| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Suz |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 07:26:35
I cannot take this and simply don't understand. My upper back spasms are back at night time - giving me a very difficult night's sleep. I woke up at 4:00 am, nauseous with the pain.
As many of you know, I broke off my engagement as I found out that my fiance's financial situation was pretty bad. We had many arguments about raising children - i really want to be a stay at home mom. He wanted me to work my whole life as he didn't know if his business would bring in any income over the next 10 years. I realized that I was to be the one supporting us. I was paying for the wedding, honeymoon - even buying him a car. So - I broke it off and told him to get his act together. At that point, I decided that he was not the man for me. He is a changed man. He is looking for a new job - that offers a base with commission (he is in sales). He has lost weight - he is running every day. He even wore pants to church (I hated that he was the only one in shorts). Basically, he is starting to grow up.
I am in a conflict. I saw him with friends last night and thought "wow - he is just so cute" and he is really trying to turn his life around. I am still angry and I need to see a lot more action - not just words.
I feel like my life is on hold as I wait for him to get financially more secure. Well - that could take a long time. I am 35 years old and I don't have that much longer to be able to have children. I think I rushed into marrying him because I wanted a family so badly.
Maybe this conflict is causing all the pain. Also, that I have fear that I will miss the chance to marry and have a family. Am I supposed to wait forever. I am trying not to have feelings for him but I really care about him.
Meanwhile, my back is out of control. How easy it is to forget what the pain feels like.
Any thoughts or help would be much appreciated. |
| 18 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Albert |
Posted - 08/16/2005 : 09:53:33
Your welcome Laura.
quote:
Originally posted by Laura
Albert,
Thank you for the info. I just bought a beautiful relaxation CD by Vivaldi. I listened to Vivaldi during surgery a few years ago (lumpectomy that was supposed to be done under medication to relax and make me looped) and it was all I needed to get through it. Honestly, I've had dental cleanings that were worse than that 45 minute surgical procedure. After reading what you wrote, I went out and got the CD and thought I'd play it softly in the background while meditating. My daughters start back to school next week and I'll have 6 1/2 hours a day to work on myself, including the meditation.
Again, thank you for explaining it for me. You were very helpful.
Have a nice weekend!
Laura
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| Laura |
Posted - 08/12/2005 : 12:39:06
Albert,
Thank you for the info. I just bought a beautiful relaxation CD by Vivaldi. I listened to Vivaldi during surgery a few years ago (lumpectomy that was supposed to be done under medication to relax and make me looped) and it was all I needed to get through it. Honestly, I've had dental cleanings that were worse than that 45 minute surgical procedure. After reading what you wrote, I went out and got the CD and thought I'd play it softly in the background while meditating. My daughters start back to school next week and I'll have 6 1/2 hours a day to work on myself, including the meditation.
Again, thank you for explaining it for me. You were very helpful.
Have a nice weekend!
Laura
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| Albert |
Posted - 08/11/2005 : 12:56:25
Laura:
Thank you for your kind words. It's hard to say what's right for another person, and I'm still figuring it out myself. That said, here are a few key points:
-Look out for all the phony meditation teachers out there. There are so many of them it's mind boggling.
-Instead, rely on your own inner self. Don't underestimate your ability to find the answers you need within.
-Regarding a method of meditation, have you ever noticed how you can be aware in so many different ways? You can see all sorts of things, hear all kinds of sounds, smell different ordors, taste different flavors, experience different feelings, and think of all kinds of thought patterns. Try to become familiar with the awareness that allows you to experience so many different things without being touched itself. Don't underestimate what this awareness is all about.
With the above in mind, while I meditate, I don't do breath control, mantra repetition or some other type of mind quieting technique. Instead I recognize that everything I experience points to the awareness I am and is basically of the same nature (made of the same basic energy). This recognition makes it so that I don't have to struggle with the thoughts and perceptions I'm experiencing. I easilly tune into a sense of inner peace. This enables me to meditate on whatever I need to meditate on. Sometimes I'll meditate on a particular issue I'm working on. Sometimes I'll try to tune into my inner being at a deeper level than I have before.
Don't make it a test. Accept whatever success you have.
-When you meditate on an issue, try to look at it from a broader perspective. The broader your perspective, the more power and freedom of mind you'll have to gain clarity on the issue.
-Another "VERY" helpfull thing to do is to start a dream journal with the intent of seeing what your dreams tell you about yourself and life. Mine have told me so much about myself. Much more than I could ever find from a book or some teacher. Don't underestimate how much your dreams can help you. The symbology you perceive during dreams might seem strange at first, but since dreams are created for your benefit, it is within your grasp to decipher what the symbols mean.
-Regarding the energy I feel, take care about energy manipulation recommendations. Sometimes manipulations can lead to problems, and the people who recommend them often don't know how to help you with these problems. It's better to deal with things on a psychological level. If the energy I speak of comes to life, it'll do so more naturally this way. Actually, it's alive in everybody, but to varying degrees. Just so you know, it can become very strong. Once you let the Genie out of the bottle you have to be really attentive to it.
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| ssjs |
Posted - 08/11/2005 : 11:04:43
Suz,
I meant to reply earlier to one of your posts, because I wanted to say that most people, when they are broken up with, suddenly look better, and act better. Superficially it looks like a real change is taking place. They get thin, dress better, and the brightness of their smile goes up a notch.
Why, I once paid a friend $50 dollars to clean my room, because a boy who broke up with me said I was a sloB...I was...and still am. If he had fallen for my trick, he would have seen a few months of perfect behavior, but then he would have seen me turn into the same old disorganized, scatter brained slob, and we would have been argueing the rest of our time together about it.
I was not the person for him, in a fundemental way...for him!
I found a man who loves me for who I am...well he wouldn't mind if I were a bit neater...but it is not something he cannot live with. And over time, I am learning.
Your old guy will find someone that is more in tune with his ways, and that will be good for him.
And you will find a man who will give you what you want.
Reading your posts, I saw MANY reasons not to marry this guy, and just a few to marry him...and those reasons had mostly to do with fear and guilt.
Terrible reasons to stay with someone!
As Lance Armstrong says,
LIVE STRONG
Sandy |
| Laura |
Posted - 08/11/2005 : 10:53:38
Suz,
Great news! Isn't it amazing what your body seems to be telling you??? I'm so glad to hear you were without pain last night. Keep up the good work.
Laura
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| Laura |
Posted - 08/11/2005 : 10:52:07
Albert,
Very enlightening post! I have been reading The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer and meditation is a big part of this book. I have started meditating this week, in an effort to help dissolve some of the stress that I seem to carry on a day to day basis. After reading what you said, I am encouraged even more to meditate on a daily basis. Tell me, how long did you start out meditating for and how long do you meditate for now? Is it EVERY day, twice a day...? Also, since I'm new to this whole meditation thing, do you focus on the energy moving through your body and nothing else, or, do you think about one word (say, God), or do you focus on your breath? Dr. Dyer has a book or a CD or something that you can buy that teaches you meditation and I was going to look into it.
Thanks for your help! I'm glad to hear of your success!
Laura
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| Albert |
Posted - 08/11/2005 : 10:04:10
Suz:
Glad to read that you didn't have any pain last night!
I've found a number of times that letting go of inner psychological conflict causes pain to go away.
This isn't quite TMS theory, but I believe it's worth sharing. I meditate. I've been doing so for a number of years. Because of this I feel an energy flowing through my body that I didn't feel before I meditated. Occasionally I'll feel a pain in a part of my body. When I sit down to meditate and the energy flow increases, I find that the energy is blocked right where the pain is. Once the energy makes its way past the block the pain goes away.
This energy is subtler than physical energy. I'm able to tell this because I can feel it move through physical tissue. Thought patterns on the other hand are subtle enough to stop its flow. When I determine what the psychological culprit is the block goes away and along with it the pain.
I know it might seem strange that psychological blocks would occur in places other than a person's brain. Perhaps the problem is that science doesn't fully understand how completely intertwined a person's body, mind and spirit are. |
| Suz |
Posted - 08/11/2005 : 08:51:14
Albert,
Your sentence: Unless you're willing to compromise with his ways, he doesn't represent your way of fullfilling your dreams.
I cannot tell you how much this helped me - thank you so much. I spent the evening thinking about my relationship and all the doubts I had. It mirrored my first engagement before my first marriage when I had many many doubts that I didn't listen to. This is when my sciatic pain began. Hello! That is hardly a coincidence. The pain continued through my marriage. I do not want a repeat of this. It is very hard for some reason to admit these doubts but I had to do it. I thought of my idea dream feelings of what it would be like to be with someone who fits with me. I realized that it is ok. not to be with Jerome.
I had a night of NO PAIN! yes - the pain has left again. My body refuses to let me be with this man - this is incredible.
I wonder if other people have changed things in their lives, had a massive epiphany and then the pain has stopped. I think I might give sarno a call and ask him if this could be the case. |
| Albert |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 17:17:24
Suz:
It isn't surprising that you're still feeling some conflict about this. Life can be kind of complicated at times.
If you're going to marry somebody it should be because you want to, not because of guilt/pitty. You wouldn't be doing him a favor if you married him without really wanting to. Therefore, there is no need to feel guilt. You're actually doing him a favor by doing what you want to do, even if he isn't able to see this at this time.
Any over night changes he makes now should be for his sake, not yours.
Don't let your concern about getting up there in years to be a reason to cling to him in any way. Unless you're willing to compromise with his ways, he doesn't represent your way of fullfilling your dreams. So why act as if he does?
"TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR HANDS AND MAKE CERTAIN YOU HAVE LET GO WITH BOTH OF THEM." |
| Suz |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 15:21:23
yup, dave. It looks like space is the right way to go. I always fall into thinking of the other person's feelings before my own - I am hardly an angel as I don't think this comes from an unselfish place just that I got used to doing that when i was young in order to get affection. Also, it is just plain, old fashioned low self esteem not to think that one's own feelings are equally as important if not more important when it comes to these kind of life decisions. Why can't I think about what I want? I am really going to distance myself and take time. I will focus on discussing this with the psychologist at my Friday session.
It is very useful to go back and read over my old posts - when I was much more decisive and stronger - I think that will help |
| Dave |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 14:41:32
quote:
Originally posted by Suz
I think I need to get on with my life and leave him alone -start going out and meeting new people. I think I might be worrying too much about his feelings again - hence the guilt.
Based on how you describe your mother, it seems you've spent a good part of your life putting other people's feelings in front of your own.
Take your own advice. You owe it to yourself. You need time away from him to clear your mind and get in touch with your true feelings, whatever they may be.
I had similar doubts after a 3 1/2 year relationship. We decided to spend some time apart. After a few weeks my feelings were crystal clear. There was absolutely no way I was going back to her. |
| Suz |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 13:14:49
Laura,
Thank you for your lovely words of support. You are right - the conflict is awful. I just got back from looking at appartments to buy - such a great, empowering feeling! Jerome didn't want us to buy as he said it was too much but I always wanted to. Well, I am the one with the savings! I do feel guilt about leaving him and fear but you are right, I am not over the hill! Two guys chatted me up yesterday in Wholefoods supermarket!! Strange place to meet people!
I am keeping busy. I have two events through my church this week - two groups who focus on single people in their 30s and 40s and talking about the faith - this is what I love to do. One is a barbecue. I feel a bit depressed going as no one knows that i broke off the engagement. I never got to know any of these people very well as I spent most of my time with Jerome. I guess it is always a bit anxiety causing when one goes somewhere new. I am an extrovert by nature (despite my anxiety riddled posts!) so I do not really get that shy although I always find that a group of single women can be a bit daunting. It takes me back to when my mother made me do the debutante season when I was 18 in England. I hated it!
I think I just need to take a break from all this thinking and let go. I spend a great deal of time worrying about him.
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| Laura |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 13:05:00
I meant "relationships are NOT supposed to be this difficult." Sometimes the fingers on the keyboard are going too fast for my brain!
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| Laura |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 13:02:10
Suz,
I think your back hurts because you are having such conflicting thoughts. In your last post, you said "I think that it has a chance if he makes some big changes" in one breath, and in the next "I just need to give the ring back and let go." Your poor brain is so conflicted right now, thus your back is "acting out" and spasming again. I think this is one of those instances where you need to put the love for yourself first. Take care of yourself, Suz, and stop worrying about hurting his feelings. You felt better when you made the decision to separate, and everything you say tells me that deep down that's what you want. You are letting the guilt get in the way of what you really feel.
You are only 35. Women have children into their 40's these days. Christie Brinkley had her third child when she was something like 45 or 46, didn't she? I have a friend who is 41 who just had a baby. That is no reason to get married. You are selling yourself short. You have a lot to offer and you need to find someone compatible with you. With this guy, it seems that it's too little too late.
Make the break and give the guy his ring back so you can both move on and have a good life. Read Dr. Dyer's books Manifest Your Destiny and The Power of Intention, and work on manifesting what you want in your life. I'm telling you, Suz, relationships are supposed to be this difficult. This is causing you physical pain - very real, physical pain - and you need to do what's best for Suz, not this guy.
Take care of yourself and good luck.
Laura
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| Suz |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 12:16:31
Anne,
I think that it has a chance if he makes some big changes - in other words, gets some stability, moves out from his mom's etc. which he is doing. But right now, who knows if that will happen. I might be looking for some kind of miracle. It does seem that my body doesn't want me to be with him (or rather my mind!)as every time I go back to fantasizing being with him, my back spasms out of control.
This is a really tough decision - although I made that decision already when I broke off the engagement. I just have to give the ring back and let go.
It is so helpful to post here because one gets some objective opinions and a deeper understanding of where the pain is coming from. |
| n/a |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 11:09:36
You are in a really hard place to be, Suz; no wonder you are in pain.
Your dilemma - hurt your ex-fiance, your physical pain eases and you feel relief.
Don'r hurt your ex-fiance, your pain becomes excruciating.
Ask yourself what you are storing up for the future if you drift back to him. Is there a chance you will be living with physical pain, unbearable stress for you and unhappiness for him, or do you honestly think that it has a chance to work?
If you don't think this has at least an even chance of working - you know what you have to do. Don't stretch it out, that will make it worse for both of you.
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| Suz |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 08:07:42
hmm, Dave. You sure do get to the bottom of things!
Your post has got me thinking. How do I care for him? I feel guilt when I look at him for what he is going through and I wonder if my feelings are more maternal in nature. I felt annoyed when he gave me a compliment last night - telling me I looked nice in my pants. I wanted to say - "oh just go away - it's going to take more than that for me to go back to you".
I think returning the ring will help me. I sat looking at it last night and wondered if it was difficult to give back because it meant the end of it all - at least it emphasized that I am really not getting the fairy tale right now.
I think I need to get on with my life and leave him alone -start going out and meeting new people. I think I might be worrying too much about his feelings again - hence the guilt.
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| Dave |
Posted - 08/10/2005 : 07:36:39
Try to recall the emotions at the moment when you originally decided to break off the engagement.
Remember -- you were FREE of pain. For a moment, you allowed yourself to be free of external pressure, and you made a decision with your gut.
Go back to that time. Free your mind of all thoughts. Try to feel that moment again.
You are letting external pressures, fear, guilt, doubt control you once again.
So, now instead of considering marrying a child, you are considering marrying someone who is "starting to grow up."
Last week you said you loved him as a friend. Now you say you really care about him. But as a wife? Or as a friend? Or as a mother figure?
Re-read your message, all the elements of tremendous conflict are obvoius. I think you know exactly what is causing the pain; you just are reluctant to face it. |
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