| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| ladyblue |
Posted - 10/09/2005 : 09:15:32
Hello all,
Yes a strange comparison I know, but it felt an apt way to describe my feelings right now.
For two days of last week, I was pain free and yes, it felt as though I'd stepped into a magical world.
One that was new and strange to me. It was mystical. It facilitated me with the ability to explore a place that I hadn't been for so long, I'd forgotten how it felt. It was an exciting adventure, I felt like a child, able to play for the first time...I certainly giggled like a child, even when alone. I savoured every minute.
Since then I've been sucked back into the tunnel that I'd been in for years, and it feels more restricting than ever it did before.
It now seems to have a window though that I can view out of and see the place that I played in last week. Only the pain limits my view.
On a positive I'm assuming that the window is a good development?
There is some light where there was none.
LOL...Damn it's hard isn't it!?
I'm addressing my emotions continually. Whilst dealing with anger I've reached the un-expected conclusion that a definate portion is centered at "myself", now I'm not sure how to deal with that one and any suggestions would be most gratefully recieved.
To expand upon that slightly...I feel angry at the way I've allowed myself to be treated. If anyone treats my children in a way that I find unacceptable I immediately repond. I have NEVER awarded myself that same reaction. Whilst in my journal I've finally written to all of those that have angered me and I never spoke out, and yet....at some point I have to take responsibility for myself.
I have a situation in my life right now that highlights this perfectly. I won't go into too much detail other than to say that a close friend has run more lies past me in the three days than in the whole of our friendship. Yet, I'm unable to approach him with my concerns. My honest reason for this is now, as it has always been in similar situations in the past...If I risk upseting this person, I may lose them/offend them/be thought less of ...etc
Your feelings on the above would be much appreciated.
Jane....On the journey!
|
| 8 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Allan |
Posted - 10/10/2005 : 16:57:52
Thanks Peter.
Allan. |
| ladyblue |
Posted - 10/10/2005 : 15:32:39
LOL...
Way to go exRSied! I could do with you on a daily basis intravenously fed!
Many thanks to all for your comments, trust that they're all taken on board and well digested. I know I've mentioned it before but if you took the mind as being like a desert, the support on here is the much needed water.
Redskater: Terrific inspiration in your words and indeed your grasp on TMS...thankyou!
Please keep posting of your experiences and on-going journey.
I did indeed celebrate during my pain free time Gaye, as you so rightly said it's, amongst so many other things, solid proof that it's TMS.
Interesting you said about going back to childhood trauma as that's exactly what happened to me today.
By the time I arrived at my friends for a Reiki session this morning I was literally having a panic attack, such was the intensity of the pain in my back.
I shuffled slowly into her house where she immediately wrapped me in a large turquoise shawl and sat me down, then gently just held me a while (this is a unique woman that instictively knows just what you need!)
Once I was calm and feeling safe, assisted by the sounds of a tape of the sea my friend had put on, we began the healing session.
I decided to imagine the the pebbles on the beach represented the cells in my body and every time I heard the waves washing upon the shore, they were cleansing the cells and rinsing away impurities....Gaye, it was a wonderful feeling.
I then decided I'd have a go at Brendon Bays "The Journey" technique as the circumstances felt right and I knew that my friend would be able to support me should anything happen.
I drifted downwards into a deep state of relaxation and then began the process of working my way back to my childhood, all the time telling myself to ignore any twinges of fear/panic that arose. I knew I was going deep and all the while I could feel the healing energy flowing through my body.
I went back to several experiences, felt the sadness around them, gave them love and then virtually insited that I be taken further.
I have to say at this point that it was feeling like very "uncertain territory"
I had a growing surge of energy that, search as I may, I do not have adequate words to explain but it became so intense that I almost felt as though I could explode. In order to cope with it I recall having to take take very deep breaths and then exhale very hard.
Everything in my mind was then engulfed in an incredible "whiteness", it felt as though I was travelling at the speed of sound!
Then BANG!....there it was. I was catapulted back to an experience I'd had when I was 7 or 8.
When it hit me I was completely terrified and in that split second I relived the fear. I recall dropping forward and shouting out to my friend who instantly threw her arms around me and held me tight.
I cried, no I howled, then I sobbed.
Once it was truely out of my system I was able to explain what had happened on that day, so many years ago.
I had an appointment with the school dentist, it was a Saturday morning and both of my parents were working so I'd said I'd go alone (why did they let me??)
I knew I had to have some teeth taken out but that's all I knew.
I remember being called into the surgery, there were two female assistants and the dentist himself.
Once in the chair they explained that they would be putting me to sleep using gas, at this point I remember him showing me the mask and that's when I began to panic.
The next thing I remember were hands pinning me down and the mask slowly coming down and clamping on my face, I remember the darkness "coming to get me"
I'd obviously put up quite a fight as I remember, upon waking, that my shoes had ended up on the floor at the other side of the surgery!
Today when I finally brought this memory into my conciousness, not only was I able to let it go but on some subtle level I was able to comfort that child and give her the hug she'd needed back then.
The journey continues....
Jane...(off to bed, exhausted, relieved, calm and brandishing an enormous bar of theraputic, recommended by practitioners worldwide, completely calorie free...chocolate!!)
|
| redskater |
Posted - 10/10/2005 : 09:15:33
Hi Jane, I really enjoy reading your posts. You do have a way with words!
Here's what I've been experiancing this last week; I'm into this 7 weeks today. I've had ups and downs. But when I had pain that moved around to a new area I was just not letting my self fear it and it would eventually go away. Well this week I had been doing a lot with my arms one day (which usually brings on a lot of achyness in my mid back), and I started getting this pain that wrapped all the way around my mid back and ribs. the pain kept me awake all night but since it was a new sensation (the rib part) I just tried not to get scared, and just went about my business. Then in the afternoon the pain literally moved from the upper part into my low back. Now this pain was like some of the worst pain I've experianced. I was deffinately in spasm. At first I was pretty depressed since I had been doing so well and having many pain free (or close to it) days. But I decided to just go with the pain, I read some of Sarno in bed that night and then I just went back as far as I could in childhodd and started reliving as many tramatic moments as I could until I fell asleep. I woke up the next day and the pain was there but better. I decided to go to the golf course and ended up playing about 6 holes of golf which I haven't done in over 5 years. By the time I was done the pain had gone! So I guess to say, don't worry about the pain coming back, it seems to come and go for me right now. I think it is just trying to find a way back in. The best advice I can give you is to try and live your life everyday like the days that you felt pain-free. Eventually it will become easier and easier. The best thing about it is that for me having the pain go away even for a day, meant that it really was TMS and that was cause to celebrate. You should too.
Cheers,
Gaye |
| n/a |
Posted - 10/09/2005 : 20:50:08
Allen,
Dr. Sarno mentions the poem in page 77-78 of his book Healing Back Pain. |
| Allan |
Posted - 10/09/2005 : 20:01:42
I can't find the reference in any of Dr. Sarno's books, but there is a quotation from the poem "Pity me Not" by Edna Saint Vincent Millay in one of them, as follows:
"Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn"
I believe that Dr. Sarno was describing how relatively quickly the mind may accept the TMS diagnosis but how slow the emotions (personified in the reference to the "heart") are in responding, that is, that there can be a long healing process.
Perhaps this quotation fits your situation. You did experience a brief period of being pain free. What more proof can there be that your pain is TMS pain and that you have started your recovery.
I like the suggestion by AnneG that this is a door opening and not a window.
Be of good cheer. You should be encouraged not distressed.
Allan.
|
| exRSied |
Posted - 10/09/2005 : 17:44:00
but I bet if you do tell your friend your concerns and say that you are not having it, his attitude will change pretty quickly. As things stand he'll feel that he is on safe ground to treat you badly because he'll know that he holds the upper-hand and there will be no consequences whatever he does.
I second that! There is NOTHING more satisfying in the world than affirming your position and ASSERTING yourself. (even if you're wrong.) Your words are in the minds of others. "Giving" is also expressing who you are. When you only "receive", you stagnate. You feel alive when you give. That's the best way I can put it.
|
| ladyblue |
Posted - 10/09/2005 : 15:16:53
Hello Anne...
Ahhh how I wish you lived closer...lol..a good Cappucino and a natter with you once a week would be so theraputic!
(BTW...My mother is the neediest person I've ever met!)
You're right in what you say of course...but isn't it a strange turn around of events, one minute the pain controls your life causing you fear, the next you have fear because you discover that you're controlling the pain.
I don't know what the greater powers were thinking when they put me in control of something so big, I mean we're talking about a person who has yet to discover how to to control a cake baking! It's like giving chocolate mousse to a baby...guaranteed to turn into a wretched messy business!! LOL
Anyway, following your advice, I've taken the bull by the horns, or maybe in my case...the cow by the tail! and e-mailed my concerns to my friend, yes, I could have phoned but I decided that would give him the oppurtunity to speak...lol..and I wanted my say!
Right now I'm having a quiet evening reading Brandon Bays.."The Journey". I feel quite exhausted, physically and mentally.
Tomorrow I'm going to my friends for some Reiki healing, I'm trained to do Reiki myself but felt a little external pampering wouldn't go amiss.
Thanks again Anne, take care..Jane |
| n/a |
Posted - 10/09/2005 : 11:44:14
You'll find that the ratio will change, Jane. At the moment - a ratio of 2:7, magical world days to pain days - something like that, maybe? Your mind set will alter, probably gradually - feeling well will become the norm, and bad pain days an abberation.
If you think about it logically (and I know how hard it is to be logical when you are faced with a disappointment like this); your days without pain should tell you something - you suffer from TMS. It's no longer a case of - your pain is likely to be psychologically based - you've had proof now.
Take heart - this is a setback: admittedly a really nasty one, but only a setback, nontheless.
Talking about looking glasses - your experience mirrors my own so very closely. It's frightening when the anger surfaces and you take a look at yourself and think, how on earth did you believe for all these years that absolutely everything was your fault!
My parents rotten marriage - my fault; my mother's never-ending neediness - my fault. It's hard not to be bitter about wasted opportunities, but that's a blind alley - it's important to feel the anger in a positive fashion.
It's easy for someone else to say, I know, but I bet if you do tell your friend your concerns and say that you are not having it, his attitude will change pretty quickly. As things stand he'll feel that he is on safe ground to treat you badly because he'll know that he holds the upper-hand and there will be no consequences whatever he does.
Try it - it works.
Best wishes
Anne
By the way, I don't think you should think of the pain free days as a window - you should think of them as the door opening.
|
|
|
