| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| cheeryquery |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 01:46:28
I just found this forum but have been a big fan of Dr. Sarno's since the 1990s when his first book cured me of intractable back pain. Since then I have used Sarno's techniques very successfully in a variety of ways. My fibromyalgia, etc. do keep coming back but I just zap 'em again.
Not so with my latest problem which is that I have had plantar fasciitis for a year and can barely walk. I know it is tms but I can't stop the pain. If I try too hard it gets a lot worse. The trouble is that I am going on a month-long trip to the Middle East (Turkey and Israel) in October and I don't want my "repressed narcisistic rage" to spoil my whole trip.
Maybe some background info would help: I have been married for many years to a complicated man. He is great in many ways and getting rid of him is not an option. But, boy, does part of me want to!! He is a real pain in the **** (many parts of the body apply). He isn't my only problem but he's a biggie.
About five years ago, I got a break from the stresses of my marriage. My husband took on the full time care of his mom (age 90) and I had to move to a nearby town to work. Whoopee! For the first time since age 20 I was free, with my own money and nobody to fight with about every move I make.
It was wonderful but I was also a bit lonesome even though we talked on the phone and often saw each other daily. I guess I just don't like living alone.
Anyway, five years went by and his mom died. He inherited a lot of money and moved in with me. That's when the plantar fasciitis started. Later, we moved to a house we now share.
Right now my pain is really bad and here's what I know about it: soon after moving, we had a terrible flood (broken pipe) in our house and the insurance paid for a lot of updates that my husband never would have (he is REALLY cheap). I can't work and so I have only the bit of money I can pry out of my husband (not much) AND he has moved a ton of old junk (he's a packrat) into my lovely new house and expects me to participate in finding places throughout the house to store it. He won't just designate one room and there are not nearly enough shelves. Plus I hate an overstuffed house.
The situation is driving me nuts. I am a very strong person but he is MUCH stronger (he never quits until he gets what he wants) and now he has loads of money and I haven't got any. He has all the power unless I divorce him and take half the money which I don't want to do.
Awful.
So I need my plantar fasciitis or the man will run me off my feet with his goofy outlook on life. I really feel that the best I can do, right now, is refuse to be pushed around completely. The pain in my feet makes sure I won't be.
But I want to enjoy my trip to Turkey and Israel. What do you think? Any hope for me and the mess I'm in? Reading this over, I think not. I have incompatible goals. Also, whatever my repressed rage is, it must be a doozy. |
| 9 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| art |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 16:59:31
quote:
I am only going by your original message, where you said "Whoopee!" and "for the first time ... I was free" when describing the time you had apart from your husband. Actually, most of your message was centered around describing your husband.
I had the same reaction...It seemed clear from your first post that you were pretty much saying that the primary source of pain and stress in your life was your husband...Your second post did a kind of 180.
But it doesn't really matter. I like what Dave says about not only do you not need to know what's in your subconscious exactly, you really can't know, not for sure...
There's a logical fallacy I remember from my school days called "post hoc ergo propter hoc." Meaning, "after this, therefore because of this."
Thus, it is not necessarily so that just because your plantar f. followed your husband's moving back in with you it was caused by that...
Sure seems suspicious though... |
| Dave |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 15:51:51
quote:
Originally posted by cheeryquery
Another thing: I am not all that sure that he IS the source of rage in my life. After all, I am pretty aware of my issues with him. Why couldn't it be something else, entirely? Wouldn't that, in fact, be more consistent with Sarno's theories?
I am only going by your original message, where you said "Whoopee!" and "for the first time ... I was free" when describing the time you had apart from your husband. Actually, most of your message was centered around describing your husband.
With TMS, it's the things that you don't realize are bothering you that lead to the pain. You say: "I am pretty aware of my issues with him." But your message tells a different story. It's almost as if your followup message was defending your relationship.
There is no one source of rage; the unconscious pool of rage that causes TMS is filled by many factors. You don't have to pinpoint the cause because there are many causes, and in fact you really cannot know what is going on in your unconscious mind. However, it is important that you be completely honest with yourself and not hide from your feelings, even if they are difficult to face, or even if you don't believe that you have them. |
| art |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 14:02:00
quote:
Also, I suspect men might be less likely to identify the source of their pain as their women.
I find that quite interesting. I'm trying to figure out why that would be so. Speaking only for myself, I have absolutely no problem whatsoever in attributing the greater part of my misery in life to women... That's been the case since the age of about eight when I fell in love for the first time. I couldn't eat or sleep for months. Did I know the source of my pain?
Oh God yes.  |
| cheeryquery |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 12:16:38
Thank you for all the responses.
Art, I'm quite sure that women are just as jerky as men (equal in this, too!) but perhaps men tend less to hiding their rage from themselves. Maybe it's a protective thing from the past -- feeling the rage would have made it harder for women to keep the support systems that made raising babies possible. Dunno if that's true. Also, I suspect men might be less likely to identify the source of their pain as their women.
Anne, I will definitely follow your advice about the job when I get back but such things have been on hold because of the flood and impending trip. Also, the foot thing doesn't make getting a job easier. But you are right that I need my own money. I do have one room that is my own and it helps a lot. It is decorated with stuff I have gathered on trips and it feels really good to be there.
Dave, there isn't actually a lot of conflict between my husband and myself. There are only one or two real bones of contention. We met when I was fifteen and I was completely blown away by him. I saw him across the room and arranged for a mutual friend to set us up. I still (40 years later) think he is the cutest thing and I love the way his mind works. We are both hypersensitive to criticism but we forgive each other almost as fast and we have great times together. It's just that we are both hugely opinionated, independent and indidvidualistic. Believe me when I say that we have worked really hard on our marriage -- otherwise we would have been divorced about day two.
Another thing: I am not all that sure that he IS the source of rage in my life. After all, I am pretty aware of my issues with him. Why couldn't it be something else, entirely? Wouldn't that, in fact, be more consistent with Sarno's theories?
Regarding my husband's cheapness. He has been cheap all his life. His family is so cheap that they make him look generous. His brother, who has a huge house, millions in the bank, etc., has a free, life-time pass on an airline -- and he always stays in the cheapest b&bs when he flies around the world. His mom saved almost every penny she and his dad ever earned and that is the source of my husband's inheritance. So he feels this huge obligation to treat the money like a sacred trust.
My family, on the other hand, was free-wheeling about money. If they didn't have it, they went out and got it. My parents died almost broke but they sure had a good time. I am not a huge spender, by any means, but to my husband I look like I could be. It scares him to death.
Besides this, I feel that he really earned the money by caring for his mom for many years before her death. I couldn't stand it and bailed (yes, I had to earn a living so I had good reason -- but I probably would have left anyway). Therefore, I feel that it really is his money. Also, he spends almost nothing on himself so the bit of money he gives me seems like lots to him.
I'm sure you feel I am playing a game of "yes, but" BUT this thread has been a really useful exercise for me. I was assuming that my husband's moving back with me was my source of rage but I don't think it necessarily is. Lots else was going on at the time with my work, etc.
Besides, why do I have to pinpoint the cause? Probably don't. I need to know this is TMS and work on it until it resolves. I am used to very quick results -- a few days, at most -- but this may take longer. I have to be patient.
Thanks so much to everyobdy. Anne, you really helped me when you said, "And not worry too much about you holiday - it sounds such a fascinating trip I think your brain will be completely distracted by all the wonderful sights." You are so right about that! Even if I end up sitting sipping Turkish coffee while life swirls around me I will still have a good time.
You guys are brilliant
Molly
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| sikocycles |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 08:31:23
I had plantar fasciitis but it was before I knew about TMS. I started putting super feet in my shoes and it went away. Now my TMS is much worse. It moved to my back and leg.
Living with someone cheap is frustrating but on the other side someone that spends to much can be just as scary. I would fine a little lob to get some spending cash. Was he that cheap before he got the money? |
| Dave |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 08:14:38
Seems that you know your husband is the source of your rage, yet you say that leaving him is not an option.
You say that he has all the money and you don't have any? By my definition (and the legal one as well) a marriage is a partnership. Sounds like yours is the furthest thing from it.
Since you're unwilling to remove the obvious source of rage from your life, your only choice is to change your attitude completely. If you're really "stuck" with this guy then make it the best life you can. Accept him for what he is. Try your best to erase conflict between you.
I'm afraid your situation might be one of those rare cases where the source of the rage must be removed for the pain to ease. Since you are unwilling to divorce your husband, you have to find a way to accept your marriage for what it is, and build a life for yourself. |
| moose1 |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 07:45:52
No offense to your husband, but in my experience, living with someone who is extremely cheap (when you're not) is infuriating. I'll never do it again. That's how I discovered that money issues are HUGE in a relationship.
Moose1 |
| Scottydog |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 05:46:31
Hi Cheery,
I would get a small part time job so I at least had`some pocket money. Designate one room in the house as yours. The one you sit in most then decorate it as you like it. Surely that's not too much to ask. And not worry too much about you holiday - it sounds such a fascinating trip I think your brain will be completely distracted by all the wonderful sights.
It is really encouraging to hear that you have control over what must have been serious health problems in the past. I made great improvements at first but seem to have slipped back and it's hard to keep postive. I need to keep working on it.
All the best
Anne
Scottydog |
| art |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 05:19:29
Hi Cheery,
There sure seem to be a lot of women on this board in a great deal of pain due to jerky spouses and boyfriends...I'm beginning to regret my membership in the male species.
Not really. But still.
I think the great thing about Dr. Sarno is that you can have your cake and eat it too. In other words, he doesn't say that you necessarily have to remove the sources of stress and anger in your life. You only need be aware of it and it's connection to your physical pain.
Having said that, I can't resist asking why leaving him is not an option, especially if you'll have resources. When you say time is short I think that's true in a larger sense as well. Only one life, etc.
I'm not sure which book it is but the good doctor observes that foot problems can be slow healing because people have a hard time accepting that they have TMS there, I suppose because it's so easy to ascribe physical causes...
I'm not sure there's any way to speed the process except by doing the work prescribed.
Wish I had something more useful for you.
Welcome to the forum. |
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