| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Suz |
Posted - 09/13/2005 : 17:47:19
I am wondering if my recent cold/virus ( I feel horrible right now with a low grade fever and headache, fatigue) might have been brought on by emotional stress. I have decided to talk to my exfiance and let him know that my mind is made up - i am moving on with my life and we don't have any chance of getting back together. I broke off my engagement 6 weeks ago and told him i need space to think about whether it will ever work out or not. I made my mind up a few days ago and was supposed to see him tonight at a friends get together. Yesterday, I came down with a horrible cold/headache. I have also started talking to another man that I really liked and never pursue. I have been so so worried about talking to my ex fiance as I know he will be devestated. He has been hoping that all would work out. I am dreading seeing the look on his face when I tell him. I also have a little fear that this will really be over. But I am not changing my mind - this relationship will not work. I think I am experiencing a mixture of fear and guilt and dread. I have had a little back pain at night time - I haven't had any pain in 5 1/'2 weeks and I came down with this virus
Does anyone have any thoughts? I wonder if it would be horrendous to do it on the phone - the engagement is already broken off. Do I have to do this face to face? Could it be more painful for him as well?
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| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| marytabby |
Posted - 09/14/2005 : 11:22:32
I have no opinion on the marriage piece but I say YES, the colds, flu like symptoms, are all possibly TMS. I USED to get colds at the mere look at someone who was coughing. NOw since getting through most of my back issues, my immune system seems better as well. Getting a grip on the TMS stuff in general has helped my immune system stay strong and I can fight off colds, etc. I used to get bronchitis EVERY winter and I used to get colds constantly year round. I think emotional stress does a job on our immunity. |
| Suz |
Posted - 09/14/2005 : 11:09:37
Laura - I just reread my post and realize that i have no right to tell you what to do with your marriage - I apologize for my candor - I seem to have very strong feelings on this!
I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts
S. |
| miehnesor |
Posted - 09/14/2005 : 11:07:13
Laura- sounds like you have identified, with the help of your emotions, a likely candidate for your TMS- your husband! Its definitely a sad situation for you and its clear you are hurting a lot right now. I don't know if you should get divorced or not but i'm glad that you are aware and taking action to make a more healthy situation for you and your daughters. |
| Suz |
Posted - 09/14/2005 : 10:44:21
Laura,
My heart goes out to you for the terrible time you are going through. It certainly explains the stomach issues. I also appreciate what you said about being a TMS goodist - I am tortured at the thought of hurting Jerome but know that this is the right way to go (I waver occasionally). I didn't see him last night - I went to bed at about 7:00 pm and called my friends to tell them I wouldn't be there. Just as I thought, Jerome called me at work this morning. I saw the number and didn't answer and so he then emailed me. When he does this, I want to scream. But my friend reminds me that he is in love with me and will use anything to contact me. I need to have the conversation telling him it is over. I am so dreading the conversation that i am sure it is making me sick. The sooner I do it, the better -then he can move on too.
As far as your marriage goes - It pains me to recommend you leave. I believe it is possible to work through this difficulty as you married him out of love? in the first place (if you did)I actually think that divorce affects the children more than anyone else. All of my friends who are children of divorce have been devestated in one way or another. I am one of them - the experience has left me scarred for life and I am sure has fed into many of my self esteem issues.I would never have left my marriage if I had had children. I feel very strongly about it. I also don't care what age the children are. There is a book called "The legacy of divorce" - it is the only study done of children of divorced families and of families who stayed together -over a twenty year period. It was like reading about myself.
I don't want you to be in pain in any way, Laura - you are such a good, giving person. I can only tell you that the divorce I went through with my parents when I was a child was devestating for me and my brother and sister.
Could you try counselling - do anything to try and make this work |
| Laura |
Posted - 09/14/2005 : 08:12:58
Hey, Moose,
Thank you for your post. I read it a few times. I am so there. I'm trying really hard to do what I need to do so that I can make myself "free" again. I know it's going to be a difficult road to travel down, but every sign points to a divorce. I just think it's so telling that in the past week, as I have come to grips in my mind that this is the answer, I've probably only felt dizzy once or twice, which is so unusual. Yes, my stomach is KILLING me, I've probably slept literally about 8 hours this entire week, and my heart is pounding out of my chest so hard I think I may faint, BUT I'M NOT DIZZY!!!!
Funny, but in Louise Hay's book, she writes that dizziness or vertigo are caused by "flighty, scattered thinking" and "an inability to look." I think I have chosen not to "look" for a very long time, and now I'm seeing things for the first time through new eyes. When one's own child thinks they'd be better off without their father, it's a real eye opener. They see that I am happier away from him. How sad, but it's true. I spend all my sleepless nights thinking about how miserable I've been for so many years. No, my husband never beat me and yes, he provided for me very well. But emotionally, and on several other levels, it's been dead for about 10 years. I haven't been attracted to him for about 6 or 7 years. And do I want to wake up in 10 more years still feeling this way and then make this decision? Hell no!!! I want to feel alive now when I'm still young enough to feel it. I want my body to heal and I don't believe my body will every heal with all the energy being used on this unhappy marriage. I am scared to death, but in the end I think I'm going to be okay.
Thank you again, Moose.
Laura
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| pault |
Posted - 09/14/2005 : 04:42:05
Suz ,it is like going to the Dentist,as it feels worse than when you get there,better when it's over.I personally think we get sick because we need the distraction. Good luck to you. Paul. |
| ralphyde |
Posted - 09/13/2005 : 22:53:09
I have to agree with Calvin on this one.
I just finished reading a book by Caroline Myss, Ph.D., "Why People Don't Heal: And How They Can." She has quite an esoteric take on healing which I won't even attempt to summarize, but which boils down to energy, and how it takes energy to heal, and she stresses the need for forgiveness, to free the energy needed for healing. She says, "One of the main beliefs that I want you to adopt in order to heal your life or illness is a belief in the importance of forgiveness. Forgiveness frees up the energy necessary for healing."
I don't necessarily recommend this book because it is very esoteric, going into the chakras, the Astrological ages, the symbolism of Christianity, the Kabbalah, and Jung's archetypal symbolism, and the Tribal, Individual, and Symbolic levels of consciousness which relate to the chakras. But I do believe that forgiveness is necessary for healing.
Ralph |
| Calvin |
Posted - 09/13/2005 : 19:35:53
quote:
Originally posted by moose1
god knows i'm no expert on relationships, but my advice is this. if you're involved with someone who makes you miserable, get yourself out , whatever it takes. life is too short to spend it living with the wrong people.
I'm going to disagree with this.
All marriages have ups and downs. But I don't subscribe to "getting out, whatever it takes" until all resources have been exhausted. We're talking about couples counseling or individual counseling. I have done it and it really has helped having a neutral person mediate things between us. Plus reading some books on marriage has me understand how to be a better husband. (One strange thing I noticed about marriage books - every author was married at least 2x - John Gray, Phil McGraw, Barbara DeAngelis, Harville Hendrix!!!)
Anyway, I think that much like TMS, sometimes you really have to work hard at being married. But when you overcome the initial obstacles, you learn and become a better person and then its not such hard work later on. |
| moose1 |
Posted - 09/13/2005 : 19:13:24
laura and suz,
it's interesting. i am in my late 30s and have never been married. i'm in no hurry, either. i have one group of friends who are married and another who see marriage as a man-made prison. one friend told me recently that she'll never, ever get married because she sees so many of her married friends being miserable and feeling trapped by it, even after only a few years.
most of my married friends seem happy, but there are a few that are completely miserable (whether or not they admit it) and they all have the *same exact* symptoms that you both mention. these particluar people are unhappy, for various reasons, with being married and of course it gets exhibited as all sorts of muscular and intestinal pain, among other things.
i have one friend who has had so many GI tests with zero resuts that anything is wrong with him that they finally told him that the only thing it might be is that he's allergic to gluton and, they say, they have no idea if even that is correct. this same friend also *constantly* has the following symptoms on sort of a rotating schedule: back pain, sciatica, hip pain, migraines, and joint pain. he has more prescriptions than anyone i've ever known in my life. and here's the thing...he would never, ever in a million years admit that he's unhappy in his situation. he's got a wife who he has nothing in common with and two very demanding children. he's 39.
i'm seeing more and more of my fellow Generation X-ers steering clear of marriage, and after reading about some of the problems folks like you are having, as well as people i know personally, i'm pretty sure i won't be going down that road. at least not any time soon.
god knows i'm no expert on relationships, but my advice is this. if you're involved with someone who makes you miserable, get yourself out , whatever it takes. life is too short to spend it living with the wrong people.
best,
moose |
| leegold |
Posted - 09/13/2005 : 19:12:02
bacteria and virus are always around us 24/7/365. we get sick when our immune systems dont function properly- due to stress, tiredness, poor diet, or believing we will get it from someone who was sick around us, etc.
Lee
"A tranquil heart is life to the body, but passion is rottenness to the bones" |
| Laura |
Posted - 09/13/2005 : 18:13:11
Suz,
By all means, YES!!! My husband and I talked about divorce over the weekend. I went out with some friends Friday night and because of circumstances out of my control (two of them got ripped and I couldn't risk them puking in my car) I got home later than I had thought. All hell broke loose over the weekend. I'm done. I'm fed up and tired of living in a marriage that brings me no happiness and no joy. My husband wants to work it all out - I was the one who talked about divorce. At one point, he did say "Well, if we were ti divorce you would have to go get a job and you would have to move into an apartment." He is using that as leverage to "keep" me, because he knows how much I love being a stay at home mom and how much this home that I have put so much work into means to me. Do you know that my IBS has never been so bad? I mean it. My stomach hurts so bad every day, mostly when I start thinking of everything.
My 13 year old daughter told me the other day that I should divorce dad because he doesn't make me happy. My oldest (who is tighter with dad) wants us to be together forever. As for me, inasmuch as I know leaving is the right thing to do, I can't help feeling guilty for falling out of love. I'm a mess. The turmoil I'm feeling is coming out through my stomach (no dizziness though).
What's really tough is that even though I told my husband these things he refuses to listen. I either need to hit him over the head with a hammer or I just need to pack it up and move the hell out when he's not at home. I think he may get it then. You need to do the same with your ex. Move on and ditch his sorry behind. He did nothing but bring grief and aggravation into your life. And look, already you've met someone that may be a future friend/boyfriend/whatever.
Your resistance is down because you are stressed and you are stressed because you are a true TMS goodist, like me. If I was a heartless b----, then I probably wouldn't be experiencing any of these physical problems.
Good luck Suz. I'm with you all the way.
Laura
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