| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| celestica |
Posted - 05/29/2005 : 05:44:03
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Kind of a grim quote but Yeats does have a way with words. I think it reflects how I feel right now, as I'm usually so good at holding things together. People have said to me that I'm solid...dependable, strong, a person they can count on, but right now I'm falling apart emotionally.
This is my first post about feelings I'm dealing with now...TMS has been largely dormant for me until the past 2 weeks or so. I'm 1 month away from having a new baby and my whole body and emotional life are just freaking out.
I took an early mat. leave, starting my one year 11 weeks early, and went into therapy to help me deal with some current anxiety and prevent post-partum issues.
Physically, sciatica is trying really hard to gain a foothold in my SI joint, though I seem to be keeping it at bay with aggressive self-talk. More worrisome is the reactivation of swelling in my right hand, which I thought had disappeared forever. Formerly, it was ridden with osteoarthritis triggered by a bad job and set off by feelings of anger and having no control at work.
I think I know what each pain site is trying to tell me, but I'm having difficulty with the overwhelming feelings behind them. The sciatica is feeling unsupported and abandoned...and the hand is feeling out of control and afraid. Or rather, I am feeling unsupported and abandoned, out of control and afraid, and my body is crying the tears that I cannot right now.
Some emotional stuff I'm working on right now...
- feeling abandoned and hated as a child by my father
- anger at my father for physical and emotional abuse
- sadness and loss over my mother's death
- fear of abandonment with my husband
- wanting to be in control but sure that whatever it is I'm trying to control is not the real thing I need to be worried about
- wanting to be taken care of
- angry at other's weaknes for needing to be taken care of (anger towards self, I guess)
- which ties into not responding to my husband's needs and fear of being overwhelmed by the baby's needs
My usual technique of book reading and intellectualising isn't working that well right now...so I'm considering other options. I haven't yet journalled so maybe I'll start that. I did write a letter to my mother and that was helpful. Maybe I'll go see her at the cemetary. I'm also going to also try meditation and some yoga. Does anybody have more ideas?
regards,
Amelia |
| 4 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| celestica |
Posted - 05/31/2005 : 05:09:17
Hi everybody,
Allan, you have a good point about looking to the positive, as there are many great things happening now.
I've come through four days of fairly intense emotional turmoil and have made some important discoveries about myself...the funny thing about being a therapist is that I become my own textbook case, to analyse and hopefully self-guide through challenging times. I guess it also makes it more challenging to just exist and feel without over-anylising everything, but then again, many people have difficulty with this.
The good news is that my leg/nerve pain is less, and my fingers feel much less pain. Im' thinking the finger thing will go away in a day or two.
I'll write more later about the realisations I made...I've found that writing in this forum has been a helpful addition to getting support from my midwife and counsellor.
Thanks for the supportive posts,
Amelia.
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| miehnesor |
Posted - 05/30/2005 : 17:14:02
Amelia- Sounds like you are going through a lot and I can empathize with your situation. I remember when my wife was pregnant with our child and the emotional rollercoaster she went through.
Seems like your plan of attack is a good one. Start writing about any and or all of the items you mentioned and pay especial attention to where you have some emotion. Keep us posted on what happens. Good Luck. |
| Allan |
Posted - 05/30/2005 : 14:37:24
Aren't there some things that make you happy? Would it help to focus on those things that make your life worth while?
Allan. |
| n/a |
Posted - 05/30/2005 : 02:19:31
Hi Amelia
So sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now and that TMS is making it difficult for you to look forward to the birth of your baby with pleasure. This is going to sound like a platitude, and I don't mean it like that at all. Late pregnancy is often a difficult time - the thought of having a new life that is dependent on you is frightening. A perfect time for your TMS gremlin to run riot.
Reading the list of things you are working on just now - at this stage in your pregnancy you need and want to be taken care of - that's not an emotional problem - it's natural and what every woman needs in late pregnancy.
I've got to go to work, but I'll look back this evening.
Take care
Anne |
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