| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| CherylH |
Posted - 10/28/2005 : 05:53:59
Hello,
Tks for being here. I've been lurking for a while, rarely have any TMS episodes anymore.
One of my huge areas of repression is my relationship with my mother. We lived 10 hrs a way for 25 years, then moved back where I grew up and things were horrible. The expectations were so high for extra visits and I could just never meet them. She wanted to talk on the phone all the time; I was trying to start a new business (self employed) and a student and my life has been crazy since that started, leaving me with precious little time or energy. But even more than that, I end up after most phone calls feeling frustrated because she's so negative, so opinionated and judgmental, and we (children) are always being compared to her friends children who do no wrong. (The youngest child, btw, is 40?) Anyway, I ended up moving after 3 years closer to where my daughter/grandchildren live, which has been wonderful. But my relationship with my mother has been hugely strained - she's angry about that, more cynical, more negative. I just caught hell this week because I hadn't called her in 10 days (I think it was 8, but whatever) and any child who cares and worries about their mother would call every other day to check in, etc etc.
I'm really torn. Do I try to write her a letter and honestly tell her how negative she is, tearing people down all the time, and it just gets too much? Or do I just give in again and try to make that 2 times a week phone call to keep peace and be respectful because she's my mother? She's a very busy woman, btw - does tons of volunteer work, has lunch out 4 out of 5 days a week with friends, etc. She's just horribly disappointed because none of her kids stay in touch the way she wants them to, among other things. I think she's a very lonely and sad person but she hides behind all these friendships or something. She's pushed all the kids away with her nastiness.
Any thoughts would be very much appreciated. Tks! |
| 10 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| CherylH |
Posted - 10/29/2005 : 17:26:23
Tks, Hillary - I really appreciate it! I will get it, along with a couple of others I've heard about and see what I can do!
Tks again, cheryl |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 10/29/2005 : 14:27:26
quote:
But the last time one of us tried to tell her how he felt, it caused an estrangement which has continued now for going on 10 years. I'm not sure that's worth it to me for the peace of mind, knowing the extra pressure it'd put on my brothers and sisters
It all depends on how you approach it. That's why I recommend the "Non-violent Communication" book. I think it's possible to tell her without offending her. Don't assume this has to be a confrontational thing. Take your time, do some reading (check out Pete's recommendations too) and think it over.
Good luck!
Hilary N |
| CherylH |
Posted - 10/29/2005 : 10:55:01
More thanks to you both for the suggestions. I think you're right, Hilary, that with someone who's narcissistic, it's never enough. I think the part that's hard is listening to the incessant complaining and bitterness and gossip. It's a chicken/egg sort of thing. And Allan, you're also correct - all of her children have allowed her to set the standards for the relationship for a long time. But the last time one of us tried to tell her how he felt, it caused an estrangement which has continued now for going on 10 years. I'm not sure that's worth it to me for the peace of mind, knowing the extra pressure it'd put on my brothers and sisters... I'll have more time to think about this over the weekend so I hope to find a solution that finally lets me release some of this pent up anger and also just move forward. I just don't want any of my TMS symptoms to return!! Tks again so much... Cheryl |
| Allan |
Posted - 10/29/2005 : 08:13:46
I agree with Hilary.
Further, allegedly, all relationships are consciously or unconsciously negotiated. That is, we are constantly telling someone that their actions are either acceptable or unacceptable. It appears that over the years, you have conceded a lot of your rights to your mother. She appears to have the dictated the relationship and you appear to be overly compliant with the way that she wants it.
Time for you to set the standards of the relationship.
Allan.
|
| HilaryN |
Posted - 10/28/2005 : 15:48:31
quote:
Or do I just give in again and try to make that 2 times a week phone call to keep peace and be respectful because she's my mother?
It sounds like even if you do, it won't keep her happy. You need to do what's best for you.
quote:
Do I try to write her a letter and honestly tell her how negative she is, tearing people down all the time, and it just gets too much?
Perhaps you could write her this letter..but not send it. (Write it to get it off your chest.)
Then perhaps write a letter, but include positive suggestions as to what you would think would improve your relationship. Another book recommendation: "Non-violent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg. It doesn't matter if your mother doesn't read this book - it will help you improve your relationship by improving your communication. By saying that, I'm not suggesting you're at fault - but it only takes one person to have read the book in order to improve communication between two people.
I really like this book because it recommends getting in touch with your feelings and those of your listener, and expressing those feelings. It somehow seems very consistent with TMS theory, but in the field of communication.
Hilary |
| CherylH |
Posted - 10/28/2005 : 13:03:42
Thank you both for your response and the book suggestions. I've got to think this one through carefully and work towards a long term solution, no question. I sure wish I could get her to read those books! Tks again.. |
| verdammt |
Posted - 10/28/2005 : 11:37:12
"I wondered if it was time to explain how her behavior has put her in this situation, and if that'd be better for my TMS to bring it all out instead of repressing it continually..."
Short-term, you'll feel better. Long-term, you'll never hear the end of it. And you'll be plagued with guilt for the rest of your life (she'll make sure of that!)
No easy way out. TMS is quite the hell-hound. |
| n/a |
Posted - 10/28/2005 : 11:33:14
In dealing with relationships I highly recommend you read Byron Katie's two book "Loving What Is" and "I Need Your Love. Is it True?"
Taking her words to heart will transform how you view relationships with others.
Best wishes. |
| CherylH |
Posted - 10/28/2005 : 09:18:53
Tks for the suggestion. She has a computer and does email occasionally but doesn't like it. Trust me, she has tons of interests and things to do morning till night, but she spends all her spare brain time obsessing about her horrid children and how we don't care... the ice coming over the phone line is very hard to break through. That's why I wondered if it was time to explain how her behavior has put her in this situation, and if that'd be better for my TMS to bring it all out instead of repressing it continually... |
| verdammt |
Posted - 10/28/2005 : 07:15:45
Cheryl,
Provide you mother with some new time-consuming distractions, like a high-speed internet connection. It's a great way to stay in touch with relatives (wink!) and a great way to look up old friends, etc. (wink!) Get her hooked on finding collectibles on eBay, or visiting message boards. She'll trouble you no more..."Cheryl who?" |
|
|
