| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| n/a |
Posted - 07/26/2005 : 02:16:09
I'm really reluctant to start another mother post, but I'm cracking up at mine.
Before I start - please, everyone who has TMS that comes in part, at least, from parental issues - deal with it before your parents become old and frail. If you don't, it is all but impossible to fix when they actually physically need your support.
I lost my temper with my mother yesterday - big time. I had to walk out of her house before I said even more than I had already done, leaving her sobbing. She's an old lady of eighty two and genuinely needs my support now.
I have an aching back, feel sick and shaky and don't see any way out of this.
The issue that made me finally blow was her bed - it's completely wrecked - the mattress has caved in in the middle and she admits that she has great difficulty getting out of it in the morning. For two years I have been tip-toeing around her and as far as the bed is concerned - all she has to do is move into another bedroom for a couple of nights until I arrange for the old one to be removed and a new one delivered.
For two years she has refused to let me deal with it. I've tried every tactic I can think of - getting my brother, sister-in-law and husband to try to persuade her, but still she refuses. Yesterday, I ordered a new bed myself and told her what I've done. Thinking, if she was faced with a fait accompli, she would go along with it.
No such luck - she said I had to cancel it, as she wouldn't accept the new bed when it came. She cannot give me a reason, other than she can't face the disruption.
When I started to get mad, she started to cry - this usually works with me - I back off and apologise, but something snapped yesterday and all the pent up feelings started to spill out - things like she will have nothing to do with her sister, my aunt because, 'She is hard going.' My aunt is a widow with no children and is getting forgetful. She can't understand why my mother won't see her, but the bottom line is - my mother believes that she never has to do anything that might make her feel uncomfortable - and has washed her hands completely of her sister - to the point of not letting her in the house the last time she came down to visit - she sent her round to my house.
If she had just become like this because of old age then I could deal with it, but she has always been this way and I don't know how to deal with it any more.
The thing is - I cannot distance myself from her - I will have to go round there, if not today, then tomorrow. She needs to be cared for - she would not, of course, allow me to organise any outside help.
Any ideas - all you fellow with TMSers with problem parents.
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| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Scottydog |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 07:11:09
I have 3 nearly grown up children but it has never, never ever crossed my mind to be thankful that I therefore have someone to look after me in my old age. Quite the opposite. So where does this guilt trip about caring for elderly parents come from?
I spent roughly 9 years reading a bedtime story to one or other of my kids every night. I've made at least 39 meet the teacher visits. How many hockey, netball, rugby runs? How many parties, sleepovers? Who knows? but when I was brought up in the 50s and 60s we got none of this?
My Mum should feel guilty not me!!
Anne
Scottydog |
| Laura |
Posted - 08/02/2005 : 17:13:05
Anne,
What you said about the hammock made me laugh out loud! It's good that we keep our senses of humor with regards to our mothers. Still haven't spoken to mine. I broke down today and called my dad just to check in and see how she was. The first words out of his mouth were "She can't talk to you because she's out in the trailer." My parents have a travel trailer and since they're to cheap to run air conditioning in their freakin home they go out to the trailer and sleep and basically hang out there all day (weird - I know). I said "That's okay, Dad, I don't need to talk to her. Just checking in and letting you know I'm back from our vacation in case you need anything." It's so weird - a mother not talking to her daughter for weeks and weeks on end.
Yes, I think I remember reading some of Shawnsmith's lovely posts before. They have always been at the very least quite negative. I agree - I love these people who start quoting religious text. What the heck was his point? Oh, yeah. Our mothers gave birth to us so we owe them the world and we need to put up with their neverending bullcrap. WRONG! Try again.
Glad your symptoms have dissipated. I wish mine would. It's either my stomach, my head, my shoulders, my back, hives (a new fun one) or the ever so lovely dizziness.
Yeah, I'm going to check out some of the books I've read about on here. The Oprah one sounded like it was right up our alley and there are a couple more that have been mentioned that I want to read (like the John Lee ones).
Take care, Anne. When you get that cabin for our mothers let me know.
Laura
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| n/a |
Posted - 08/02/2005 : 15:16:23
Yes, Laura - my mother is still sleeping on her wrecked bed - it will soon be hitting the floor in the middle, she's be as well slinging a hammock between two door handles and sleeing sailor style. If I ever win millions of £s on the national lottery, I think I'll buy her one of the cabins on that liner that cruises all around the world - the one that people actually live on, in the absolute lap of luxury. What the heck - I'll buy a cabin for your mom as well!
I haven't had any recurrence of TMS symptoms - I have made the decision - enough is enough. I know she is old and needs a lot of support, but in this case I'm backing off until such time she asks me to deal with it.
The post by Shawn is strange to say the least, and I find it creepy that someone should quote religious texts with no explanation. I can only assume that he is saying that as my mother gave me life I owe her - big time. Or it may be the case that he is one of the people who has tried to wind us up in the past - using another name.
By the way, I'm definitely going to read the book you mention in your other post - sounds very interesting. I have to say that I have never been disappointed by any book that I have read that came recommended by Oprah. We don't seem to get her show over here anymore, but her magazine is available and I buy it every month.
It's good to hear that you enjoyed your well-deserved vacation. Laguna Beach - even the name sounds great.
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| Laura |
Posted - 08/01/2005 : 15:51:25
Anne,
I just got back from my lovely vacation in Laguna Beach. Glad I missed this one - this guy scares me. Does the word crazy ring a bell?
By the way, Anne, is your mother still enjoying her broken down, dilapidated bed? I still haven't spoken to mine - going on six weeks now.
Laura
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| n/a |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 02:39:31
OK, Shawn - I've fallen short of some of some of those ideals - I've been kind to her all my life as my father was - in fact, he put his own dreams and ambitions behind him because he had three people to look after - my brother and I grew up and didn't need to be looked after any more; my mother did - for the rest of his life and it was a one way street - she couldn't or wouldn't reciprocate.
Now I have taken over the role he had to play - and I will continue to do so, and I have spoken with disrespect about my mother. How, in non-religious terms, please (I am not a religious person), do you suggest I overcome those feelings of frustration towards her, without bringing on TMS?
To be honest, however, I don't think it is helpful on a a forum such as this to give advice based solely on the religious beliefs of any one person. I have no problem with anyone sharing things that they have found helpful - no matter from where those ideas came - but to quote from the Quran with no covering explanation of what you are actually saying, I find confusing.
People who post here come from many countries, many faiths or no faith and to bring in quotations from any religious text on their own can appear - as it does to me in this case - that you mean to critisise negatively with no positive input at all.
Can you explain the rationale behind your post - just saying that it says so in the Quran won't do.
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| Laura |
Posted - 07/27/2005 : 11:24:33
Anne,
One thing I forgot in my last post. It's funny you mentioning your mother-in-law and how wonderful she was. I have always felt that my husband and his brother and sister are so lucky because of how kind and sweet their mother is as well. She is one of the most nurturing, loving mothers I have ever met and would do anything for her kids. She has been calling me almost every day to check on the condition of my mother. My mother-in-law never gets me cards for birthdays or mothers day that are for a daughter-in-law. She gets me cards that say "For our daughter" and that is how she treats me. We've had our share of differences but as far as mother-in-laws go she's pretty great. I have grown to appreciate her more and more as of late.
Laura
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| Laura |
Posted - 07/27/2005 : 10:57:35
About an hour after I wrote that last post yesterday my father called to tell me the latest on my mother (now she is doing okay supposedly). I was very unemotional and matter-of-fact in my conversation with him, just listening to what he told me. Of course, I never asked to speak to my mother. As the conversation was ending I told my dad that I needed to get going because I had so much to do still to get ready for the trip, i.e. laundry, packing, etc. He said "Oh, okay, I'll let you go do what you need to do then. And just as soon as your mother feels upto talking to you I'll have her call." My response was "Oh, no worries Dad. That's fine. I can just talk to you." I have done a complete about face with my dad with regards to mom and now he's the one who is constantly bringing it up, perhaps out of guilt. It feels really good to be this way instead of the needy daughter looking for mom's approval and attention. I feel like I have my power back and it's a good feeling.
Anne, I'm so glad you cancelled the bed. Hurray for you!!!
I'm also glad to hear you are farther away from the bombings in London. It is so sad what those awful people are doing.
Take care and be proud of yourself for the way you're handling your mother and her antics.
Laura
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| ssjs |
Posted - 07/27/2005 : 10:11:55
Good for you! Cancelling that bed. You know what I say!!!!!
By the way...I would complain more about my mother, but she died years ago, and so did my dad. I was mostly sad over the fact that I wasn't and still am not sad about it. I never miss her,unless one of my kids is graduating!
I can't say that my sister was actually favored, but I was neglected and not watched over, while she was smothered to death. She is quite unstable now.
FAVORITISM is a common situation in my family. I had one great aunt that disliked one of her 4 kids sooo much that she made her stand to eat while everyone else sat!
Truely it is a terrible life for the favored ones too, although it may not seem that way, but they do have all sorts of weird feelings about it...and certainly cannot function as a person from a normal family can.
As far back as in the forties, one of my favored cousins was a drug addict, and the other was pregnant before marraige...yet somehow...they could do no wrong.
And of course...the whole family is fractured over this nonsense. Everybody whispered about it.
I have said it before...and though harsh it may be...just because someone is a mom, it doesn't mean they are any good at it or deserve any extra consideration.
One more thing...It hasn't been quite as easy for me as the written words seem to convey....just the oppisite.
Sandy |
| n/a |
Posted - 07/27/2005 : 09:40:07
I cancelled the bed, Sandy. I've decided to let myself off the hook as far as this is concerned. Phoned my brother and told him that I'd come to the end of the line as far as our mother's inability to move one inch to do anything for herself.
Like your saying, Sandy - the joke's on her this time. She's actually going to have to sleep on that trashed old bed until she actually has to ask me to get her a new one.
It was actually quite liberating to lose my temper, the sky didn't fall in, I wasn't struck down on the spot - nothing happened! Losing one's temper was a complete no-no in my family. A show of anger would have been a heinous sin.
Maybe we should start up a new site which specialises in the sale of mothers, Laura. Absolutely no returns, of course.
The thing is, I think, your mother and mine know that whatever they do, no matter how unreasonable they are. we'll still stick around. I try to focus on the reason why she is the way she is - her mother I expect, who favoured my brother blatantly over me (the year she gave him some all singing, all dancing, expensive toy and me a scarf was kind of a giveaway). I can only assume that she treated my mother badly. It's a real shame, actually, my mother is an intelligent woman, who could have made so much more of herself.
I think I first realised how not normal she was was when I got to know my late mother-in-law. She was such a lively, friendly. supportive friend and when she became very ill in the year before she died, looking after her was no hardship. I miss her still very much. That was a straightforward, mutually supportive relationship; my husband, his brother and sisters don't know how fortunate they are - having been brought up by a mother like that.
As far as how people are feeling in the UK just now - those in the big cities, especially London, of course, must be scared - there is no way of knowing how many potential bombers are out there. One was arrested in Birmingham this morning and some of them took part in a team building adventure course in Wales a short time before the 7th July bombings. So, potentially, they could be anywhere in the country. Where I live, 500 miles north of London in Scotland, we probably don't feel so threatened. |
| Laura |
Posted - 07/26/2005 : 14:43:00
Anne,
When you sell your mother on Ebay could you offer a two for one deal?
Seriously, it sure seems that a whole bunch of us TMSers have parents like yours, mine and Baseball's. It appears to be a common thread amongst many of us. I say that if the woman enjoys sleeping in the f---ed up bed then let her. She's the one who will suffer and if she starts to complain to you about it then leave!!! I swear - when all of us get old our kids are probably going to have it so easy because we'll remember what we went through and there is not a chance in China that we will behave anywhere remotely like.
that.
My last post yesterday on the thread I started about Parent Issues was about my Dad calling me and acting all hard done to because I hadn't called him back from Friday. He acts like I'm a bother when I call and then when I back off and stop calling he treats me like I don't care. I think I handled him perfectly though and was quite proud of myself. He told me he would be calling me today around 11:00 to let me know what the doctors find with Mom. That was nearly three hours ago. I'm just going about my day and when I hear from him I hear from him. I won't allow myself to get sucked back into the game. Funny, I was getting my nails done this morning and the lady who does my nails was asking about my mother. I told her the latest and she said "Your Mom is so lucky to have you. I'll bet she's so happy that she has a devoted daughter who cares." I said "Actually, I don't think she appreciates me one bit. In fact, I haven't even talked to her in over a month. My Dad claims that talking on the phone really tires her out, however, she is can manage two mile walks and talks to everyone else, including my sister." My manicurist said "That's really weird. If that were my Mom she would want me by her side or at least to be able to talk to me." Well, my Mom is not normal, and it sounds like neither is yours. We just have to face it, sadly enough.
By the way, I was also wondering if you and some of the other forum members who live in the UK are alright. That would be enough to provoke anybody's TMS.
Laura
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| ssjs |
Posted - 07/26/2005 : 12:27:34
You know what? If she says no, she is a woman with free will, DO NOT order it...but do not listen to her complain...even subtley about any pain or sleeplessness...
If on the other hand you just HAVE to order it...have it delivered to her house! Not yours!
My husband and I have a saying...that really doesn't make any sense unless it makes sense to you...also it is a bit vulgar...and I usually do not speak like that (well at least on line)...but here goes...(see if this fits...maybe no...it's hard to explain...although we use it for almost everything!)
F**K'em if they can't take a joke.
Sandy
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| n/a |
Posted - 07/26/2005 : 12:16:31
Thanks so much, Sandy , Baseball and Jim. I really appreciate your input. I have people to rant to - husband, daughter, but I think that only people who experience negative emotions physically can understand the whole picture.
You are right, Sandy - she is a powerful old lady (who has never been really ill in her life - the only time she was ever in a hospital was when she had me and my brother). I've decided to go ahead and buy the bed, store it in my house; telling her that I have to do, as you say, Sandy, what I know is right. I'm going to tell her where it is and she can decide if and when she wants it.
Actually, when I read what I just typed - it sounds kind of stupid to store it in my house, I could be landed with a bed I don't need. Need to think about that some more. Maybe I'll do what you suggest, Jim, and cancel it.
I have recovered well, better than I believed possible - it was obviously TMS this morning and I knew that without question. It was like a fast forward run-through of all the manifestations that I used to get - back pain, which gave to way all sorts of other nasties and an anxiety attack for a finale. I had just said goodbye to my students (I was absolutely fine during classes) - began to mark their assignments when I began to get dizzy, felt like I was going to faint, could feel myself beginning to hyper-ventilate. But, the great thing is. I knew for sure - this was my TMS gremlin running riot - laughing at me for letting it fool me again - after all this time. One thing that has been brought home to me - a relapse like this can be dealt with quickly and successfully. I feel fine again - backache gone. All that work I did to recover kicked in.
It made me laugh that you recognise some of my mother's personality traits in yourself, Baseball. Your mother sounds a lot like her. Not counter-signing your car loan bacause of something that happened twenty two years ago was the kind of logic my mother applies.
Although I live at the other end of the UK from London In Scotland - it's in the news all the time, the bombing may well be a factor, Baseball - things seem to be unravelling a bit over here at the moment. The bombers appear to be British nationals and I find the possibility of unrest between different ethnic groups and religions deeply unsettling - we are a very small, crowded island where people from all over the world co-exist reasonably well in the main - I would hate for that to change, but it's a definite worrying possibility. Just the sight of armed police on the streets is frightening to us - our police are not routinely armed with guns.
Anyway - thanks again all of you - TMS episode seems to be over. I think I'll try to sell my mother on Ebay, or offer her free to a good home.
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| Jim D. |
Posted - 07/26/2005 : 11:05:56
quote:
Originally posted by AnneG
I have an aching back, feel sick and shaky and don't see any way out of this.
Anne,
It is obvious that this situation is bothering you a great deal. I have always thought of you as one of the rocks of this forum, having overcome TMS to a remarkable degree and helped so many others to do so. I guess it shows that no one is ever safe from a relapse. Your predicament sounds terrible (it's probably why I live 800 miles away from my mother), but I do agree with Sandy's advice to let your mother do what she wants. It's her choice. After all, if she gets a backache from the old bed, in this case it probably won't be TMS! (I suspect that she is one of those people who never get TMS because they don't keep feelings bottled up.) I would just cancel the order, go over to her house, and never mention the bed again unless she brings it up. I hope you can overcome this as you have so well in the past. |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 07/26/2005 : 09:56:18
quote:
my mother believes that she never has to do anything that might make her feel uncomfortable
That should be the creed on MY families coat of Arms!
I don't know what to say...My whole Family is like your Mom,me included..I might be the only one who has been made aware of it,but it's the Painful truth.
My mother used to travel 6 months out of every year,ski in Aspen for a month,but WOULD NOT fix our dishwasher.She'd give me money for clothes(which I couldn't care Less about) but not for rent(a well dressed homeless kid).
During our numerous rows,my wife has brought this to my attention(that trait) and I have no reply.My Mom did a good job....I'm just like her.
The other day I asked my Mom if she'd co-sign on a new(used) car...mine is on it's last legs,and just having filed Bankruptcy they jack up the interest to like 28% or something outrageous.Mind you,I can afford the payments,just don't have the credit.My Mom said "Oh no Honey....I can't do that...I did it for your brother and he wrecked the car and I got stuck with the payments"....hmmmm...that was 22 YEARS ago,I was 14 at the time,my brother is now worth a TON of money....why hasn't she asked for it back(he's a bigwig for ESPN)
Point is,she'd never do anything that made her uncomfortable.I hate the fact that I'm a lot like her,and try to make little steps into being 'put out'...i.e. going places I don't want to,having people I don't like over for dinner,taking responsibilities I don't feel comfortable with.
As far as your back goes,you're probably having the per usual conflict of feelings of RAGE against your mother doing battle with your Need to love her and fear of losing her.I don't think you need to resolve the issue to resolve your TMS.You might want to get somewhere safe and away and let it all 'fly' so to speak.Also,just getting respite from the responsibility,even for a short while would probably help.I was just 'trapped' at home with my Boys for 3 weeks,and I was on a short fuse(and had that little episode) during the last days.
Also,I know you're in the UK.Are you anywhere near London? I know a LOT of TMS was rearing it's head right after 9/11.(My son had his first taste)I keep reading the Christian Science Monitor's stories on How Brits are 'keeping a stiff upper lip' and their usual tough as Nails stoicism.....Scares the crap out of me.Could this be another log on the flame? Just a guess.
anyways,find somewhere to let it fly.Even in HBP Sarno talks about the dependent parent as a source of rage.I don't think you have to wait until she cooperates(never) before you get well.
peace
Baseball65 |
| ssjs |
Posted - 07/26/2005 : 05:49:15
Look at how your mom can twist you up when they she is literally hurting herself! She is sure powerful for a frail old woman!
If your mom is strong enough to sleep on that dopy bed every nite, then either forget it and let her suffer, since that is what she obviosly wants to do (and take you along with her) Or just get her the new bed and let her sleep on the floor. It could't hurt her any more than that horrible bed!
Too bad for her...and you'll feel much better doing what you know is right.
You have power. Use it!
Sandy
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