| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| lobstershack |
Posted - 08/30/2005 : 18:37:56
This is a topic I feel many can relate to.
The old adage like energy attracts like could not be truer. A case in point: my dear friend R that I have known since high school.
R comes from a family heavily steeped in illness. Her sister, now in her mid 20's, lives at home, sick with Fribo. R herself has had lyme disease for almost a decade, her health waxing and waning depending on myriad factors, most notably antibiotic treatment.
When I thought I had LD and was undergoing treatment, R was a constant companion, someone who I could wallow in my sorrows with.
Since HS R's health has only gotten worse. She is at the point where she lives at home, does absolutely nothing except moan about her various ailments, and, sadly, waste away. There is nothing I can do to make the situation any better, nor can I change R; I've tried, and as many of you know, it's up to the person to want to get better, to want to change. Sadly, this is not the case.
Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore R. She's smart, witty, eccentric, and best of all, real. I can, and do, share all my problems with R--that is, when I get around to actually opening up.
But times have changed, and now when I socialize with R, or even speak on the phone with her, I feel my energy draining literally right then and there. But she is so dear to me, and since I just graduated college and am in the process of saving money to move out of the house, there are not a whole lot of people left in my neighborhood, except for R. R is always around.
I might mentioned, R has a friend K. Now I know K from HS, but mainly from R. K is bulimic, and all she wants to do is talk about her eating disorder, that's it. It's either her problems or the highway. R on the other hand rarely opens up about herself--interesting that they're friends eh?
I'm at the point in my life where I just can't be around this draining energy anymore. Especially since R is always sick and always complaining about pains and medications and procedures. The difficult part is that I'm drawn to her. Like I mentioned earlier, she's always around and always there to listen to my banter. And she gives excellent advice.
Do you agree that a relationship like this is not healthy, especially for someone in the process of recovering from TMS? And if you do, how do you go about remedying the situation without being hostile or standoffish. R is a very fragile person, both emotionally and physically, and the last thing I want to do is hurt her.
Seth |
| 5 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| ralphyde |
Posted - 09/09/2005 : 11:52:23
This is the same situation as with my wife, Julie, who not only won't pick up the key, but has an extremely negative reaction to the idea that this is not physical, and continues her physical treatments (after four years of chronic back pain). I enclosed the following quote in a recent letter, but it only makes her angry at me.
"The principle is that one must renounce any structural explanation either for the pain or its cure, or the symptoms will continue. Manipulation, heat, massage, exercise, and acupuncture all presuppose a physical disorder that can be treated by some physical means. Unless that whole concept is repudiated, the pain and other symptoms continue." Sarno, HBP p. 81.
Now I've just started reading the book by Caroline Myss, "Why People Don't Heal, and How They Can," hoping to figure this out. She's a medical intuitive, but talks about "woundology" and how people get attached to and defined by their wounds so they can't let go of them. She stresses the need for forgiveness, to free the energy for healing.
Ralph
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| pault |
Posted - 09/09/2005 : 05:06:31
It is amazing how many people are out there like that.I think they need the physical excuse to not perform up to what they know their capable of,or what they are percieved to be capable of.The unconcious brain loves this stuff,as the ultimate excuse and attention getter.Most will not even consider even looking at Dr.Sarno's book as it is a direct threat to them.Sad but we all know some. Paul. |
| cameroid |
Posted - 09/05/2005 : 21:01:05
I have friend very much like your R. I love her very much, and she's driving me crazy. She has fibromyalgia and a ton of TMS equivalents. She had significant childhood trauma, and it couldn't be more obvious what's going on. She pretty much sits at home all day and obesses over her symptoms, and on the phone she talks of almost nothing but her symptoms and the various (ineffectual and miserable) treatments she undergoes for them. I sent her Mindbody Prescription and have begged her to read it or at least let me talk to her about Sarno, but she just won't do it. It's like being sick is such a lifestyle for her that she wouldn't know how to be otherwise. It's a terrible feeling for me--like watching someone locked in a cage, suffering endlessly for being locked up, speaking of nothing but the horrors of being locked up, and right next to her is the key to the cage, AND SHE WON'T PICK IT UP AND GET OUT OF THE CAGE!!!!!! Why are people so completely unable to accept this amazing technique?
As far as being dragged down by such a person--well, I keep hoping I can drag her up. We'll see... |
| Suz |
Posted - 09/01/2005 : 13:38:49
I have a new approach to friends. As I have changed, so too have my choice of friends in the last few years. I know that there are some people that I will never receive much support or delight from being with. I have learnt to limit my time with them and when I see or talk to them, I expect nothing from them. I know that the interaction will probably be more about me giving than receiving. It gives me an opportunity to be selfless with no expectations - this is very much part of practicing my faith.
I have to counterbalance those kind of friendships with spending time with people I feel good with. They tend to think like me and I receive a lot of joy from being with them - there is an unspoken commanality between us. |
| n/a |
Posted - 08/31/2005 : 15:57:26
That's a difficult one, Seth. One the one hand you care deeply for your friend and she always has been there for you. On the other hand, the company of someone who is sick and that sickness controls her life, is not condusive to recovery for you.
Will you feel guilty if you cut your contact with your friend? If you will, that in itself could negate any benefits you would get from cutting yourself off from a relationship that is energy draining.
It sounds to me that you are moving on and your relationship with R may well peter out anyway. If you are bringing your new found optimism and increasing well-ness into your relationship with her, you may no longer be giving her what she needs from you.
You may well find that as you become increasingly stronger that you can deal with this sort of negativity. In the meantime - don't beat yourself up about this - you don't need to take any major decisions regarding this relationship. Just make sure that you focus on your improvements when you are with her, don't get pulled back into any wallowing!
Best wishes
Anne |
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