| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| lobstershack |
Posted - 07/28/2005 : 21:30:16
Hi,
I may have mentioned that I just started a new job. This is my first full-time job (I just graduataed college) and basically I am on the creative team for a leading online luxury auction house.
So, as you may or may not know, I'm gay. I officially came out last summer and find that my confidence and security in my sexuality is growing, albeit slowly. But we cannot rush these things, it's something that must happen on its own, I'm aware of that.
Yesterday at work I was sitting complacently at my desk--I work in a loft-type setting, no cubicles or dividers, you can hear everything within an earshot--and one fellow must have said he liked cats (I was listening to my IPod and didn't catch the exact beginning of the conversation), then the director of operations (basically the boss of my whole department, young guy, 30ish) said something to the effect of "You know what I think, all guys who like cats are SUSPECT." What followed was some moderate banter and the conversation fizzled.
I was absolutely furious. I know what he meant when he said that. I felt so angry and hurt and upset. And I should mention that I have grown up pretty sheltered, and by this I meaan I come from a VERY liberal and supportive family, all my friends hold similar views, I went to Sarah Lawrence (perhaps the gayest college on earth lol), and grew up close to NYC.
I went home and told my parents and they essentially told me that aside from the fact that he wasn't speaking to me directly, I was over analyzing the entire situation and blowing the incident out of proportion. They noted that it probably is not a good idea to speak to this fellow and to just make a note of the incident and move on.
Now, everyone at work, for the most part, is very friendly, including this guy. He always says hi to me and asks how I'm doing. It's just that my self-confidence has been crushed. I now feel--and I know this is so antithetical to what I should be feeling--ashamed to be gay and am beginning to realize that this is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life--to one degree or another.
I do not want to hide my sexuality at work, nor do I think I really have to. I did tell one girl, who also went to a very liberal college and is an artist, and I don't intend to hold a meeting or anything of that nature, but if it does come up I will share.
So now I'm creating all these storylines in my head, that everyone at work is a raging homophobe out to get me. I know this isn't the case, but I more than anything just want to be able to be myself. This is so important to me.
I am aware that a new job in and of itself is a huge stressor, and being gay just adds to the situation.
I'm just looking for some advice and support on the issue. While I do find a few people--mostly the young guys in or right out of college--to be quite immature and possibly homophobic, for the most part everyone is really quite nice. I just feel that since my boss is young, he often tries to placate to these individuals.
My parents also mentioned that the reason I got so upset over this whole incident is because maybe I'm not fully comfortable with my own sexuality yet. And this is true. But once again, this is something I think that grows over time with experience, and above all, loving oneself.
The last thing I want to do is make waves, I haven't even been there a full two weeks yet.
I've been obsessing over this non-stop since it happened. Constantly thinking, am I acting too "gay"? Do they know I'm gay? And on, and on, and on...
Help!
Thanks!
Seth |
| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| lobstershack |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 21:59:37
Wow, thanks for all of the responses. Baseball, I agree, I do need to focus on this area of my life.
After I oficially came out last summer I pretty much thought that that was it, I didn't actually have to do any more soul searching, or think hard about whether or not I was actually comfortable with myself. I was pretty sure that the words "I'm gay" took care of everything.
But after this minor spattle happened, it got me to thinking, I really need to work hard on becoming comfortable with who I am before I can begin dating and hopefully get involved in a committed relationship.
I constantly would wallow in how I've never been in a relationship before, and wonder what I'm doing wrong, when it was going to happen, obsessing even.
It will never happen unless I address these issues.
We all know that these things can't be forced.
I'm certain that my sexuality is a huge contributor to my TMS. The child must be furious that I was hiding something for so manay years, and even now am still holding back and not expressing myself as I would like to.
I'm happy that I've come to realize all of this over the past few days. Thank you again for all of your support.
One last thing: I know this isn't exacatly TMS related per se, but seeing that many here have a substantial amount of work experience under their belts, any tips or advice for the corporate/office neophyte?
: ]
Seth |
| art |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 08:12:33
HI Laura,
People put down others mostly because in doing so they think they are elevating themselves. Thus, not only is it a sign of deep insecurity, it's also, in its transparency, a sign of profound stupidity. Even when I was young, I instinctively knew that such remarks said much more about the guy saying them than they did about me...
Thanks for the kind words and thoughts Laura. Alas, I had crappy parents by and large. But that's a whole other topic. |
| Laura |
Posted - 08/02/2005 : 19:44:51
Yeah, I guess it does make you stronger in the end. It's just so sad the way people criticize people just because they are different than themselves. I've never quite gotten that. My own parents used to make some pretty anti-semetic and racial comments. I think the only reason they changed is because their daughter converted and embraced Judaism and they knew I wouldn't tolerate it anymore. They still make racial statements against African Americans and I really don't get it.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic now so I'll stop. I guess I just get going when it comes to all this stuff - especially in light of what's going on in Israel and the Palestinians, and all that. My philosophy is "to each his own." If everyone would just have tolerance for one another the world would surely be a better place. I'm sorry, Art, that you had to indure that stuff growing up. The only put downs I got were within my own family, mainly from my mother and father. I hope you at least had good parents.
Laura
Laura
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| art |
Posted - 08/02/2005 : 17:51:35
I think Seth gets the point by now. I give you credit Seth for having the insight at the time, in the midst of all that emotional turmoil, to wonder if there weren't something out of whack in your reaction...Shows you've got great gut instincts. Knowing you can trust yourself is perhaps the most important thing there is. Instead of reacting, you took some deep breaths, sought the counsel of others, and looked to the wisdom of your own heart. Sounds pretty damn mentally healthy to me.
I'm Jewish too and have endured my share of anti-semitic remarks and insults, especially during the days when I was at private school, a distinctly white anglo saxon protestant environment where I felt waaay out of place. That stuff hurts, but in the end it made me a stronger person. |
| Laura |
Posted - 08/02/2005 : 12:01:03
Seth,
No matter who you are or what you do in life, there are always going to be people judging you (although, it doesn't sound like this guy was judging anyone - just being goofy). I agree that the word "suspect" could have meant crazy, weird, insane, or any other number of adjectives.
I'm Jewish. Do you know how many people out there hate Jews??? Quite a few. I converted to Judaism and my own mother raised me believing that Jews have horns and they're all going to rot in hell. That didn't stop me from converting though. I live in bible belt type community - not many Jews around here - so I feel like a minority. What I've done with that is try to get other people to see that there are OTHER religions out there besides Christianity and that it's OKAY if we aren't all the same. I've tried to create an awareness, mostly within my own family (my parents) and get people to understand that we are all human beings and it's okay if we share different beliefs. There needs to be more tolerance in this world.
Seth, just go to work and don't worry about this guy's comment or anyone else's opinions for that matter. Be proud of who you are. I think it's great that you vented here and that you are NOT experiencing physical symptoms. It shows you have the TMS gremlin under control and you are in charge, not it. Good for you!
Take care and good luck at your new job.
Laura
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| Baseball65 |
Posted - 08/01/2005 : 23:06:46
Seth
You are too sensitive.That is the area you need to be focusing on.That statement by that guy was probably meant in fun/jest.He probably isn't even a Homophobe.
I've hung out in Gay clubs in West Hollywood,one of my best friends is gay,and we make jokes like that to each other all the time.
If you can't interject a little humor into your life,than your not having much of one.....
It's not liek they made some cruel remark,or ostracized you(or even implicated you)
None of my freinds are self deprecating OR proud to be gay...they're just gay.It's a really dull day when we're reduced to that kind of humor.
Being recently out,you might have little adjustment blips,especially if you were so shielded growing up.
Focus on your responses rather on what was said.There are a LOT of Homophobes in the world,and if that got you bugged,don't ever leave NY ,SF or LA,cause out here in the Bible belt,it's Gay bashing season everyday of the year...My friend had to leave Nashville just so he could come out.
Relax...write....Nobody controls you but you.
peace
Baseball65 |
| lobstershack |
Posted - 08/01/2005 : 20:07:57
So I've had some time to think about what happened and all of your kind, thoughtful words. You're right, surely my intense reaction to this incident is proof that something deeper has been brewing. I know I am still uncomfortable with my sexuality, in fact I always obsess about whether or not people think I am gay, am acting too gay, am acting gay at all. It's all so preposturous. Who cares!
I will never fully enjoy life if I am constantly worrying about what others are thinking. I called a local Gay/Lesbian orgtanization and am in the process of finding out about a support group for people my age. I think it would be a great addition to my weekly therapy and Sarno's work as well. Thanks again! I'll keep you posted.
Seth |
| art |
Posted - 07/30/2005 : 12:50:00
Wow Seth, that's it? I second Dave's advice. I'm pretty sensitive myself (though not gay) but that was terribly minor, objectively speaking. I hope you don't get angry with me, but I'm just trying to help.
I can absolutely guarantee you're going ot hear much worse than that. To be honest, I'm not even entirely clear he was necessarily meaning gay by "suspect," though that's not really the issue here so much as your reaction to the remark. "Suspect" could mean any number of things, "strange" for one.
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| Dave |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 07:48:52
Focus on your own feelings. Why are you obsessing about it? Why is your "self-confidence ... crushed"? All because of some guy you barely know making a comment that may or may not have been inflammatory?
It all goes back to low self-esteem, the need to win approval from others, the need to be liked, etc. In the scheme of things it should really be irrelevant what this guy thinks about gay people, about you, or whether or not he thinks you're gay. Try to figure out why you don't feel that way. |
| n/a |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 02:54:17
I second what Joe says, Seth - you are exploring this in a positve way rather than letting it fester inside with all the destructive consequences that can result from that.
People do say things, unfortunately, in a throwaway manner, not realising the impact their words could be having on a bystander.
That sounds like a fantastic job - congratulations on getting it, the fact that you did, deserves that you give yourself a massive pat on the back.
Very best wishes
Anne
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| JoeW |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 00:45:46
Good post! No mention of anything physical at all! This is the right direction to go - thinking about things that are upsetting you, not getting distracted by some physical problem. I can't solve or even empathise too closely (I'm not gay) with your problem, but it's good to hear you talk about such things rather than the latest pain. Get angry! And then go back to work and carry on.
Good luck |
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