| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Carolyn |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 08:07:24
Can anger towards our children be a source of TMS? It is certainly unacceptable anger which is not safe to express so it must get deeply repressed. Just something I've been exploring in my journaling. We love our kids so much and are entrusted to protect them but the child in us who still wants to be the center of attention themselves must resent how our children demand all of our free time, talk back and are uncooperative, show no appreciation, ruined our bodies and turned our hair gray, break our things and constantly create more work in our already sterssed out lives. A good parent can never admit to feeling this way but we can't deny that our children have the ability to push our buttons like noone else every could. I think this must create a real conflict in the unconscious.
Carolyn |
| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| n/a |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 18:22:03
Pick up the book "The Rage Within" by Willard Gaylin. It is a must read for those with TMS and Dr. Sarno recommends it...Gaylin is a brilliant psychoanalyst.
You might also want to read his "Talk Is Not Enough: How Psychotherapy Really Works"
see: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316303089/ref%3Dnosim/multiabusehea-20/002-2099013-3826431
or
http://www.twbookmark.com/books/6/0316303089/index.html
Book Description:
Is psychotherapy really worth the time and money millions of Americans put into it? Is a therapist any better at helping us deal with our problems than a good friend, bartender, spiritual counselor, or family member? What makes therapy special? How does it work when it works, and why does it sometimes fail? In Talk Is Not Enough Willard Gaylin, M.D.,one of the nation's most honored psychiatrists, unlocks the mysteries of the so-called talking cure, which, despite its present-day popularity, is widely misunderstood and highly controversial. In an enlightening tour of the therapeutic process, Dr. Gaylin speaks plainly but profoundly about the art of therapy, what the roles of the patient and therapist should be, and what it takes on the part of each for the patient to get better. |
| Laura |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 15:38:14
Baseball,
Always love reading your posts. I wholeheartedly agree with what you said: "The love we have for our kids can turn into resentment when we feel unappreciated, ignored, harried, and alone." Thus, the inner rage we experience for feeling that resentment. I tell my husband that some days I feel like my sole purpose is to chauffeur and hand out money. That certainly does enrage my inner child. I want our lives to be the way they used to and I know that is not possible. At 13 and almost 16, the last thing they want to do is hang with Mom and Dad.
My husband is having a hard time dealing with this too. Today, he came home for lunch with the intention of taking our daughter to the food pantry (her mitzvah project has been to collect food and take it there). Afterward, he wanted to take her to lunch and she said "I just want you to take me the the drive thru and take me home." He was really hurt. He feels like his own daughter won't go out and have lunch with him.
I, too, could fill up a whole page with this stuff. Thank God there are others who understand this and can relate.
Laura
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| ssjs |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 15:37:58
Laura
My husband had a wonderful time at sleepaway camp, so it was expected that our kids would go. I think that has helped me deal with my seperation stuff. I've just been so used to it.
Every year when the bus leaves, all of the parents break out in applause!
I am more worried this year that my daughter is actually home! Her job starts next week. I wish she were still going to camp!!
Her bat mitzvah was 3 years ago. I can hardly believe it!
Yes! You must find something to do. I went back to school and finally got my BA, and started a business. But before it sounds like I am so "together" Just let me say, that this business almost destroyed me! Right now it is going a bit better. I have beat my pains, but not nessessarily my demons! But I am stronger for it!
And who knows what it means that I have recently picked up a stray baby cat that had to be bottle fed, and bites and scratches all of the time!
Sandy |
| Laura |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 15:25:30
Sandy,
Yes, I agree that we want our kids to grow up to be fully functioning adults. Fortunately, I do not let my kids know how sad I feel that we don't spend time together the way we used to. They have no idea. It is just my sadness that I am learning to deal with. This has made me realize that I need to find something in my life, a purpose if you will, that will fill that void. Maybe it's something like donating my time to work at a shelter or hospital. Who knows? But I think I need to find something I can call my own so that I don't feel the sadness I feel when my kids aren't around.
For six months I was planning my youngest daughter's bat mitzvah. Ever since then (two weeks ago) I have felt this empty void. I know it's because for months I was so fixated and focused on getting everything ready for that special day and now that it's over, what do I do with myself? As far as my kids, life goes on for them. It's summertime and they want to go to the pool, shopping with friends, the movies, you name it. Me, I've had a nasty stomach flu for over a week so I'm sitting around thinking too much, feeling sorry for myself. This has left me with lots of time on my hands to think about the "good old days," when my daughters were young and we spent every waking our of summertime together. I miss those times.
I hope to be feeling well again soon and able to make some plans with my kids. At the same time, I do intend to try to start exploring some things I could be doing to help the world and give me a sense of purpose.
I did feel bad yesterday for getting upset about my things being taken, however, I also think it is okay that my kids know what is expected. They need to know that it's not cool to go in and take things and then misplace them so that I must spend hours searching for my own belongings.
Laura
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| ssjs |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 15:07:10
Laura,
My parents were terrible . As a matter of fact, I too was basically unsupervised. Because of having so little guidance, I never became the person i was meant to be.
I have spent every waking moment trying to be a better parent. But one of the things I have gone over with my therapist is that it is ok to be mad at your kids if they misplace your stuff! Other wise you would be repressing it. Then you get a backache, your kids do not learn that it is ok to be mad, and they grow up, do the same thing, and then they get a backache.
One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is to teach them how to express themselves. And they can only learn that if we express ourselves.
There is no reason to feel guilty being mad at someone who doesn't respect your stuff. Of course you do not call them names, or hit, or disrespect them...but you can be mad! It doesn't matter that someday they will move.You are mad NOW...and that's ok.
It is also our job to bring them up so they can leave you,and be fully functioning adults. If they know you are upset when they are not around, then they cannot go out and be the full person they were meant to be...it will only hurt you.
I've got a 16 year old daughter too, and although sometimes I am pretty nervous when she is out...I also know that that is the natural order of things, and to deny that is to make her an invalid. I know where she is (I think... with cell phones, who can be sure!)I at least make her call me, but I am happy that she is independant. I watch her carefully, yet give her some freedom.
When my son went to college, I was so thrilled. I missed him, but with cell phones and instant messages, a day didn't go by where I didn't have some contact. And I knew he was becoming a man. What could be better!
You will be fine...but remember, you must build your own life, or you will resent them theirs, and that will give you a PAIN in the you- know- where!
Sandy
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| n/a |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 14:37:04
JoeC eloquently writes in another thread:
"Sarno's books are very enlightening. Don't assume one way or another, positive or negative, just read with an open, neutral attitude. What do you have to lose?"
What we have to lose is our pain and what we have to gain is our freedom. I think it is well worth the effort. Anti-Sarno apologists, who do not reveal their names - would want us to spend thousands of dollars on essentially midieval and (many times unscientific) ideas of medicine what they causes of pain. Two of the biggest frauds passing as doctors and making proper diagnosis as to the cause of most types of foot and back pain are chiropractors and foot "doctors."
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| art |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 12:52:37
Interesting thread...My first reaction, since I've never had children of my own, was to wonder why my parents never had TMS given my mother's especially, often overt hate and contempt for her offspring...
But that's just it...it was overt. No need to be distracted from it as her emotions were clearly conscious...I would say only someone terribly narcissistic could live comfortably with such conscious thoughts toward her children because in her mind they were completely warranted and reasonable... |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 12:44:17
quote:
Can anger towards our children be a source of TMS?
This is probably one of my top 5 sources of REPRESSED rage,for the very reasons you mentioned and so many more.
I could type for DAYS giving anecdotes in which I've found hidden and not-so-hidden rage that was the source of symptoms.
First of all,my 'last stand' so to speak,with back pain occured right after my wife quit working to become a fulltime Mom due to the the birth of our second son.Up until then we had always been a two income family.Having one kid was tough...having 2 is like 10 times harder.
Previously,myshoulder had been bothering me only when I stayed home on days off to do chores,and watch our first....oddly enough,it never hurt at my heavy labor job...only folding clothes and washing dishes.
Also...after I'd recovered from the majority of my symptoms,I had a TMS relapse of sorts in my throwing shoulder right after my son had been picked for all-stars in Baseball.My conscious mind was proud and Happy,but subconsciously(at the time) I resented the time it took from my own Baseball playing.....I went and tried cortisone,rest,ice anti-inflammatories thinking I'd 'blown' my arm(I was only about a year into Sarno,and there was no forum to check in with,others to talk to)
Then when it dawned on me how much of a hassle it was driving to the extra practices,volunteering,lost personal time,I had an 'aha!' moment....the pain melted as soon as it dawned on me that my sons achievement commited me to more "good parent" imperatives...I actually threw batting practice(against docotrs orders) focusing on how much I resented being 'put out'....the more I threw,the less pain I felt....exactly OPPOSITE of what my family Doctor had prescribed.
Like Laura just said,we want so much for our kids to do better than us,we have a hard time seeing...it's too close.
I was basically unparented growing up.My Father died when I was 5,and my mother just checked out....went on a lot of 6 month trips.
I ended up in trouble with the Law,addicted to drugs and eventually homeless living in county run shelters.
My sons are both honors students who play music and excel in sports....everything I Never did.The Love we have for our kids can turn into resentment when we feel unappreciated,ignored,harried and alone.
I'll stop now,or I could fill up the whole forum on just this topic.
peace
Baseball65 |
| Laura |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 11:16:54
Carolyn,
I am in total agreement that anger towards our children is a HUGE source of TMS. I think what is really difficult is when we ourselves have had bad parenting when we were young. We want so desperately to be the opposite of our own parents. My mother did a terrible job as a parent, and my father was a close second. They sucked as parents and they still do. My style of mothering is so completely the opposite of what I grew up with. I would go to the ends of the earth for my two daughters. They are my life!!! If one of them goes off with friends, even for the day, I miss them like crazy. I also am finding lately that I keep dreading the day my oldest daughter (almost 16) goes off to college. I know that is only a few years away and frankly, the thought of her not being here scares the hell out of me. Last night, I was looking for something and discovered my younger daughter had used it last and misplaced it. I got upset and started going off about how everyone takes my things without asking...sometimes, it's enough to drive you insane!! Then I felt tremendous guilt over saying anything, realizing (as my husband reminded me) that in a few years there will be nobody here to take my things but I will also have an empty "nest." I think that being a stay at home mom, I have built my entire life around my two daughters and when they are off on their own it's going to be a rude awakening for me. I dread that day!!!
Laura
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| LynnH |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 09:23:10
My TMS symptoms (aching feet) started in earnest during the third trimester of my pregnancy. Within a year of my son's birth, I was in agony, with my entire life centered around my foot pain. I am now recognizing, as you are, that I have a great deal of repressed rage towards my son and my role as a parent. Like you, I am finding journaling to be helpful in understanding how this fits with my TMS personality. |
| ssjs |
Posted - 06/27/2005 : 09:15:13
So true! I have accepted my hatred of them, and used to look forward to sleepaway camp for them every summer!
Now they are too old.Damn.
Of course the trick, is not letting them know we hate them! Although we can let them know when they drive us crazy!
On the other hand...my kids are so cute! I also love them!
Sandy |
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