| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| lobstershack |
Posted - 08/21/2005 : 17:49:28
Hi everyone,
I haven't posted in quite a while, and today I had sort of a "mini meltdown" so to speak and I would truly appreciate some input and support. By the way, I'm a lot calmer now, but still a bit worked up so I apologize if I unload quite a bit of junk.
Basically, I've been doing really well ever since finding out about Sarno last October, I was even doing well beforehand (attributed to the wonderful therapist that was finally recommended to me) but I was still perplexed at where the chronic headache in my temples that I have had everyday for the past 6 years and other transient, mostly TMJ-like symptoms, where coming from. I was still very much focused and obsessing about my body and even though I accepted the fact that I had OCD, but somehow even with this information, I was not ready to accept that all of this was emotional.
And looking back, that was the kicker, that I was perfectly content running around chasing doctors getting diagnosed with things that I thought I had, getting various treatments, researching illnesses and syndromes to no end, but erupting at the mention of anything being emotionally rooted.
Everyone around me knew that that was at the root of my "sickness," but I wasn't ready to face that fact; it was a very scary thought indeed.
I should mention that before starting with my current therapist, I was in very bad shape. Suicidal, anorexic, closeted, confused, in pain.
I eventually saw a psychiatrist and ended up on a combination of Lexapro and Wellbutrin, which lifted the dark cloud so to speak, so I could begin the work necessary to heal.
Well the past year has seen so many major events transpire before my eyes: I came out last summer, a huge deal and a huge contributor to my TMS I'm sure; graduating college this past May; starting a new job; getting ready to move out of my house for the first time; coming to terms with my sexuality. It's a lot. For anyone.
Over the course of my life, as I'm sure many can relate to on this board, I've kept all my emotions bottled up. Never reaching out for help, no matter how minor the issue, not wanting to admit that I am not a perfect human being and never will be. So even though over the past year I've been doing great, there were many times when I wasn't doing so hot, where I should have reached out to my parents, friends, and therapist especially, but didn't because I was ashamed. TMS or no TMS.
I graduated college feeling great, and everything just began moving so fast, before I knew it, I had a wonderful job, and thought that I might try stopping my medication. So of course I wanted off of it ASAP, not having the patience to go as slowly as I should have, but totally disregarding how my body was feeling.
I discontinued the Lexapro entirely, and am still on Wellbutrin 150mg/day.
What I did notice upon stopping was how EXHAUSTED the Lexapro was making me. I also felt a lot less "numb." Even when I was on the medication I never spoke up and said, hey maybe we should tinker with this or try something new because I'm getting these side effects. I was of the mind frame, OK I know I have TMS, none of this matters in the long run anyway, I don't want to deal with it.
In fact, I've emailed Dr. Sopher and he has said that he has had many patients recover from TMS with the help of medication.
And when I decided to go off of it this summer, I realized and was told that it's OK if I have to go back one and I should in no way feel defeated.
So that sort of brings us up to speed. I have been feeling "off" lately, and today the issues hit the fan so to speak. I have so much on my mind that I want to articulate, sorry if I sound a bit harried.
First and foremost, I realized that I having totally been avoiding many of the emotional issues at the root of many of my problems. My inability to feel or convey emotion, becoming comfortable with who I am as a person.
Add to that all of the changes that have been going on in my life, and the fact that I may have stopped my meds a bit too hastily, and you have the perfect breeding ground for a little freak out.
What bothers me the most are my symptoms. On the one hand, I realize I can read and read and read all I want about TMS, and understand it to the nth degree at an intellectual level, but until I begin facing what needs to be faced on an emotional level, it will never leave.
I became a little obsessed with Sarno, and self-help books for that matter, reading and reading, trying to squeeze in all the theories and advice into one, and freaking out when my issues weren't resolving pronto.
So I called my therapist today and told him a bit of what is going one. How I really want to address my symptoms (not by discussing their physical manifestations, but rather the emotional causes); how I might want to go back on meds, etc.
Now he is familiar with Sarno, and I've given him a lot of his literature and such. But part of me really wants to tell him that this is something I want to tackle head on, that I've really been skirting around during our sessions, so as to avoid addressing those scary issues.
So now I'm thinking, maybe since I started working, I could put aside $100 every week so that in a few months, if I still feel it was necessary, I could see Sarno.
I'm just scared that my therapist and I maybe aren't on the same page in terms of addressing these issues, and I just want to make sure we are.
But then I freak out even more because I'm trying to solve all of my issues in order to eradicate all of my symptoms, when we all know that all of your issues do not have to be solved in order for them to leave, that would take forever.
So I have all of this floating around in my head, plus more, and today it finally reached a head. Which is good, because I sought out the counsel of a friend, and let my parents know what was going on, although I'm going to discuss it with them further, it's just that my sister just got back from Europe and now is not a great time.
I never ever reach out like this, so this is very healthy I feel; but I just don't know how to begin to sort this out.
Part of my wants this chronic headache and these symptoms to stop ruining my young life. Part of me knows that they won't go away until I actually forget about them and start living life. Start coming into my own. But I'm afraid that if my therapist is not on the EXACT same page as Sarno, I'll never get better.
I'm very perplexed. I know we don't have to expect to solve all of our issues in order for our symptoms to go away, but what about in my case, where issues such as becoming comfortable with my sexuality, going out there and dating, moving out of the house, I mean should I wait till the symptoms go away and focus on getting rid of them before I tackle these (long) standing issues? But then wouldn't that undermine TMS theory in the sense that I'm trying to solve issues and expecting the pain to go away? What if I face them and the pain is still there! I'm so lost.
And I've been reading way too many self-help books, did I mention that? LOL.
ARRGGHH.
Sorry guys and gals, this is getting excessive.
I'll just say that I know I must have patience. I know I'm going to be fine, I've come so far. I just want to make sure I'm on the right track so to speak.
Should I call my psychiatrist? And if I do, will I never ever get rid of TMS? I don't want to be so drugged this time, with such noticeable side effects. Just something to give me a little boost. But then the voice in my head is like, Seth what if these medications give you the same symptoms that you have now (headache for instance) and since you have them already you won't know if they're causing them and then if they are they won't go away when they should with the TMS work.
I know I'm coming off nuts, I just haven't vented any of this before.
I need to stop being ashamed of having TMS and chronic pain. I'm scared to talk about it, even to myself.
I have a ton more to say, but let's just leave it at that for now. Any help is invaluable.
One last thing I forgot to note. My good friend's father is trained in NLS (neurolinguistic programming). She was telling me some of the techniques, such as talking to a symptom and telling it you know that it's there for a reason. Reprogramming yourself. Is this not what TMS work is about? Do you think it would be counterintuitive to give it a try?
Seth |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 09/07/2005 : 13:54:17
Seth,
I think that's great that you're starting to forgive your father. I'm sure this will be a turning point!
I think having a positive view to those around us is essential for our own well-being. (That also goes for ex's / previous partners in a relationship.)
Blaming others for our problems and feelings feels good superficially, but somehow it doesn't really help us deep down. Perhaps it's because it gives us an excuse to hold on to those (self-destructive) bad feelings, and makes us think we have no control over them. After all, if it's someone else's "fault", we don't have control over them -- so they are going to stay there forever!
Hilary |
| Dave |
Posted - 09/06/2005 : 08:32:57
quote:
Originally posted by PeterMcKay
quote:
Originally posted by Dave
The anxiety is a smokescreen and prevents your recovery. You might benefit from special relaxation techniques, though personally I have not used any. If I find my mind racing, I tell myself "SHHHH!!!!" and then pull an imaginary curtian over those thoughts. I don't allow them to continue. I focus on breathing, or force myself to think of something completely different, preferably something calm and soothing.
This sounds a lot like repressing one's emotions to me. Is this wise? I am asking as I too become overwhelmed with a variety of emotions and I don't know what to do with them other then to acknowledge they are there and try my best to tell my unconscious to calm down and relax and re-assure it that everything is going to be ok.
I'm not talking about genuine emotions here, I'm talking about runaway anxious thinking, which in itself is a TMS symptom (in its extreme, it is OCD).
|
| n/a |
Posted - 09/05/2005 : 11:43:36
quote:
Originally posted by Dave
The anxiety is a smokescreen and prevents your recovery. You might benefit from special relaxation techniques, though personally I have not used any. If I find my mind racing, I tell myself "SHHHH!!!!" and then pull an imaginary curtian over those thoughts. I don't allow them to continue. I focus on breathing, or force myself to think of something completely different, preferably something calm and soothing.
This sounds a lot like repressing one's emotions to me. Is this wise? I am asking as I too become overwhelmed with a variety of emotions and I don't know what to do with them other then to acknowledge they are there and try my best to tell my unconscious to calm down and relax and re-assure it that everything is going to be ok. |
| lobstershack |
Posted - 09/05/2005 : 09:41:21
Happy Holiday TMSBoard!
So I printed out this entire thread "What a day..." and let my therapist read it on Friday. Such an important decision because it truly gave him insight into how exactly I've been feeling and what has been going on in my life since I saw him last.
He feels that there are some very bright people on this board based on the responses I was receiving and encouraged me to continue using it.
I do feel now that we are both on the same page, for the most part. There was only so much we could cram into our one hour session together but he did go through the printout and mark it up--underlining important responses, adding side notes, and the like.
And interestingly enough, he said he felt that chest tightness/burning sensation is completely emotional. And guess what? During our session the pain, while it did not go away, moved! Not dramatically, but enough to be perceptible. He encouraged me to talk to it, breathe into it, and try to visualize the issues being released--or something to that effect.
He did say, facetiously, that he wishes he could burn the Sarno book (I brought it with me to the session). Not because he disagrees with the man, in fact he feels quite the opposite, but because it was taking over my life. And at this point, I really don't find it necessary to continue reading and re-reading. It's time now to put the plan into action--the hardest part.
I still have it but a lot of my fear concerning it is gone.
Basically, since I was essentially trying way too hard before obsessing about TMS and all things self-help, my new approach is to pretty much stop trying so incredibly hard--and being so incredibly hard on myself.
Anthony, in another thread summed it up nicely:
"At first, I was worried about not getting the instantaneous cure that people in Sarno's books got. However, I eventually just moved on with my life with the belief that I did have TMS and that eventually it would sink in and the pain gradually went away."
I know that part of me is still resisting the diagnosis, based on silly lingering thoughts: maybe I should get ONE more lyme test, etc. But instead of beating myself up over this and trying to force myself to accept it 100%, I think doing what Anthony did, especially in my case, is the answer.
And that is exactly what I'm trying to do. Getting on with my life, exploring relationships, meeting new people, embracing who I am, all the things that I was saving until the TMS went away. All of the issues that conjure up strong feelings of fear. This is the road to recovery, and I must admit it is scary, but no one ever said kicking this was easy and now I am beginning to understand why. Part of me, for example, gets upset knowing that I'm going into the above with pains and symptoms and a low sex drive, and wants to wait till things get better, but you know what, they won't unless I muster up the courage, and take that leap of faith.
You know, something I find to be incredibly helpful is sitting down with yourself, doing some breathing excersises, and slowly, gently, begin asking yourself questions. What is bothering me? Why am I afraid? Don't force the answers. This is not a left-brain activity :] Let them come naturally and you'll be surprised by the results. But more than anything, learn to trust them.
Looking back, I would often receive answers to the tune of: Seth, getting rid of all of these symptoms is so much easier than you think, the answers are truly at your fingertips; stop trying so hard. I didn't pay it much attention then, but now I understand what my mind was trying to tell me.
So when I notice a symptom, a pain, instead of launching into the tactic of thinking of a particular notion that bothers me, I just simply shift my attention elsewhere. (As hard as this may be sometimes.)
On the psychiatric front, I'm down to 100mg Wellbutrin--after a month of this I'll be off of it for good--and up to 40mg Cymbalta. This is only my second day on 40mg, I was on 20 the first week and so far I can't say I feel terribly different. But I do understand these meds take time and that I did start at a low dose and am working my way up slowly. This is one thing I really appreciate about my psychiatrist, his motto is "start low, go slow."
So that's it for now.
Actually, I must say, this whole "chilling out", not trying so hard bit, it's so very weird. My whole life I've had schedules and regimines and routines. Not subscribing to any of that not only is difficult, it's a bizzaire feeling. I can widdle and waddle the day away and it's ok!
One question. You know when we say that if the pain goes away when you're having fun or involved in something or excersising that it's TMS? Well, wouldn't pain do the same thing even if it wasn't TMS? Just curious.
Seth |
| PeterW |
Posted - 08/31/2005 : 09:17:57
"You know what's so ironic? I have found over the years that I can become obsessed with practically anything medically related. Any of my past diagnoses, I would research to no end, my thinking would be consumed".
"Yet I obsess about things medical, such as what I'm going through now, or what I've gone through in the past. I research and research until my eyes are bloodshot".
Seth and Calvin, so so true!
And I always thought I was anything but the obsessive type of personality, and always wondered how anyone could allow themselves to become compulsive gamblers, alcohol or drug addicts or whatever. I always had such strong self control. Well yes, over most things. But throw irresolvable health problems that defied conventional medicine into the mix and then I was no longer in 'control' of my good ship. Then the obsessing got rolling, without me even realizing what it was . . . thinking "there's got to be an answer to this" etc, pushing the concious mind even more into the forefront. The logical, rational mind that (so we think) can always deduce the answer to everything, and I needed those answers so I could feel like I could be back in control again.
And it's just to dang easy to research until our eyes are bloodshot with the joys of this internet age, with thousands of sites on every ailment and condition known to humanity, plus tons of sharks trying to convince you that their concoction or gizmo will fix this or that condition and restore you back to the vibrant health you had when you were 21 and bla bla bla.
But a few good things actually did come out of all this research, including being awoken to the Sarno perspective which shed a totally different light on things. But most of it really was a waste of time and effort.
"I need to become obsessed with letting go, with doing nothing, with surrendering".
Seth, from my perspective I'd suggest modifying that 'obsessed' to a 'focussed'. I figure it would be counterproductive to be obsessed about not being obsessed. |
| Calvin |
Posted - 08/30/2005 : 19:19:30
quote:
You know what's so ironic? I have found over the years that I can become obsessed with practically anything medically related. Any of my past diagnoses, I would research to no end, my thinking would be consumed.
I do this. This drives my therapist nuts.
I'm in the mechanical trades. Yet I obsess about things medical, such as what I'm going through now, or what I've gone through in the past. I research and research until my eyes are bloodshot. Thats great, because then I'm dog tired and I go to bed with all that on my mind. Nothing like setting up your subconscious before sleep.
What is this "need-to-know"? My shrink says its part of my anxiety condition where I have to have an answer to everything, I constantly search out information. Sort of like a defense mechanism. I'll have all the stuff I want to know in case of a worst case situation. |
| lobstershack |
Posted - 08/30/2005 : 18:00:33
Good evening,
(Paco, my cockatiel, says "HI")
As many of you know from my recent postings, I've really been reassessing how I'm approaching TMS--and my life for that matter. I've realized that it's okay to reach out for help when you need it and not have to feel like a failure--be this help in the form of medication, message board postings, conversations with friends or family, etc.
Whereas before I would mainly recite the TMS principles verbatim in my head, now I'm actually forcing myself--hard as it is sometimes--to put the work into action. For instance, in the past when running I would really focus on my shin splints the entire time and say "Seth it's TMS, just a distraction," but I would still be paying it utmost attention. It was doing its job. Now I put all my efforts into forcing myself to think about anything else but the pain.
Another problem was that TMS theory and the mind-body connection began to dominate my life--I was literally eating, breathing, and thinking self-help all day long. I thought the more that I read and the more times I recited lines from MBP, the faster I would recover, clearly not the case.
Now I'm bent on reclaiming my life. Enjoying things for once. My life was still incredibly regimented, and I was convincing myself otherwise for fear of admitting that I might need a different direction in therapy, or a medication tinker.
I've since started reading a Fantasy novel. Do you know how long it's been since I've read a book for leisure? Years. I forgot what it was like to get lost in the pages.
Currently, I try and spend a solid 30 minutes every day thinking long and hard about what is bothering me--something again that I would often think about doing, but never actually implemented. If I find myself during the day thinking about my pain(s) I remind myself quickly what is going on, maybe think about something that is bothering me if I have time, otherwise I just try and focus my attention elsewhere.
Now I understand why people say recovering from TMS is work, hard work. Before I never quite grasped that.
Dave, you had mentioned--after I posted about the chest pains and seeing a doctor--that I still may not be surrendering to the TMS theory completely. While I would like to think I have, I believe you're right, there still is resistance--this is upsetting I must admit. Is this just something that I should not worry about, something that will come with time (and patience)?
It's easy to say--in my case for example--oh, I'll know I REALLY have TMS aand the work will REALLY begin after I make sure that this chest pain thing is fine; and after I see a TMS doc. This is just part of the cycle I believe. Things must start now; hard as this is.
You know what's so ironic? I have found over the years that I can become obsessed with practically anything medically related. Any of my past diagnoses, I would research to no end, my thinking would be consumed.
I need to become obsessed with letting go, with doing nothing, with surrendering.
By the way, I started the Cymbalta 20mg on Sunday, and today I am feel a little bit better. I keep telling myself not to get too caught up with whether or not this is due to the medication, because, ultimately, It's me who is responsible for my healing.
Much love.
Seth |
| n/a |
Posted - 08/29/2005 : 03:06:13
Hi Seth
I've been reading your posts with interest - what you describe, I call it an 'All over the placeness,' sounds so very familiar. I recognise what I felt like a couple of years ago. Some new symptom would surface, some new medication prescribed - almost immediate concerns about said medication; I'd read all the small print about side-effects and convince myself that I was experiencing one of them, inevitably one of the most serious. We have a help line here in the UK called 'NHS 24' You can call it and talk to a nurse who will ask you about your symptoms and then advise you what to do next. I dread to think now about how often I called them, usually at around 3am.
I remember the horrible, out-of-control anxiety - it really was no way to live. At the time I sometimes almost despaired of ever being 'normal', but the key word there is 'almost' because deep down, I think I knew that I could change things and I did. It seems to me, from what you say, that you have that same determination.
You're on the way to recovery, Seth - it comes through in what you say. I wish there was one thing that you could do or take that would short-cut things for you, but I don't believe there is - my recovery was in little stages. The thing is to focus on every little improvement you notice, accept the setbacks - that's all they are.
If there were any defining moments for me - they were, in retrospect, probably these - reading Dr Sarno's ideas and having a psychiatrist tell me that someone who is willing to explore ideas concering anxiety and mind/body problems the way I was, will get better. I remember the way he said it, with such conviction - it really hit home.
One other thing - I got to the stage where I began to take the attitude that. yes, serious physical illnesses exist, and yes, it was possible that I would get one, but was that possibilty going to control my life? Not any more.
You have been through such a lot - no wonder your mind and body were stressed to the point they were, but you'll work out another way to react to things - give it time and be kind to yourself. You will get that TMS gremlin under your thumb where it belongs.
Very best wishes
Anne
|
| lobstershack |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 19:47:51
This weekend, in retrospect, saw a handful of wonderful things pass. I may or may not have mentioned this on this board in the past, but I do have a history with my father. In essence, he is a spitting image of me, or rather, I of him, and being as such we have had much tension between one another over the years. We've never had much of a relationship, and I've always had an intense anger towards him. Well, recently I came to the realization that he was just doing the best with the knowledge he had at the time. I told him this, and how I'm beginning to sow forgiveness in my heart. He was overjoyed.
We spent Saturday together, something we haven't done in over a decade, and I took the time to talk to him about what has being going on with me, physically, emotionally, how I still have the same symptoms that I was chasing in the past, but that now, I know what needs to be done to eradicate them. Supportive he was, incredibly.
So that was a plus. I took my first dose of Cymbala today, so let's cross our fingers.
What's distressing is this: I know what needs to be done in order to heal, you've told me, I've read it, I've even had many conversations with myself, and have had my mind tell myself that the answer is surprisingly simple, that none of my symptoms are dangerous, that the answer lies in getting on with my life, but as we all know, it's easier said than done.
I want more than anything to get on with my life, but there are times when I catch myself thinking quite the opposite. That I NEED these symptoms, that it's too scary without them. I know in my heart that this isn't true, it just scares me that these thoughts would enter my head. And I begin to believe that they are in fact emanating from my heart, and not my mind. So amongst all these negative thoughts, I must further solidify my resolve, and push on. Thankfully, I have everyone on this board behind me 100%.
As for that chest pain/burning I mentioned, it probably is TMS, and I even took an antacid today just to see if would have any effect. I did not. But I do have a physical coming up and will mention it to the doctor if it still is an issue. Dave, you're right. The cycle can go on forever, new symptoms, new doctors, and new fears.
After I had this turn around in my thinking last Sunday, I mentioned in a subsequent post that I had this new found excitement, that what happened was necessary in order for me to complete my healing. But you know what. I find myself slipping into that old familiar cycle. And I'm glad I'm realizing it.
What I mean by this is allowing my mind to turn everything against me. Seth, you're on the wrong medication. Seth, it's not going to help it's going to make things worse. Seth, you must have the chest pain checked out or else you're never going to make progress. This can go on indefinitely. Not anymore. Even as I'm saying this, I can feel, viscerally, the tug; that is, the part of me that is saying that I do not want this to go away. But I'm stronger than this. Way stronger.
I'm glad also that I've mustered up the courage to post every day without fear that I'm bothering any of you. Such a silly thought indeed. This is a big step for me, admitting that I need help and utilizing an outlet, but I feel it's necessary in order for me to heal.
I'm only 23. There's a whole world out there. I don't need this anymore. I'm ready to move on.
Thank you again.
(As I trip over my soapbox.)
Seth |
| leegold |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 19:28:45
"Do you think it's ok if I don't read Sarno or this board everyday?"
i was just at one of sarnos follow-up group mtg last tuesday. he said in no uncertain terms that if you are in therapy then you do NOT need to continue to read his book daily- the real issue for healing is in the work you'll be doing w/ the therapist.
i still continue to read the books, but not as heavily as before working on the issues.
i keep a copy in the bathroom for easy reference... 
Lee
"A tranquil heart is life to the body, but passion is rottenness to the bones" |
| Curiosity18 |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 16:42:11
Seth,
Sorry, computer error! Anyway as I was saying, the Cymbalta does seem to work on both the anxiety as well as the Depression. It also helps with the obsessive, ruminating thoughts. I really like the advice that your father gave you. While the medication may, or may not impact your pain level, that is not your intent. In fact I would think that it would help you to be able to better focus on, and work through the TMS emotional issues. Go easy on yourself!
Curiosity18 |
| Curiosity18 |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 16:33:19
Seth,
I know a handful of people who have really been helped by Cymbalta. It does seem to work on |
| lobstershack |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 13:27:20
Dave & Dan,
Thanks for your thoughts. I did explain to my psychiatrist my anxiety, etc. I told him that ideally I would like something that covers not only depression, but anxiety as well. Apparently, this medication covers a number of different fields. I agree with everything you've said, all of your suggestions. Currently, there is a ton on my mind and I'm trying to work through it all, slowly, piece by piece. I'm supremely happy that all of this has transpired this past week and am even happier that all of you have been here to support me.
I'm going to relax at Barnes and Nobel now. I'll speak to you tonight.
Seth |
| Lmvine |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 12:21:28
Good advice from Dave. Anti-depressants made my anxiety worse.
Short term advice: get out and do some aerobic exercise walk, hike, run bike, swim, etc. Do something fun & strenous. Volunteering is another good remedy though not quite as short term. Both help my anxiety.
You didn't get into this fix in a day so don't expect "one minute wonders".
Dan |
| Dave |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 10:30:54
Does your psychiatrist know that you have such high anxiety? Did you explain to him your "out of control" thoughts inside your head?
If so I find it interesting that he would give you an anti-depressant and not an anti-anxiety medication. I assume you trust your doctor, but you should know that doctors often have incentives to perscribe the "latest and greatest" meds.
The mild burning pain could be heartburn, a TMS symptom. Or it could be nothing. It is unlikely that it is serious or has anything to do with your heart. But if you're concerned, you should see a cardiologist.
Unfortunately you'll keep developing new symptoms and keep seeing other doctors to rule out the terrible things that you think they might be. You're still unable, for whatever reason, to really accept TMS, including treating the anxiety itself as TMS. Maybe the new medication will help you to calm down, but if it doesn't, perhaps you should see a different psychiatrist.
The anxiety is a smokescreen and prevents your recovery. You might benefit from special relaxation techniques, though personally I have not used any. If I find my mind racing, I tell myself "SHHHH!!!!" and then pull an imaginary curtian over those thoughts. I don't allow them to continue. I focus on breathing, or force myself to think of something completely different, preferably something calm and soothing.
You can stop the anxiety, but it takes focus and hard work. |
| lobstershack |
Posted - 08/27/2005 : 22:58:47
Ok,
So I saw the psychiatrist today and told him basically what I have told you guys and gals and we agreed to taper of the 150mg of Wellbutrin that I am on and start fresh with a new medication: Cymbalta. I'm going to start out taking the lowest dose, 20mg, and take it from there. Now here is where my neuroses kick in--when don't they?
Cymbalta is the newest antidepressant on the market and is in the same class of medication as Effexor. It has been approved for not only depression, but chronic pain as well. Yikes!
Now for some reason I'm terrified of taking it. I'm not exactly sure why. What if I take it and by some primordial act of fate all of my symptoms and pain disappear? HA! I mean, I'm also certain this is not going to happen, but I'm afraid that if it does in fact have a positive effect on my pain/symptoms that I will not be able to address their root cause and I will be stuck with the TMS mama forever.
My father put it nicely: he said, Seth, why don't you think of it this way, tell yourself that if it helps with the pain, that is fine, but this is not why you're taking it, for you're addressing the root cause, the emotions.
Can you begin to understand why I'm thinking this way? I was so proud of myself for gathering up the courage to actually admit that I'm not perfect and that it's ok to reach out for help, and that I might need to try something new chemically, but, as is the case with me and anything medically related, no matter what, things seem to always get out of control inside my head.
Can anyone provide any insight for this lost lamb? 
Also, I know I'm not supposed to discuss symptoms, I understand that, but I wanted to get this off my chest, literally. About a week or two prior to starting my new job I developed this mild burning pain on my left side underneath my breast/rib cage area. Then it went away, for the most part. Now, as of Wednesday--note my breakdown on Sunday--it has returned. This scares me. Right before my eyes I can see the power that TMS has on me. My desire to focus and obsess on this new symptom is incredible.
Now, I am due for a yearly physical, and will bring it up to the doctor if it is not gone by then, but I cannot help but wrongfully muse: what if it's my heart? Or the beginning stages of some type of cancer? I'm only 23!
And when I do go for my checkup, I was going to ask them to run a Lyme Disease test just for sh-ts and giggles. I KNOW I don't have LD. In fact, before I knew TMS was the problem, I subjected myself to over 6 months of IV antibiotics, and countless others of oral medications. But, just to get one last test would get the thought out of my head once and for all--I think.
Seth |
| yowire |
Posted - 08/26/2005 : 18:20:05
Seth wrote:
quote:
It's just that I'm still confused--and I realize that I am overanalyzing--as to why people, e.g., Dr. Schechter, say that we do not have to solve all of our issues in order to recover from TMS. Because by beginning to tackle the issues, facing them head on, TMS begins to go away. But it's not because certain issues are being solve--they don't have to be--it's because we are changing our focus entirely? This prospect is scary indeed, because I cannot help but enter into it thinking that the pain will last forever because every issue must be solved.
Every issue does not have to be solved. There are several theories as to why this is so. In a recent interview, Dr. Sarno postulated that the reason his program may work is because the unconscious mind eventually loses its fear of the rage. This is not an exact quote but it was along these lines. Dr. Nancy Selfridge has a book called "Freedom from Fibromyalgia" in which she tries to explain the neurochemistry as to why Dr. Sarno's method works even though the emotional issues need not be solved or even found. Her explanations are based on the work of Candace Pert and have to do with the interruption of the neuropeptide chemistry of pain that happens with Dr.Sarno's method.
I don't know if any of this is true and I don't think it matters. I believe if you just keep at it you will see results in time.
quote:
Seth wrote:
Do you think it's ok if I don't read Sarno or this board everyday?
Yes. Its OK. You don't have to make this a chore.
quote:
Seth wrote:
Now I did tell one girl at work, and I am aware that people talk, and I am also aware that people are not stupid (the "gaydar" does exist lol), so I'm sure people know even though I haven't formally told them. Must I?
This is up to you, of course, but it is none of your co-workers business. You are not obligated to tell them.
quote:
Seth wrote:
In my mind I've created this idea that in order for my pain to leave I'm going to have to wail my brains out and wallow for weeks on end. While it is true that I probably will cry down the line, does this have to be the case?
No. I don't think you need to cry excessively. I have had great improvement of many symptoms and I only cried a few times doing the work.
Yowire |
| miehnesor |
Posted - 08/25/2005 : 19:41:53
quote:
Originally posted by Seth
Actually I did have one thing to say: miehnesor, I value your opinion very much, your advice is very on point, but, while I do understand that I must live my life and the symptoms will take care of themselves, isn't thinking that they're not going to go away any time soon in essence self defeating? Yes, I do understand that we cannot expect them to leave tomorrow, or possibly even next week, and no, we should avoid tracking progress, but that statement left me a bit fluttered mentally. Let me know what you think.
Seth- I'm sorry I said that because I don't know when your symptoms are going to be gone just as I don't know when mine will be gone. All we can do is do the TMS work and try to carry on and not let it run our lives and occupy our thoughts too much. This is easy to say and hard to do when you are in TMS pain and I know how tough it can be. I'm sorry if I ramble on with the inner child stuff too much. I'm sure the group must be pretty tired of my broken record on that one. It's just that feeling is the only thing that has had any affect on my own TMS symptoms and when you can experience the repressed feelings it can really give you religion that there is really something buried inside that is causing the physical pain.
Seth- you are making progress and have a lot of courage to go at it the way that you have. Keep on truckin! |
| lobstershack |
Posted - 08/25/2005 : 19:07:14
I'm taking a response hiatus today, but I would still like to extend warm loving feelings of thanks!
Speak to everyone tomorrow!
Actually I did have one thing to say: miehnesor, I value your opinion very much, your advice is very on point, but, while I do understand that I must live my life and the symptoms will take care of themselves, isn't thinking that they're not going to go away any time soon in essence self defeating? Yes, I do understand that we cannot expect them to leave tomorrow, or possibly even next week, and no, we should avoid tracking progress, but that statement left me a bit fluttered mentally. Let me know what you think.
Posting everyday is so fun! (And cathartic!) |
| miehnesor |
Posted - 08/25/2005 : 13:09:39
quote:
Originally posted by Seth
Oh wait, another thought: I'm terified of crying. This is due I think to a fear of losing control, a fear of exposing weaknesses, a fear that somehow I failed. In my mind I've created this idea that in order for my pain to leave I'm going to have to wail my brains out and wallow for weeks on end. While it is true that I probably will cry down the line, does this have to be the case? I must say I think about it a lot. It scares me. Sometimes I believe that I have to schedule wailing sessions, but does such a thing exist? You cannot plan these things. Me oh my, so many thoughts swirling about in Seth's head!
Seth- TMS started very early in your life and the pattern of repression of emotion was laid down with lots of walls of reinforcement. You need to let go of the notion that this is going away any time soon and just force yourself to live your life with the symptoms as best you can. I know this is hard because i'm in the same boat that you are in.
You are intellectualizing your emotional pain big time. When you see yourself doing it slow down and try and feel, as Dave was saying, instead of thinking. TMS is not thinking its the lack of feeling.
You may want to consider looking into some of the inner child stuff as its clear that the problems go way back for you. I've found it helpful to connect with feelings. Over time you may want to try doing some visualizations where you go back in time and find yourself as a child. Find the child and talk to him. Tell him you know how much he has gone through. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you are going to visit him often and try to learn as much as you can about his hurt and pain. Tell him that you accept him - all of him exactly as he is.
Ok the last paragraph may have helped me more than you but this is helping me feel so what the hell. |
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