!!!
Even if he suggested wanting to see me - it hasn't actually happened.
I need to move on! It's that simple! |
| Suz |
Posted - 11/09/2005 : 12:15:51
Andrew,
I know exactly what you are talking about. I am sure that he has gone off the idea of having a relationship with me. The reason I am so surprised is that he was calling me every other day and we chatted for hours. He was the one who suggested we get together twice last week. He knows that I just broke off an engagement and anyone in their right mind would stay away! I think my mistake was expecting too much when a friendship is all that should happen. I behaved as if I was dating him.
I would like to continue a friendship with him and maybe down the road when I am less emotionally raw, we could have one. The problem is that I see his brother at my church all the time and I don't want it to be awkward. His brother is one of the priests there.
I would like to call him and just be friendly and act as if nothing has happened. Do you think that would be too awkward? I want him to know that a friendship is all I want. He told me how much he enjoyed our talks and I know I did. |
| Andrew2000 |
Posted - 11/09/2005 : 11:40:32
Hi Suz ... from a guy's perspective, there's a book whose title, although simple, frank and a bit hard-hitting, might just hit the nail on the head in this case: "He's Just Not That Into You." The real take-away message of the book (and my posting) is that you deserve a man who truly loves you and not one that you must constantly make excuses for. Stay healthy and strong, don't give your energy away to the wrong people.
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| Suz |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 15:53:52
Oh yeah - just to clarify. It wasn't that I was waiting for the guy just to call - but at his suggestion, I had planned to spend the day with him. So when I didn't hear until 2:00 pm from him, half my day was shot. He wasn't able to cancel the night before for some reason, so I was left waiting. That is what I objected to.
Ok - still thinking way too much about this!! |
| Suz |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 15:50:47
Peter,
Thank you so much. It was all a shock as we had been talking for over an hour almost every night for the last 2 1/2 months. He said how much he enjoyed talking to me. He was the one who suggested we get together. I really think I scared him off. I know that I think way too much about details and have very high standards. We were obviously on two different pages.
I am not too sure if I will bother to call or not. Right now, I don't want a relationship. I sort of think - what is the point? |
| PeterW |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 15:43:48
Suz, I totally relate to your frustration with the guy who didn't contact you when he said he would. I've been through this type of scene so many times in my dating life, not to mention friendship and professional life as well. Though somehow it seems to cut so much more personally when our minds and hearts have it framed in the context of 'potential relationship'.
Obviously the genders are reversed in our cases but I dont think that's important. It's possible he was playing you, but I think it's more likely there was something else going on. What I have come to realize over the years is that most folks out there just simply aren't on the same page as us sensitive conciencious goodist types when it comes to followup on what they say they would love to do, what they are planning to do, and when they're going to do it. This applies in all aspects of life but it seems particularly loaded when our hearts get involved. As much as it's difficult for us to comprehend, him calling you in the afternoon when he said he would call in the morning probably isn't out of line by his standards (he did call you after all) and he was probably amazed that you were so freaked out. So your priest may be sort of on the right track about that.
But to my mind you absolutely have a right to feel disrespected and annoyed and you did the right thing telling him so. He didn't call you since? - his problem, and possibly your gain. I'd say let it chill for now. You're obviously investing way more emotional energy into it than he is, and as it's been pointed out, you're not even dating.
Sorry to go on but your post touched a button with me having lived similar scenarios in the past. I used to just absorb it, then in later years tried to dismiss it, and then much too late learned to tell people how I really felt. If they cant take honesty or were never really interested, then it's better knowing that sooner than later. Honesty likely will scare off the 'casuals'. Good thing or bad thing depends upon what you really want.
Keep in mind though, your remembering every detail of when he called, when he didn't call, when he didn't do what he said he'd do etc etc may seem a tad obsessive to some. I know I've been accused of this by women who couldn't believe my attention to details like this, and I now see it as a sign of having too many expectations, trying too hard, and not living in the moment. Part of our obsessive personalities, part of our wanting everyone in our lives to be perfect, and our being hurt and taking it personally when they're not. And our not being able to keep it light.
But I agree with everyone who has said that coming out of an engagement you need to take it real slow and easy. And be gentle with yourself. Yes, keep it light!
And as Peter McKay said, if I could only follow my own advice:)
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| Suz |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 14:37:30
Jim,
I really laughed at your post! I know what you mean about relationships - i think you are absolutely right. He didn't realize that he made a mistake at all and probably couldn't believe it when I accused him of being considerate. (I feel a little ridiculous over the whole thing). I also find it hard not to get involved and keep things really light. I am an intense person who feels very deeply - makes me a bit vulnerable sometimes.
By the way, I am a catholic convert of a year and a half. Nice to hear from another! My family has a terrible time dealing with it as they think I am insane. It is not the done thing in England to give up being protestant. I never lecture my family as I don't believe I have a right to. She will realize in time that there is no point in trying to change me in that area - I would not live any other way - its' too great! - anyway - that's all off topic for TMS |
| Suz |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 14:31:24
I agree, Peter. I scared him a little with my demands. He is probably put off now and doesn't want to deal. I have decided to definitely slow it down. I feel very good with that decision. I would like to continue a friendship with John so I might call him and not mention anything. This will take the pressure off both of us. I feel at peace with this decision. I always know that is the right thing when I feel at peace!
I love the description of you and your mother - it describes mine perfectly. She tries to control and I try and run away - literally! It is not by accident that I live in America and she lives in England. If I lived over there, I would be so suffocated. It definitely causes a lot of back pain. The upside is that this is the quickest that I have recovered from it all.
Another interesting thing I have noticed is that ever since I broke my foot, my other symptoms have dissipated. I do not really have any pain with my foot as I don't put any pressure on it so it has not taken the place of TMS pain. I have to move around really slowly now and that is having a strange affect on me. I can't exercise and I have to take things easy. I think I have taken pressure off myself in various areas. I can be quite obssessed about being fit and slim and I am quite vain about my appearance - picking my clothes carefully etc. I have to wear flat shoes and one hideous looking shoe thing for the broken foot. I am giving very little thought to my clothes and I can't exercise. Wow! This is so nice! I really believe that I have taken pressure off myself. I have even noticed that my skin is really clear. I have been eating anything I want with no affects on my skin. I am sort of seeing this foot issue as a blessing - life teaching me to slow down. For a perfectionist, that is hard to do |
| Jim D. |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 14:19:25
"She [your mother] said it was horrifying that I didn't want sex before marriage and there was something wrong with me."
Suz,
I couldn't resist commenting on your mother's attitude toward sex before marriage. I would guess that a great majority of parents would feel exactly the opposite and would kill to have a daughter like you. She doesn't sound like a very nice person. I myself am a convert to Catholicism and occasionally get jabs from my Protestant mother about "worshipping Mary" and "obeying the pope." And she wonders why I live 800 miles away!
About the guy, I agree with what Fox wrote. If you can forget him, that might be best. I have a lot of trouble accepting people who just want casual relationships and don't mean what they say, and I have ended a lot of friendships for that reason. If you tried to make the man tell you why he didn't call on Saturday morning, he would probably wonder why you were so upset because he meant "Saturday morning" as an approximation. And he would make you feel like the neurotic one, the stickler for detail. "Keep it light" is the motto I try to follow in relationships, but I don't do very well at it. Sounds like you don't either. But it also sounds as if you are dealing with the TMS flareups very well. |
| n/a |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 13:20:47
ahhhh, families, you love them yet no one can piss you off more. I usually change the subject with my mother or tell her a joke as I can easily make her laugh. I am not going to change her no is she going to change me and I am fine with that. She has role - to control- and I have a role- to resist that control. As long as we know each other's role then it works out fine.
Sounds like you have to list each one of these issues separately and examine them in detail. There are the conscious reactions which you are aware of, but what is going on underneath, because that is where the source of your pain is. Certainly enough anger generating stimuli to enduce a back ache in any TMS suscpetible person.
I would definetly avoid getting into a relationship right now until you heal emotionally a bit. Jerome really has no obligation to you nor you to him so don't try to expect too much. I know it is hard to control one's feelings with something begins to develop, but for your own sake take it slow.
Now, if I could only follow my own advice:)
Best wishes and hope you are back to a full 100% soon.......
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| Fox |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 11:25:57
Regarding your guy friend - don't call him. Work on forgetting him. If he was still interested, he would have called you the next day like he said that he would...Don't try to figure out what went "wrong" because you'll probably never find out what it was - even if you tried to pressure the reason out of him...Focus on the here and now and on meeting new guys. |
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